Sunday
Tuesday
Low Self-Esteem? Dad May Have Had it Too - book excerpt from Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire
When you are just beginning any major life change, you need time to yourself. You need to adjust to your new life. You will want to make necessary adjustments that suit you. Maybe cutting someone off isn't an option for you, but remaining in contact is, if so build a boundary that can't be crossed when interacting with your difficult kin. Protect your mind and heart so that you don't feel so bad being in your father or someone else's environment. Some people will only visit a relative unless they have a support system around them. Others will make contact with loved ones in ways that make them feel most comfortable such as: phone, text or email and if the conversation gets out of hand, they don't contact relatives for awhile. These sons and daughters have set up standards for themselves, because they refuse to be verbally abused by fathers and others.
Many children with low self-esteem are raised by parents who have the same issues as they do, except they have learned to cover up their personality disorders quite well. Some elderly fathers will use their aging as an excuse when unflattering behaviors expose them. They will blame others, medication, stress, etc. to keep from taking responsibilities for their negative ways. They will pretend as if they don't have enough money or time to be there for children or grandchildren when in all actuality they just don't want to be bothered with either. They will lie or minimize situations so that people don't see that there is something not quite right with their minds and mannerisms.
This lack of self esteem shows up in interesting ways with parents and then it is passed down to their offspring as indicated by the following examples. The braggart Dad covers up his self-esteem issues by purchasing over-priced cars and having many lovers. Mom does it by how she dresses tempting men with her exposed cleavage and body hugging dresses while making grandmothers gasp with, "What the hell does she have on?" The children are a mix of the pair with a daughter dressing and acting strangely while keeping her parents secrets, a son often angry but can't properly express what he feels, and another son bragging about his latest apparel or shoe purchase to cover up the pain he feels inside. Does the parents, who are secretly critical of themselves and have little love, if any, for children see what is happening? Not at all. How can they build up their children's self esteem when they don't genuinely love or respect themselves?
You may have noticed your father's lacking self esteem. He may have done things like: periodically talked negatively about himself, life choices he has made, wishes for success, hid behind others' achievements, talked negatively about those who have made better life choices, or projected his personal issues onto others. He might have joked about his unattractive appearance, lack of money, how he is not too smart, or a bit crazy. Critical relatives and friends may have insulted his intelligence and his appearance growing up and assigned him negative nicknames. Therefore, Dad used his children and other people to make his self feel better--this was his form of release for some of his personal childhood and young adult woes he never bothered to discuss with anyone.
When a discerning daughter or son no longer sees Dad as Superman, a god, or another heroic figure, it can hurt the poor man who created a false image of himself for many years. When he chooses not to be open and honest about his shortcomings and prefers not to explain why he reacts the way he does toward his family, it only makes matters worse for the children who observe him, because they are going to start to come to their own conclusions about him. For some, they don't rebel against Dads per se, but they rebel against the mental games their fathers play with them. Rather than play into Dad's games of making himself appear to be something more than what he is, some children simply ignore the man. Mom attempts to re-work a public relations campaign when she sees that the gap is only widening between a father and his adult children, but by that point, it is too late.
Get your copy of Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire available in print and eBook.
Friday
Rejection
Rejection this is something as an African American living in the United States knows all too well if you live, work, or play in communities who don't necessarily like your "kind" around. Yes, we still have those who are like their grandparents, great grandparents and ancestors who despise "black" or "African American" people or when they are feeling quite bold the "N" word slips up.
What does it feel like when one is rejected whether overtly or covertly? Well I can tell you from personal experience it is an irritating feeling like a rash and sometimes it grows into anger. "After all I have done...the things I have accomplished...these people are finding fault with me! They don't bother to acknowledge me...What the...?"
Yeah, feelings of rejection bring out the ugly in anyone. But I cope. I deal with the fact that some people can't get pass their ignorant mindsets. They don't have minds of their own, still caught up in childhood brainwashing, "Stay away from those people. Them people is trouble! Don't go playing with n*ggas!" So they hear the voices in their heads while they recall some ignorant media they have watched or listened to and so they ignore what they are programmed to keep away from--sassy blacks, crazy blacks, weird blacks, successful blacks that have more than them, etc. Sad but so true.
Think of the many people (including you) who could have had good relationships or friendships with people outside of their ethnicities, but because of racial programming, profiling, acts of violence, etc. they look the other way. It happens to me often being oftentimes one of a few minorities in predominately white circles. Someone (non-black) tells me how they really enjoyed my company, liked me, and would like to get together, but you see them again and its as if they never met you or spoke such kind words. You learn later they have a crew of people who look and act like them and its safe to assume they aren't much interested in dealing with that fight that comes with befriending minorities amongst their prejudice favorites. Sooner or later the mere appearance of that token black in the circle is going to move the ignorant to say something they have no business saying (sigh).
So the rejected becomes the rejecting after repeated fights to fit in--which now that I am older, I have long given that up, but I speak to this for someone reading my blog post. We filter who we meet with a fine tooth comb and if they don't meet certain criteria we reject. I use to do it for petty reasons just because I felt empowered in some way. We look for evidence that one is for us or against us and if we find out "against" we look for ways to make them pay. We are watchful over what we say or do and reserve the best for our kind--some of you remember when the brutha or sista gave you the hook up--it was a kick in the shins to the establishment. And then of course, we don't give too much or too little to a connection we have made with someone usually non-black, because we just don't know, we just don't know--helper or traitor.
Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of many books including: When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.
What does it feel like when one is rejected whether overtly or covertly? Well I can tell you from personal experience it is an irritating feeling like a rash and sometimes it grows into anger. "After all I have done...the things I have accomplished...these people are finding fault with me! They don't bother to acknowledge me...What the...?"
Yeah, feelings of rejection bring out the ugly in anyone. But I cope. I deal with the fact that some people can't get pass their ignorant mindsets. They don't have minds of their own, still caught up in childhood brainwashing, "Stay away from those people. Them people is trouble! Don't go playing with n*ggas!" So they hear the voices in their heads while they recall some ignorant media they have watched or listened to and so they ignore what they are programmed to keep away from--sassy blacks, crazy blacks, weird blacks, successful blacks that have more than them, etc. Sad but so true.
Think of the many people (including you) who could have had good relationships or friendships with people outside of their ethnicities, but because of racial programming, profiling, acts of violence, etc. they look the other way. It happens to me often being oftentimes one of a few minorities in predominately white circles. Someone (non-black) tells me how they really enjoyed my company, liked me, and would like to get together, but you see them again and its as if they never met you or spoke such kind words. You learn later they have a crew of people who look and act like them and its safe to assume they aren't much interested in dealing with that fight that comes with befriending minorities amongst their prejudice favorites. Sooner or later the mere appearance of that token black in the circle is going to move the ignorant to say something they have no business saying (sigh).
So the rejected becomes the rejecting after repeated fights to fit in--which now that I am older, I have long given that up, but I speak to this for someone reading my blog post. We filter who we meet with a fine tooth comb and if they don't meet certain criteria we reject. I use to do it for petty reasons just because I felt empowered in some way. We look for evidence that one is for us or against us and if we find out "against" we look for ways to make them pay. We are watchful over what we say or do and reserve the best for our kind--some of you remember when the brutha or sista gave you the hook up--it was a kick in the shins to the establishment. And then of course, we don't give too much or too little to a connection we have made with someone usually non-black, because we just don't know, we just don't know--helper or traitor.
Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of many books including: When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.
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African American Planet: Relationships, Education, Products & Lifestyle by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at africanamericanplanet.blogspot.com.
