A Son's Tribute to His Father - Father's Day Special

Fathers Who Wanted Sons

Happy Father's Day - For the Man who Enjoys Being a Dad

We salute or pat the men on the back who genuinely put their time, energy and money into building their families up not breaking them down due to unmet selfish needs.  As for the men who are all lip service whether to us or others this upcoming holiday, we have nothing to say to them or about them, all is quiet--God sets things up that way.  Sure, the reprobate, apostate, backsliders, and downright evil men will tell you people on and offline nice statements about their families on their social media accounts or at workplaces, but we either know our relatives quite well or live with them.
 
These kinfolk as well as "baby daddies" have lied, cheated, stole, acted disrespectful to the ones who bore them children and more.  They may act kind to the children when they are "in the mood" just so long as handing money or a toy doesn't inconvenience them.  But let that child whine, complain, or ask for more...and oh boy!  All hell is going to break lose.  "Did you put that child up to asking me for that?  I ain't got no more money for ya'll!  Stop asking me!  You got a job, use your d@mn money!  I don't play...Don't you know how to do that, why you asking me go ask your Mama!"  the insulted and impatient fathers say.

Yet, the father, the one who makes sacrifices for his--the one who shows the children how much he loves mom too, he is to be commended!  There is no blame, shame, or having to tame him, he knows what to do to make his family happy.  He works, pays bills, sits down with his family to a periodic meal or daily, he attends worship service or prays with family at home, a generous and kind man, it isn't any wonder he is most wanted.

I don't know about you but I am not dispensing Happy Father's Day to just anyone.  I am not going to hide, lie and cover up truth either.  Every year on and offline there is always someone or a group that sings praises to men in and out of churches who don't have a clue what is really going on with them when it comes to marriage and family and the same thing occurs around Mother's Day too. 

Some secretly angry or bitter men and women resent their life choices.  They consider anything that takes away from their fun, quiet time, or money a burden.  Rather than be faithful to a partner and train up a child, they treat that a partner and a child like toys.  They pay attention to them when they "feel" like playing with them whether morally or immorally while looking for selfish benefits.

Fathers, who never wanted to be fathers, hide their resentful emotions by projecting their frustrations on to the mothers in or out of their lives even when the door has been left wide open for them to walk right out and never come back.  They use partners and children for photo opps, extra income, fodder around the water cooler at work, and for the narcissists and psychopaths' supply emotionally, physically or otherwise.  Sometimes the children are used as tools to lure new partners until they are no longer needed.  Children are "good workers" and "make me proud" to doting parents who are more concerned about how they look rather than contributions made in the lives of their families.  But when kids are older, more discerning and cost more while no longer feeding these fathers' and stepfathers' egos they are criticized, written out of wills, and banned from coming around the family.  The son is no good, the daughter is full of sh*t, and the grandchildren are "good for nothing."  And God sees and hears all.

One day a father will have to give account to his Creator for all those hours he sat watching strangers play sports on entertainment devices rather than get out with his children and show them how to play.  He will have to tell of times he could have given more to the family he lives with or created, but held back so that lovers, parents, siblings, extended relatives, exes and others could benefit while feeding his ego with, "You are such a good son...You are the best brother...Thank you so much Uncle!"  Meanwhile, his children and grandchildren are still struggling, asking people outside the family for hand-outs, or forced to sign up for government programs due to his frugality or lack.  He will have to explain why he was so hateful toward his children's mom or mothers and why he did everything to avoid paying child support.  He will have to come clean before the Lord confessing why he didn't listen to truth.

So why esteem those who are undeserving of such a holiday?  Is it because you desire to feel good by making someone else feel good--wouldn't it be better to expose men on their evil ways and be blessed by the great I AM?  Why call something or someone "good" when it is evident he or it is evil?  Why tell lies and exaggerations to puff up the pride of children of darkness who say and do despicable things behind the backs of grandmothers, mothers and children?  Why?  Does one's dysfunctional programming passed down from generations call master good when he is indeed bad for fear of the repercussions for speaking up, breaking up, and moving away?  Happy Father's Day means what really?  What about your Father in heaven, doesn't he deserve the honor first and foremost?

Just because a man brings a child into this world and provides for basic needs or not doesn't make him anything more than just a man.  But a father walks in the shadow of his Almighty Father and dispenses the kind of love, patience and compassion on to his family that others can learn from and mimic. 

Say Happy Father's Day to the men who love and appreciate their families.  Examine the fruit on the trees of others and bless those who have demonstrated what it truly means to be a father beyond material wealth and money.

Blessings to the righteous fathers who are fighting the good fight--loving and appreciating wives and children.  Keep doing what you are doing!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad

Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire - book excerpt - Prideful Fathers

As I discovered more about myself, I observed that some men and women I knew personally and professionally had some daddy hang-ups too. Some of us weren't children of divorce and didn't have Dads that weren't living outside of the home, yet we had emotional issues. There were those of us who were looking for surrogate fathers through marriage, others who tried to make peace with the past after dads had died by leaning on many lovers and addictions, and those who had no clue where to begin when it came to connecting with their fathers because of old wounds, so they either created false stories or exaggerated events to ease the pain. Then of course, there were daughters who didn't have any problems that they could think of concerning their fathers. As for men I knew with broken relationships with their fathers either they didn't have their fathers around, didn't know him or he was around but was very demanding or ineffective--one of two extremes.

I didn't breathe a word to those who had what were seemingly healthy relationships with their fathers about anything negative concerning my family, because I didn't need or want their advice or pity. As far as they knew, "I have a good family...nice, kind, loving." Some of this had long been seeded in me by my parents even when I didn't always agree. Were they really as positive as I made them appear to be? Every so often, but the old mantra, "What goes on in this house stays in the house," played like a broken record in my head, because their parents told them the same thing. Even when I was really young, I knew there were some things being covered up, and my eyes didn't deceive me. I saw my parent's personality issues and weaknesses. I couldn't help but feel different, from time to time confused maybe even jealous when some friends talked so positively about their Dads and were all smiles when they hugged and joked with them. Many Dads, with military programming, come with much baggage and their families suffer more than they will ever tell. Throw alcohol in the mix with loved ones and you are in for a treat! When I was a child, there wasn't a family event that didn't include men pouring strong drinks and a few women taking their sips.

My book Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire touches on Daddy problems and solutions that will help disappointed sons and daughters get past personal pain and struggles and on to a path toward some healing and understanding! The daddy issues presented are those past offenses, unresolved dilemmas, hidden emotional pain, and memories of verbal and/or physical abuse that didn't easily go away no matter how old you are or how much you visit and/or talk with a father(s). Those daddy issues also come in the form of dating and marrying mature men old enough to be a Dad's brother or worse close to a grandfather's age. You might lean on these men for support and/or companionship. You look to them for comfort. But for many young, frustrated women they get nothing more than controlling partners who aren't interested in nothing more than someone to care for them like a daughter, have sex, or a baby.

During my college years, I had no clue that some of my life choices were directly connected with a lack of a father-daughter bond. I had some idea I was in trouble when I wrote Chapter Six: Crying to Be Loved by Men in my book When Mothers Cry back in 2009. "Daddy issues become our man's issues whether we choose to admit it or not. They become his issues because if we don't make peace with what Dad did or didn't do, we will take it out on the man who says, 'I love you!' Women who have trust issues just didn't get them since dating men, they started before the dating years with (their) dad(s)," I wrote.

I think of the older men I attracted in my youth. I wanted very much to get rid of these guys after a short time of dating. I didn't want to experience rejection. I worked hard to avoid that point in the relationship where the guy is not being affectionate, finding fault with his girl, and then eventually ignoring her while he focuses on someone else. So I made a point to break up when I saw the first signs of disinterest. A couple of lovers admitted I was too young after they got what they wanted from me--I felt used.

I realize now that what I was really avoiding in those short-term dating relationships was a repeat of an on again off again connection with my own dad. As long as I did what was expected, all was cool with Dad, but break the rules, go rogue, or declare one's independence and there wasn't too much of anything coming from him. No eye contact, no messages through mom, no once in a blue moon conversation on the phone, or a gift from Dad--nothing! Play the game his way you win with a periodic acknowledgement, play the game your way, and you lose. Gifts and service had strings attached. As I matured, I gradually stopped playing stressful, mind twisting games and started centering my world on someone greater than my dad and that began with Jesus Christ back in 1997. I appreciate my father's support when he did provide it in my life from relocations to money, and I know he was grateful for the times that I acknowledged both him and my mother, but like he changed so did I by the time the 2000s came around.

There are fatherless daughters and sons who are grieving not just because their dads have died, but because they never truly had a bond with them. As much as a parent/guardian would like to blame children for a lack of relationship with him or her, the reality is that the individual must be the one to initiate a relationship and teach children what it means to love. As long as there is breath in his body, a father must be willing to connect with his son or daughter in a way that will encourage and strengthen, not only a bond with him, but others in their lives too. Far too many prideful fathers drop the ball because they feel it is more important to build connections outside of the home like: camaraderie between teammates, professionals at the workplace, and their favorite people than with loved ones. Now and then broken-hearted mothers are left out the loop and other relatives, because they are guilty of not being proactive themselves in the lives of their children, participating in petty misdeeds, and other things they have done to push children away while angering the fathers. Sometimes Dads want relationships with children, but busybody, bitter wives or exes won't let that happen as will be discussed in this book.

There are those fathers who are selfish and don't want anyone influencing their sons and daughters. On the other hand, there are cold-hearted dads who could care less about their children. Some dads believe that as long as bills are paid, along with some sort of feminine assistance in the nurturing department, they don't need to do much else; you will read more about this in a later chapter.

What is it about your dad that keeps you up at night? What would you like most from the first man in your life? If he passed away, what do you think you would miss about him? If he has already passed, do you have any regrets and what have you done to make peace? Are there things you feel you missed out on from the past that is presently affecting your present? What could Dad have done to bridge a gap with you and what could you have done to help? For some fathers, they are willing to do what it takes to help their children find solace...

There are many factors that ruin chances to bond with sons Say Goodbye to Dad. Demanding dad won't stop pressuring children, critical caretaker doesn't know when to shut up, strict stepfather provides no breathing room, and other similar fathers just don't bother to put themselves in their children's shoes. Further, these troubled men don't know how to discipline in love consistently and unfortunately have taught sons and daughters to behave just like them. They either caution too much or too little about their children's misdeeds. They provide just enough or nothing at all toward their offspring's basic needs. They are too self-absorbed, impatient, or downright mean to instruct their kids on how to do some useful things, but in public view you would never detect their flaws since they act well-adjusted and helpful with other people's children.

and daughters as you will read in

You will learn more things you can do to protect yourself and family emotionally and physically from what you have experienced as a result of a Dad not doing his part in your life. As for the ineffective dads, the ones I heard a few people describe as "good for nothing" or "lazy," these guys could care less about their sons and daughters, because they have written themselves out of their children's lives or vice versa. One father said, "I have a child, but no one needs to know about that." Another said, "I don't have any that I know of," while all along he knew he had a child. Some fathers were well-aware of all their children, but caring for them wasn't on the agenda, "That's what their mothers are there for...I didn't want any children." You will read how some of their children handled them over the years.

Get your copy of Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire here.

Young son of older father sharing experience and advice

Wisdom for Hurting Sons and Daughters of Flawed Fathers - Part One of Two - YouTube

An old message to evoke a new way of looking at your past situations and how they play a part in your present life. Listen.

Wisdom for Hurting Sons and Daughters of Flawed Fathers - Part One of Two - YouTube

Sins of the Father: After Father's Day Blues - YouTube

Sins of the Father: After Father's Day Blues - YouTube

What About Daddy? The African American Father is Accused of Not Being Bothered with His Children

I was talking to an older relative not that long ago about what I noticed when observing black men with their children and I was disappointed with what I saw.  Some were in their children's lives, but not really doing much with them.  Others were not in their children's lives and acted as if they had no children.  So the listener told me, "Oh, you didn't know?  Black men don't play with their children.  Take up time?  They don't do that." 

I must admit I was angered by what I saw and what the relative said.  Is this true?  Most black men don't have time for their children.  Is this something that non-blacks know and capitalize off of it?  Are those in powerful positions constantly at work to ensure that the black man doesn't have time for his children?

This wasn't one of those blame it on "The Man" moments for me, so I threw that thought out of my head.  It was evident upon closer inspection of my own personal experiences and others, that many, definitely not all, black men were not the kind that was going to get off the couch and play with the kids.  "I don't do that," one father told me.  He felt like bringing home the money was good enough.  So was this really an issue of laziness?

What is so difficult for a man, any man, to stop watching TV and go take the kids somewhere or get a ball, toy or game and just sit down and play with them or better yet teach them something school-related?  Now some men would say, "Well I take up time with my child.  We play video games.  We go places."  That's good for your household, but seriously that isn't enough.  But there are many men who rarely (if ever) do even that much!  Ask the single African American mothers who are raising little black boys and girls by themselves, Where is daddy and if he is around, what exactly is he doing to contribute to the lives of his children mentally, physically and spiritually?

Oh, we know where some daddies are, don't we?  Sometimes he is in the bed of his other woman or women.  Sometimes he is too busy making money to give a "you-know-what."  Other times he is at the bar, the club or just out in the street.  There are those times when he is working the field selling whatever to whoever or he is at the plant, the site or corporate office just doing his thing.  Meanwhile, his children are driving mama crazy with all their requests!  "Mama would you play with me?  Mama could you take me to the mall?  Mama when is daddy coming to get me?" 

When Mama drops the ball when trying to fulfill all her children's demands, she is considered "a bad mom."  I ask again, "Where is daddy?"  We all should be asking this question.

Daddy may be right there in the home, but this doesn't mean that daddy is doing anything with those kids, but maybe disciplining them.  "Take your...to bed!  Sit your...down!  If you come over here one more time..."  He is watching the game, his movie, listening to his music, talking on his cell phone, or out in the garage working on his car.  He has no time for kids and he isn't ashamed to tell you.  "I work all d*mn day!  I ain't got time for these children!  They better go somewhere and sit down and play!"  Daddy was raised by old school parents, "Children were made to be seen, but not heard."
So is daddy's lack of taking up time with the children really an issue of acting selfish?

There is something wrong when we have so many black males acting feminine.  The absentee father or overly macho dad plays a part in the effeminization of the black male.  Don't blame mama when Johnny is switching his tail and throwing up his hands!  There is also something wrong when we have daughters trying to act like sons.  His daughter is dressing like a boy, talking like boys and wishing she was a boy, uh oh!  So many fathers of these children blaming "their mama."  But what about you, brotha?  What are you doing or not doing?  That's your sissy son and Tomboy daughter you talk negatively about and then you want to blame their mama?! 

Fathers, are you really sitting down with your children on a regular basis teaching them life lessons or are you leaving it up to the schools and the local civic groups (which I might add are primarily run by non-blacks?) 

When I talked about this issue of some, once again not all, black men not spending time or playing with their children with men and women over the years, there were excuses.  Some said, "He's in jail, can't do anything when he's in jail.  He don't have any education.  He don't make much money.  He is busy doing other things.  He works all day.  He's tired."  The men that were in some of these women's lives got the pass on not taking time with the children, because he was a good provider.  "Hey, he brings home the money!  I'm not complaining," a mother of two told me once.  However, the men who weren't in the family's lives, didn't get a break.  "He was a no good $^%#!  Ignorant son of #$%^&!"  and whatever other name they could come up with.

I personally believe it is up to each father to seriously take a look at how much time he is spending doing other things on and away from the homefront as compared to how involved he is in his children's lives.  Children grow up fast!  They only ask parents to be a part of their world's for a time and then one day they aren't asking anymore.  They start not caring whether mom or dad shows up to their events.  Their progress in school starts to take a slow decline.  Before long, they start acting sneaky, lying and doing other things to get the attention from someone or some group since dad couldn't care less because his job, TV shows, his women, his friends or whatever else are more important. 

Nicholl McGuire