Women Cautioned to Leave Miserable Relationships

Unhealthy Dysfunctional Relationships with Family

Would you permit a man or woman you didn’t like to show up in your home and help his or herself to the food in your refrigerator, take whatever he or she wanted out of your children’s rooms, and go rummaging through your drawers and closets?  Of course, you wouldn’t but so many men and women in dysfunctional relationships are allowing people they secretly don’t like or know well to take advantage of them because they are “family.”

When does one ever say, “No!  I will not put up with this and I don’t care who you are in my life!”  Over and over again people are hurt not by people they don’t know, but people who they know by a title: spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc.  Other relatives who know of a family falling out will encourage the used and abused to “forgive, go back, let by-gones, be by-gones…what would Jesus do?” and any other statement that creates a sense of guilt in the victim.  So like a merry-go-round ride that never seems to end so too are these relationships with toxic family members and friends. 

Hurt yet again, the daughter keeps showing up to get yet another dose of her mother’s insults.  Depressed again and a nephew drags his feet to the residence of an aunt and uncle, who are mentally disturbed, to witness yet another despicable act.  They are told to “help, to be there…they need you” by so-called good relatives and friends. “you will be blessed if you do.  Mom will remember you in her will.  You know your kin will help you when you need them.”  Yet, for many victims the so-called “reward” or “blessing” never paid out nearly as much as it should have for all the pain and suffering one endured having gone through another emotionally and or physically abusive event.  Would God ever tell his children to go back to evil?  He frees people from mental and physical bondage and moves them forward as we see in biblical stories such as the Exodus in the Old Testament Bible for starters.

Unhealthy dysfunctional relationships wreck havoc on your personal and professional lives.  Toxic relatives and friends call, when you least expect it, to deliver most often negative news while criticizing you for “not being there” and “you should help, because that is your family.”   Before long the victim, who may have once been emotionally and physically free from the power and control, is back in bondage.  The cycle continues until the victim chooses to no longer succumb to guilt-trips, ignoring or threatening behavior from controlling relatives and friends.

Some things that you can do who is in currently in a dysfunctional relationship:

1)  Express your concern to relatives about their request/proposal/behavior.  Tell them that you cannot help and don’t bother listing a myriad of reasons, simply let your “no” mean “no” even if they refuse to take it for answer.

2)  Threatening or violent relatives keep yourself, pets and children away.  If you live with them, begin to plan your exit plan where you are no longer relying on them for anything.  You wouldn’t accept a stranger abusing you or your family, so why allow them to abuse you?

3)  Seek counselors who can help you with things like: responding differently to controlling relatives and friends, read media like this to keep you encouraged to develop distance and be open to connecting with positive people while disconnecting from the negative ones.

What has it been like lately for you?  Have you found yourself going above and beyond for needy relatives and friends only to be ridiculed, shamed, or violently assaulted for not doing more?  If you have recently put a stop to the manipulative tactics of toxic family and friends, do share your experience in the comments below.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, When Mothers Cry and other nonfiction books.

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The People Factor Relationship Devotional Day - Featuring Ruben Studdard

Stop Pitying Toxic Men and Women, Accepting Their Foolishness

We make excuses, lie, cover up, and attack others when they speak convicting truth when are minds are set on defending esteemed abusers, users, and everyone else in between.  Real truth speaks to our weaknesses, makes us feel vulnerable and we find ourselves crying a lot with a strong desire to do some things differently in our lives. 

Let's face it, we pity our troubled, unstable kinfolk and others.  We fall for their tired excuses, help spread their dysfunction, and then when we are disrespected or wronged by our own kind, now we have "issues" with them.  The writing is usually on the wall early on, why don't we read it? 

Your people and mine don't want our pity.  Try telling a relative or family friend, "I feel sorry...That's too bad...What a pity!" and daggers will shoot out of cold eyes.  "So you think you are better than me?" a troubled loved one might respond.  Pity and empathy are two different things and many of our people don't do either well.  We are not to look down on someone, but what we could do is allow ourselves to feel compassion for another human being without being that negative person's pin cushion, punching bag, scapegoat, rag doll, errand boy, mistress, servant, benefactor, and more. 

Put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment by picturing what it might be like being him or her--wounded, struggling, angry, jealous, etc.  With some understanding of others, personal and professional relationships just might flourish, new friends might be won, and peace might be restored in families, at work and other places simply because you validate but you don't tolerate.  There is no using and abusing you anymore no matter what the person's ethnicity.  I recall hearing a man tell another, "You know us blacks have to stick together."  Not necessarily.  There are plenty of blacks who have become quite successful without carrying the extra weight.  How long do you have to be your brothers keeper?  Aren't we supposed to be casting our burdens to the Lord?  If "they" become burdens emotionally and/or physically, learn how to say, "Goodbye."

In closing, if we aren't doing what's right when it comes to our personal and professional relationships, then chances are we are doing something wrong and we usually know when we find ourselves bound by negative people, places and things all over again. 

Pitying people who create their own dramas, stress, and other challenges while putting down those who are living their best lives now, wrong.  Inviting Misery to stay for awhile knowing full well he or she is mentally unstable, wrong.  Creating problems for others because one's plate is already full is just wrong! 

Some will justify misdeeds by telling others, "It is what it is, that's still your mama, grandma, daddy, husband, child..." Meanwhile, those who desire freedom and peace are trying to find stability in their own lives by allowing a cutting away.  Like a fig tree that is dying, if it isn't producing any fruit, it must be cut. 

Plenty of bad advisors basically co-sign on foolishness by encouraging relationships with toxic men and women that should have long expired.  Don't let it happen or continue to occur with you!  God bless. 

Nicholl McGuire the author of Say Goodbye to Dad, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, and other books.

  

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You Don't Appreciate a D*mn Thing Until It's Gone

Let’s be real today, some of us are often taken for granted, as if we are always going to call, come around, be available, and help others.  

People who are sweet, nice and kind, don’t always stay that way especially when they see some foolishness going on with so-called trustworthy individuals around them.  Nice people have their moments too, but when life storms pass, they know how to take their position again and be that loving person (that is if they aren’t taken for granted yet again).  “Do you need something…I got you on that…you know I look out for you baby…” says that nice person in your circle.  But that difficult wife, husband, friend, or whoever else is responding to that nice woman or man with a half-hearted smile and a slight eye-roll.  Sitting down on the couch just looking “all ugly,” the unforgiving is looking like, “Don’t act all nice with me, I’m still trippin’ off what you did/said!”  Why does this kind of thing go on for so long and what makes the bitter person think that folks want to keep putting up with tension for the rest of their lives with someone who is supposed to be friend?  

Difficult people either refuse or don’t know how to let go of angry feelings because “you said…some years back and I’m still mad about that!”  Get over it if you want to keep your loved ones in your circle, keep your job, your house, car, etc.!  How long are we going to keep resenting folks because they made us mad?  At least the brotha or sista is tryin’!  I would have to ask that person who is still upset, what have you done lately to make peace?  What is usually the answer?  “Well I thought about…I mean I could of…well I am just still mad and I can’t get over stuff that easily...you don’t understand!”  So then you are prepared to say, “bye,” right?  Because if one wants to keep a war going, his or her intentions are to destroy something, right?   When that man, woman, boss, co-worker or some other person who is trying to mend fences grows weary of the fight to win trust, love, appreciation, togetherness, and so on and so forth, he or she will disconnect from you and move on with his or her life absent of the tension from some of you reading this.  A relative, co-worker, friend or even an article online warned you, but you keep greeting that loved one, boss, supervisor, a child, friend, or a relative with that cutting eye.

How long do we think nice people are going to stick around and wait for us to get our attitudes right?  And, when will we be willing to put in a good effort to make that relationship, family, opportunity, or something else work?  How long, people!  We have got to stop sitting on the fence when it comes to our personal issues, forget the economy and who is going to run this country, you have more important matters that are affecting you on a daily basis.  When the evidence shows that everyone is ready to move forward, you best be on the bus when it comes to the home-front and your business endeavors.

Some of us have been nursing wounds since childhood—won’t speak to parents because they are still tripping on some B.S. from back in the day.  Others are still angry with exs, noticed I said EXS, and won’t let parents see, live with or raise kids even though the child’s mother or father has proven they are doing good— some of you reading this are wrong and God sees you!  

When the evidence and proof is right in front of those angry eyes that loved ones, friends, workers, etc. are trying to do right, then who are we to keep punishing folks with our eyes, sighs, yells, slamming doors, back-stabbing, name-calling, and so on!?

You see, black folks (most I know, I don’t know about you) love the fights more than they enjoy peace.  Despite claiming that they love love,  I can’t tell!   It’s hard to see or experience true love when you listen to some broken record conversation about, “How he said that…why I can’t stand her…and why I will never forget when…and h*ll I ain’t forgiving no d*mn body with his sorry @#$^&*!”  

When do we get beyond the grief?  When do we make amends, if not with the one who is trying to make peace, but with ourselves?  When do we get to that place that we stop hatin’ and start embracin’?  I’m just sayin’.  

So that’s it for the day, a little somethin’ somethin’.  I have to “code switch” in other words get back to that regular conversation that is less hood and more neighborhood—peace, blessings and love to all reading this!

Nicholl

You can learn more about me on YouTube.  I am the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian’s Critic and other books.

Stubborn, Hard-Headed Black Children Grow Up to Be...

You have them in your circle stubborn, hard-headed black folk who don't listen!  You tell them things like: where to go to get some help about a situation, how to put something together, and why he or she might be having problems in his or her relationship, but they just nod their head and do what they want anyway.  You might have someone like this in your family or elsewhere and you are about ready to cut him or her off, but before you do, keep in mind, you didn't always listen either.

I was very angry at a relative and a friend on two separate occasions this year because the more they told me about what was troubling them, the more it seemed they would cut me off if I attempted to say something like, "Well, did you try..."  I had listened to their ramblings long pass my deadline to get on with my personal tasks of the day, like use the toilet and do my hair.  "Huh..."  I said.  "Now run that by me again, you did what?  He said...Well did you try..."  Back to the beginning of the conversation they go and I'm ready to get off the phone.  I'm thinking, "Why are you wasting my time?"

On another occasion, I was trying to explain why something just wasn't happening related to a personal issue and why "I felt this way and why I did..." regarding this person; instead of being apologetic and providing some solutions moving forward, my listener just looked at me.  No accountability for one's own deeds in the situation was taken mind you.  It was as if the person was saying, "Keep on talking and eventually you will hang yourself, so I can have something to say about you."  Meanwhile, I wasn't the focal point, my listener was at fault "...for not listening in the first place...doing your own thing...," but somehow the conversation was turned on me.

Hard-headed black children become hard-headed black adults who know everything and you can't tell them anything different!  They will not look at the glass half full, rather everything they view is half empty.  "I don't have any money and I can't look for a job right now 'cause...  My man is always cheatin', but I need him right now 'cause...and I don't think I could ever find anyone who would put up with...  I can't stand my baby's ma and I don't believe there is anyone I would ever marry..." on and on stubborn black folks with excuses keep talking and rarely do any walking!

When you make an attempt to advise a hard-headed individual, look out!  You just might be criticized and oh no, don't bring God, church, prayer, or anything spiritual into the conversation if one has been burned by a so-called Christian in the past because you just might get cussed out!  I recall when I was told about a relative who needed assistance and so I was given the phone to listen to his situation.  I proceeded to advise him, but when I brought God into it, he refused to listen and boldly told me, "Don't pray for me."  I thought to myself, "But you are in a situation where only Jesus can help you."  This brother seriously needed a miracle.  I got off the phone with him and haven't talked to him since because he has been locked up, been on drugs, and his women problems are mounting.  He is keeping away from the family, because he know he messed up.  Looking back, his issues since he was a child had been:  "not paying attention, doesn't stay focused, doesn't follow instructions..."  I rest my case.

One day I planned to meet a police officer and brought all four of my boys with me.  I explained to them why they needed to hear what this man had to say.  He told us that most people who are in jail today is because "they don't listen."  At some point in these inmates lives someone told them, "Don't do...Stop doing...Stay away from..." and they ignored the warnings.  My boys listened intently.  I honestly don't know what the future holds, but all I can do is drill in their heads, "Listen!  Do what I tell you to do and you won't go wrong!"

As much as I love our people, I have to admit that much of our issues are because we spend more time doing what we think is right without:  checking with professionals, reading the instruction booklets carefully (like those that come with products), watching the how-to videos BEFORE starting a task, talking with wise relatives and mentors about things like relationship challenges, and taking a class on things we know we don't have any clue on how to do.  We rather pretend, fake the funk, act like we know everything and then when we are shamed, we blame other people.  Now you know that's not right!  Don't be hard-headed! 

I believe someone reading this is having his or her share of relationship struggles, money hardships, and job issues, if you would just focus on problem-solving, like looking up the information that will help you through your situation, I guarantee you will come out ahead!  Pull yourself away from distractions like:  celebrity news, eating, drinking, partying, and doing other things so that you can get some things accomplished!  Then when you are on the right track and see some REAL results, then start talking with some folks who can help you, but until that time, keep your mouth shut; because chances are someone in your circle is tired of listening to your same old tired song and dance about your relationship, your money, your job, your children, etc.--there's your warning, reader.

Fools for Love - Single, Engaged, Married Women Dating, Relationships

She's on the phone once again crying about her man, her kids and why no one wants to help her.  He sits down with his mama and she tries to give her son some advice, but all he wants to do is blame his woman.  What these two people with issues have in common is everyone is at fault, but them.

Not that long ago, I recorded an audio that was cutting to certain listeners because they knew they were fools for love, silly and were still making poor life decisions which they didn't want to address.  Abusive pasts, still bitter about parents, and upset that their lives were most likely reduced to TV and Internet entertainment outside of work, there are those people who come across some of my work and hate the truth that is in it.  Loveless relationships, annoying children, a lack of finances, you name it, I have my share of visitors that come to my sites.  But the ones who run from truth, don't like truth, want to argue with truth, they are the most popular.  My straightforward messages with convicting biblical truths get a dislike, soft messages that don't connect the bible to daily living and simply tell a story and a few lessons, get the pass-- no wonder people don't spiritually grow outside the church, because they don't want to face personal demons. 

"It's all your fault..." the son says to his mother.  "My fault?" She responds.  "Yeah, if you didn't yell at me for so many years and tried to be nicer to my dad and did more for me maybe I wouldn't have so many issues with women!"  You see the problems in this example, now son wants to blame mom for everything wrong in his personal relationships.  Well, daughters who grow up to be adult women start feeling and saying similar things to their parents.  "My dad wasn't there for me...I wish I could have had him around," the sad woman complains.  Be it right or wrong what our people did or din't do for us, we all have a lot of growing up, forgiving and trusting in our Creator to do.  But our responsibility to others, assuming that we are wise adults, comes when we have arrived at certain truths in our lives after much experience making foolish decisions.  We  are to teach others how to avoid making the same mistakes.

So here is my attempt to raise a mirror to those young women's faces out here on the Internet through the following Holy Spirit inspired video. It's like a hairstylist giving her client a mirror to check her hair after it is done, "What do you think?" she asks.  "Well I don't know...could you fix that...and then could you do this..." the client replies and the stylist sighs.  Unfortunately, in God's kingdom there is no caring about what anyone thinks.  Learn what you can from this audio and make your own necessary adjustments to your life. 

What Can We All Learn From the Chris Brown & Rihanna Situation?

African Americans in volatile relationships isn't nothing new under the sun. I'm not suggesting all African American couples, because that wouldn't be the truth. But if some of us aren't in crazy relationships at this very moment, at some point in our lives we either will be or already been there and done that when we thought we were in love, when in fact we were really in lust!

You see, I am angry at both of them, the parents, their business team, the paparazzi, the people around them and anyone else connected to all the Chris Brown and Rihanna madness! The main reason I'm upset is because no one can claim, "I didn't know." There were Internet reports from various media outlets describing the relationship as being volatile. There were also stories about Chris Brown growing up in an abusive atmosphere. And finally, there were photos taken of him losing his cool at a club in Germany (mind you they weren't serving nonalcoholic beverages either.)

Now let's just use a little common sense and say, that Chris is an underage drinker (might be an alcoholic)a victim of an abusive past with a proven temperament -- put it altogether and see what you got?

Now on to Rihanna, there have been Internet reports circulating about a particular love interest that she had been involved with before she met Chris, does anyone know why they broke up? It may play a part as to what type of girlfriend she can be, did anyone bother to seek out any past boyfriends or girlfriends of either Chris or Rihanna? Some sites report that Rihanna's friends actually talked about how she can't be anywhere without Chris and she has been known to keep the fans (girls) from seeing him backstage. Words like "obsessed" were used to describe her side of the relationship, hmmm?! Not only that a source told the Chicago Sun Times that Rihanna hired a private investigator and an additional "mole" to be a part of Chris' team. This was to be sure Chris was behaving himself during his European tour back in January. Smells like obsession to me!

Now I don't know about you, but I haven't been around enough Caribbean women to call them "hot heads" or "hot bloods," but some online sources say she has another side to her (well don't we all?) There are also online photos of Rihanna holding up a champagne glass the night of the incident, before the altercation, which also tells me that she too is a drinker (mind you before the legal age as well.) Lastly, she has a history of herpes and well in some photos you can clearly see Chris isn't happy. Check out Mediatakeout.com. One photo taken looks as if he is looking at her mouth with a "don't kiss me" look.

Now let's just put it altogether and see what we got, Rihanna a jealous girlfriend with a temper, known to drink alcohol with a health ailment that tends to make one become very moody?

Now throw in their young ages (19 and soon to be 21 years) into the mix, money, fans, no family support system nearby...tension is building, hormones are raging, and one day someone is going to snap!!!!

The lessons to be learned from their situation go like this:

+Relationships are not for people who are just starting to peak in their careers.

+Alcohol is not for people who don't know how to drink it responsibly let alone aren't of legal age!

+Men and women who are loved by a large following of people need not get into relationships with one another, because feeling secure in a relationship of Chris and Rihanna's kind of magnitude is beyond challenging -- it is a downright assault on one's emotions. One man commented in a forum discussing the Chris and Rihanna situation, he said "I know how it can be Chris with so many men wanting your lady...that thing is powerful...it will make a man go crazy...hang in there Chris."

+Ladies (and gentlemen): avoid dating temperamental people (especially those who haven't had any counseling after growing up in abusive households.)

+Men: Don't ignore signs of a jealous, insecure woman such as: "I need you...I can't live without you...who is that?...What does she want?" statements just about every other day!

+Finally, think real hard whether you want to take a chance with your health dating someone with an STD.

Feel free to conduct your own research using keywords like: Rihanna boyfriend, Rihanna herpes, Chris Brown domestic violence, Chris Brown fight...

Written by Nicholl McGuire