Showing posts with label african american parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label african american parents. Show all posts
Monday
Thursday
Friday
5 Things We Forget When It Comes to Teaching Our Youth
As adults we tend to forget about our weaknesses when teaching children. We don't always get it right when we make life decisions. People get angry with us too and expect us to "stay focused," "do a good job," and "don't get into any trouble." With so many marriages ending in divorce, children born out of wedlock, job terminations, alcohol and drug use impairing good judgment, sexual diseases, and despicable media negatively impacting our communities, we can't always get it right no matter how hard we try at times. So keep this in mind before you come down hard on children.
One. Some relatives who we admired were not always wise and may have had personality disorders.
You may not want to tell your children about your "business," or someone else's, but there were some things about favorite relatives that just wasn't right whether you know it or not. Some family members had (or still have) personality disorders and sometimes those mental issues get in the way of sound judgment. For instance, consider how angry some were when it came to relationships and parenting children, how they treated others outside the home, the time they spent doing wicked things, or controlling behaviors they exhibited. Sometimes disturbing personality traits are carried over into the next generation.
Two. You didn't always tell the truth or practice what you preach.
As much as we would like to believe we are perfect, we are not. Oftentimes, your children and other individuals see where you don't always do what you say. Some parents get mad when their offspring call them out on their foolishness, but why get mad? You did it, so speak truth--don't make excuses, and work not to do it again.
Three. You most likely are the reason why your children and others don't respond positively to you.
Sometimes what we believe are the children's faults are really our issues. We tend to project what we are going through on to others and think that there are no consequences. So take a moment and ask yourself, "How am I contributing to this problem (whatever it might be) when it comes to my children or does it really have anything to do with them?"
Four. You aren't respectful of others' time and energy every now and then.
You may have heard, "You have to give respect in order to receive it." So if you are often tardy to events, do a lot of excuse-making, and do other things that make people feel uneasy when they have spent their time and energy for you, is it any wonder why your children have little regard for what you do for them?
Five. Sometimes you make mistakes and don't learn from them.
We all expect children to learn from their mistakes, but are we? How many people do you have to sleep with before you come to the conclusion you need time alone? How much debt must you accumulate before you realize you need to stop spending so much money? How many lies do you have to tell, before you think, "I should stop lying."
Teach children by not only talking about all the successful things you have done, but what about those failures? Explain to them why it is so important to avoid as many bad decisions as you can and hopefully they just might do better as a result.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and provides spiritual insight here.
One. Some relatives who we admired were not always wise and may have had personality disorders.
You may not want to tell your children about your "business," or someone else's, but there were some things about favorite relatives that just wasn't right whether you know it or not. Some family members had (or still have) personality disorders and sometimes those mental issues get in the way of sound judgment. For instance, consider how angry some were when it came to relationships and parenting children, how they treated others outside the home, the time they spent doing wicked things, or controlling behaviors they exhibited. Sometimes disturbing personality traits are carried over into the next generation.
Two. You didn't always tell the truth or practice what you preach.
As much as we would like to believe we are perfect, we are not. Oftentimes, your children and other individuals see where you don't always do what you say. Some parents get mad when their offspring call them out on their foolishness, but why get mad? You did it, so speak truth--don't make excuses, and work not to do it again.
Three. You most likely are the reason why your children and others don't respond positively to you.
Sometimes what we believe are the children's faults are really our issues. We tend to project what we are going through on to others and think that there are no consequences. So take a moment and ask yourself, "How am I contributing to this problem (whatever it might be) when it comes to my children or does it really have anything to do with them?"
Four. You aren't respectful of others' time and energy every now and then.
You may have heard, "You have to give respect in order to receive it." So if you are often tardy to events, do a lot of excuse-making, and do other things that make people feel uneasy when they have spent their time and energy for you, is it any wonder why your children have little regard for what you do for them?
Five. Sometimes you make mistakes and don't learn from them.
We all expect children to learn from their mistakes, but are we? How many people do you have to sleep with before you come to the conclusion you need time alone? How much debt must you accumulate before you realize you need to stop spending so much money? How many lies do you have to tell, before you think, "I should stop lying."
Teach children by not only talking about all the successful things you have done, but what about those failures? Explain to them why it is so important to avoid as many bad decisions as you can and hopefully they just might do better as a result.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and provides spiritual insight here.
Tuesday
Too Strict, Demanding, Out of Control Black Parents
They go out of control to get their children in control, the big, black, bad a$$ parents banging on doors, throwing things, cursing, and threatening. You met some "ghetto" or "street smart" types in meetings yelling, saw them at family functions going off on relatives, or sat across from them when they stared angrily at children. You may have praised them for their strict parenting style, because the children "weren't any problem" or you may be one of them that folks in the family don't have too much to say when it comes to you and your kids. Tough-talking, mean, strict, and demanding, these impatient parents are secretly out of control despite managing others. They always have something negative to say about the kids even when they really aren't that much trouble.
I had put two and two together and came up with four issues that I personally experienced growing up and those issues were amplified once I had children of my own. I recognized that one issue I faced was not having a social life as a tween, because controlling parents didn't think I needed any friends or activities outside of "getting an education...you don't need no friends. Besides, they will get you in trouble." Everyone? "Our parents didn't believe in all that...go sit down somewhere and play!" The second problem was how you made mom and dad looked was more important than what you wanted. So decisions were made based on what you thought parents would be proud about and how they were viewed by the public more so than one's personal interests. "No, I can't sign up for that, because my mom said...I think I will take that because my dad said...They wouldn't want me to get that...ask for this...watch that..." Next, was this issue of being emotionally black-mailed into towing the line or forcibly made to do what was asked by any means necessary. "I can't all you right now Mom because...So you are going to do that just because I can't be there for you!? Dad you won't help me because I did...that happened when I was 13, are you serious!?" Lastly, challenges related to money. Since children will burden a parent's finances every now and then, they made d*mn sure you heard about it so that you didn't want to ask them for things even if you were in trouble while they spent freely. "I really could use the help...I know I asked last time, but that was different. I will buy my own...and I will get that too. I already too out enough loans, do you plan on helping me?"
When I added up the problems that kept arising, I came to one conclusion, this dysfunctional parenting stuff had to go and whatever I couldn't conquer, I needed to humbly ask for some help, do the research and read useful material--something many black folks don't like to do. Instead, it's "My mother said...My dad said...My grandma said...Cousin T.T. said...We turned out alright." No you didn't.
Strict about grades, where you go, who you see, and what you do doesn't end with childhood, some of these demanding parents keep up with the act. Then the children grow up and have some ways just like them and will try to check their mates, but they aren't having it. "You won't tell me what to do I'm a grown a$$ man! I will be d*mned you sit there and order me around!" says a loved one. You know where to draw the line. You can boss those children around, but don't try it with a partner!
The nasty attitude, bully demeanor, and mind manipulation might work for a season on one's kids, but they do grow up and they won't keep putting up with a pushy parent for long. Until a mother or father, who may now be a grandparent, truly looks at his or herself and examines where he or she is wrong there will always be push back from what appears to be rebellious children and grandchildren. In addition, the reality is that discerning sons and daughters don't want a wise-talking, neck swaying, finger snapping, in your face cursing kind of parent--that gets old and this is why some children are provoked to do the unthinkable--honor thy mother and father goes out the window especially when one could care less about the Bible.
I recognize sometimes children will make you "go there," (I have four sons), but if this is happening all the time, you have to ask yourself, "What am I doing wrong? How am I treating my child?" The answers usually come back to you between screams, cries, lies, and more, but are you truly listening or too busy thinking about getting power and control back over a son or daughter?
I was moved to write this piece, because I saw the truth from childhood and then again when I looked at the young people in my life and the fear was evident on their faces around parents and the pain I heard in their voices, "My dad said that...My mother did this...I don't like it when..." A couple of my sons don't have much longer until they are grown men and once they are gone, they are free to be whoever whatever hopefully according to the will of God.
You may know of someone who reached 20 plus or maybe even 40 or 50 plus and gave up appeasing Mama or Daddy it got to be too hard to put up with a strict, demanding parent who rarely had a nice word to say without having far too many criticisms or did some ugly things. So when aging parents finally need a son or daughter to come around, that door will be closed. Those who don't know what that feels like to be emotionally and/or physically worn out with parents will judge, persuade, hope, and pray, but unless you have been in an abusive relationship with a parent you don't understand. For some who have been there, done that, and got over some things (so they say), how they handled their situation doesn't fit all--there is no one size fits all when dealing with relatives. Be grateful that whatever someone is going through, you don't have to walk in their shoes.
Many people might applaud these tough-talking parents for their rigid parenting styles and wish more were like them, but what they don't realize is sooner or later the emotional breakdown or challenged family relationship will negatively affect the son or daughter (old or young). A young person might be knocked out the race toward a great career and/or family success not by competitive non-blacks, but his or her own people who just don't know when to stop putting so much pressure on him or her.
From stressing children about money related issues to demanding that they obligate themselves to family challenges, these critical parents become nothing more than an emotionally draining burden that adult sons and daughters eventually rid themselves of. With so many people concerned about their personal needs and pleasures nowadays, it won't be long before we will see more and more family strife and less family gatherings especially during the holidays.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.
I had put two and two together and came up with four issues that I personally experienced growing up and those issues were amplified once I had children of my own. I recognized that one issue I faced was not having a social life as a tween, because controlling parents didn't think I needed any friends or activities outside of "getting an education...you don't need no friends. Besides, they will get you in trouble." Everyone? "Our parents didn't believe in all that...go sit down somewhere and play!" The second problem was how you made mom and dad looked was more important than what you wanted. So decisions were made based on what you thought parents would be proud about and how they were viewed by the public more so than one's personal interests. "No, I can't sign up for that, because my mom said...I think I will take that because my dad said...They wouldn't want me to get that...ask for this...watch that..." Next, was this issue of being emotionally black-mailed into towing the line or forcibly made to do what was asked by any means necessary. "I can't all you right now Mom because...So you are going to do that just because I can't be there for you!? Dad you won't help me because I did...that happened when I was 13, are you serious!?" Lastly, challenges related to money. Since children will burden a parent's finances every now and then, they made d*mn sure you heard about it so that you didn't want to ask them for things even if you were in trouble while they spent freely. "I really could use the help...I know I asked last time, but that was different. I will buy my own...and I will get that too. I already too out enough loans, do you plan on helping me?"
When I added up the problems that kept arising, I came to one conclusion, this dysfunctional parenting stuff had to go and whatever I couldn't conquer, I needed to humbly ask for some help, do the research and read useful material--something many black folks don't like to do. Instead, it's "My mother said...My dad said...My grandma said...Cousin T.T. said...We turned out alright." No you didn't.
Strict about grades, where you go, who you see, and what you do doesn't end with childhood, some of these demanding parents keep up with the act. Then the children grow up and have some ways just like them and will try to check their mates, but they aren't having it. "You won't tell me what to do I'm a grown a$$ man! I will be d*mned you sit there and order me around!" says a loved one. You know where to draw the line. You can boss those children around, but don't try it with a partner!
The nasty attitude, bully demeanor, and mind manipulation might work for a season on one's kids, but they do grow up and they won't keep putting up with a pushy parent for long. Until a mother or father, who may now be a grandparent, truly looks at his or herself and examines where he or she is wrong there will always be push back from what appears to be rebellious children and grandchildren. In addition, the reality is that discerning sons and daughters don't want a wise-talking, neck swaying, finger snapping, in your face cursing kind of parent--that gets old and this is why some children are provoked to do the unthinkable--honor thy mother and father goes out the window especially when one could care less about the Bible.
I recognize sometimes children will make you "go there," (I have four sons), but if this is happening all the time, you have to ask yourself, "What am I doing wrong? How am I treating my child?" The answers usually come back to you between screams, cries, lies, and more, but are you truly listening or too busy thinking about getting power and control back over a son or daughter?
I was moved to write this piece, because I saw the truth from childhood and then again when I looked at the young people in my life and the fear was evident on their faces around parents and the pain I heard in their voices, "My dad said that...My mother did this...I don't like it when..." A couple of my sons don't have much longer until they are grown men and once they are gone, they are free to be whoever whatever hopefully according to the will of God.
You may know of someone who reached 20 plus or maybe even 40 or 50 plus and gave up appeasing Mama or Daddy it got to be too hard to put up with a strict, demanding parent who rarely had a nice word to say without having far too many criticisms or did some ugly things. So when aging parents finally need a son or daughter to come around, that door will be closed. Those who don't know what that feels like to be emotionally and/or physically worn out with parents will judge, persuade, hope, and pray, but unless you have been in an abusive relationship with a parent you don't understand. For some who have been there, done that, and got over some things (so they say), how they handled their situation doesn't fit all--there is no one size fits all when dealing with relatives. Be grateful that whatever someone is going through, you don't have to walk in their shoes.
Many people might applaud these tough-talking parents for their rigid parenting styles and wish more were like them, but what they don't realize is sooner or later the emotional breakdown or challenged family relationship will negatively affect the son or daughter (old or young). A young person might be knocked out the race toward a great career and/or family success not by competitive non-blacks, but his or her own people who just don't know when to stop putting so much pressure on him or her.
From stressing children about money related issues to demanding that they obligate themselves to family challenges, these critical parents become nothing more than an emotionally draining burden that adult sons and daughters eventually rid themselves of. With so many people concerned about their personal needs and pleasures nowadays, it won't be long before we will see more and more family strife and less family gatherings especially during the holidays.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.
Wednesday
Parental Challenges: Wisdom for Critical Parents with Rebellious Children
Listen to audio message by African American View on You Blog Owner, Nicholl McGuire, here. Feel free to join this speaker on the site.
Thursday
Friday
Sissy, Punk, and Mama's Boy - When Junior has His Daddy's Ways
Unfortunately as a child, I heard male relatives raised by their moms and grandma be called things like, "Sissy, Punk, Mama's Boy..." and also that other word that begins with an "F." It was sad to watch a few of these boys walk away from adult bullies with tears in their eyes while others tried to prove they were tough with fists up.
As I grew older, I could see why some of those boys turned men were called such bad names. It was as if they lived what they had been called out. The Sissy was just like the women he grew up around. The Punk would back down from any confrontation. The Mama's Boy was always doing what his Mama told him even when he didn't want to and sometimes he acted just like his Mama.
Although the issues were real and true, the name-calling was unnecessary. Funny, some of these young males had their daddy's name! So there was a deep-rooted anger there with some of the fathers. Junior didn't turn out to be like his daddy or he was either too much like his daddy depending on who you spoke to.
As much as I wanted to believe that some of these young men were going to be okay later in life, I later learned of the damage of their fathers not being pro-active in their lives. Daddy was either too busy chasing skirts, money, or a new opportunity, he didn't believe that he needed to spend quality time with his sons--that was Mama's job. However, Mama was cooking, cleaning, working outside the home, helping with homework, assisting other relatives, and more, how was she supposed to keep up? A few too many dads had the luxury of coming home from work and plopping in front of television screens and coming and going as they pleased while leaving an already frustrated and tired mom to care for kids.
There is a serious epidemic within the black community that is still very much present and it always comes back to fathers needing to spend time with children. The epidemic is no love, no patience, and no time. The poison spreads into intimate relationships, parenting, work performance, Christian counseling, and more. When related issues are raised Junior's dad becomes defensive. He acts rude and threatens to walk away. He doesn't want to face the truth. He places blame, fights with the mother of his children, and takes out some of his issues on others. He believes that a drink, a new woman, and more money will solve every problem he has including a poor relationship with his children.
It is my prayer that African American men who have watched their prideful, selfish and ignorant fathers over the years handle women, money, children, and more will stop deceiving themselves! Stop believing that emulating and being obedient to the man who called you a Sissy, Punk or Mama's Boy will heal the absence of love within. You just can't win a father's love by acting abusive mentally and physically like him to those who really do mean you well. Humble yourself and love and respect your wife/baby's mom and children--it isn't their fault for why you feel the way that you do about family. Lastly, be genuinely active in your children's lives (not just for lights and cameras, public opinion and holidays), life is too short!
Nicholl McGuire also maintains Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate blog.
As I grew older, I could see why some of those boys turned men were called such bad names. It was as if they lived what they had been called out. The Sissy was just like the women he grew up around. The Punk would back down from any confrontation. The Mama's Boy was always doing what his Mama told him even when he didn't want to and sometimes he acted just like his Mama.
Although the issues were real and true, the name-calling was unnecessary. Funny, some of these young males had their daddy's name! So there was a deep-rooted anger there with some of the fathers. Junior didn't turn out to be like his daddy or he was either too much like his daddy depending on who you spoke to.
As much as I wanted to believe that some of these young men were going to be okay later in life, I later learned of the damage of their fathers not being pro-active in their lives. Daddy was either too busy chasing skirts, money, or a new opportunity, he didn't believe that he needed to spend quality time with his sons--that was Mama's job. However, Mama was cooking, cleaning, working outside the home, helping with homework, assisting other relatives, and more, how was she supposed to keep up? A few too many dads had the luxury of coming home from work and plopping in front of television screens and coming and going as they pleased while leaving an already frustrated and tired mom to care for kids.
There is a serious epidemic within the black community that is still very much present and it always comes back to fathers needing to spend time with children. The epidemic is no love, no patience, and no time. The poison spreads into intimate relationships, parenting, work performance, Christian counseling, and more. When related issues are raised Junior's dad becomes defensive. He acts rude and threatens to walk away. He doesn't want to face the truth. He places blame, fights with the mother of his children, and takes out some of his issues on others. He believes that a drink, a new woman, and more money will solve every problem he has including a poor relationship with his children.
It is my prayer that African American men who have watched their prideful, selfish and ignorant fathers over the years handle women, money, children, and more will stop deceiving themselves! Stop believing that emulating and being obedient to the man who called you a Sissy, Punk or Mama's Boy will heal the absence of love within. You just can't win a father's love by acting abusive mentally and physically like him to those who really do mean you well. Humble yourself and love and respect your wife/baby's mom and children--it isn't their fault for why you feel the way that you do about family. Lastly, be genuinely active in your children's lives (not just for lights and cameras, public opinion and holidays), life is too short!
Nicholl McGuire also maintains Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate blog.
Tuesday
Children Will Remember...
Credit: Nicholl McGuire
I can't tell you how many people I have come across in my travels with a story about "how my dad didn't do...how my mother didn't have..." You can make up for all "you didn't get, couldn't do" and much more simply by making some time for your own children or someone else's--it makes a world of difference! At least they can't falsely accuse you of things like, "Unc didn't care...Auntie never listened to me...my dad was always busy...my mother didn't give a d*mn!" Put your time in now! This way if they do fall by the wayside, at least you did your part not just one or two times but as much as you could.
Wednesday
Some Parents Too Trusting When it Comes to Letting Others Watch Their Children
Whether it's Uncle Tommy or that friend in the family that everybody loves, I think in the black community, mainly the low-economic areas, parents tend to be too trusting of who they let watch their children.
Now I know "money is funny" so some say, but in some of these low-income areas you get what you pay for, but is it worth exposing children to foolish adults or putting a child's mental or physical health at risk!?
Some people have no business watching children! When you know a cousin just got out of jail, why would anyone entrust his or her child around them? What about a boyfriend or girlfriend who exudes sexuality parading around children with no shirt on or a skirt that you can see her thong? What about those impatient folks who are always yelling and fighting with their partner, lying and cussing, smoking weed and other drugs, or beating on their kids, yet its okay for them to watch children? Please!?
When you warn some of these fools about their actions, they always have an excuse and the minute something happens, "Please pray for me because I'm about to kill..." Why would you keep letting your child go over his or her cousin's house knowing those kids have been exposed to all sorts of things? "Well I needed a break and you don't understand...you going to pay my bills!" Wake up! What would the parent do if his or her caretaker suddenly died? What would the parent do if his or her caretaker said he or she didn't want to watch the kids anymore?
Sometimes excuses just make people look like fools, its better just to keep one's mouth shut!
So I leave you with this, if you know someone who keeps taking a chance leaving their child with someone you know "ain't right" get a list to them as fast as you can of alternative care, share your thoughts, or look the other way -- your choice, but the writing is on the wall when the children start acting distant (rarely laughing/smiling,) acting disrespectful, having sexual experiences with other children and so on. If you know the child is acting negatively and you have children, don't allow that one apple to spoil the whole barrel.
Nicholl McGuire
Now I know "money is funny" so some say, but in some of these low-income areas you get what you pay for, but is it worth exposing children to foolish adults or putting a child's mental or physical health at risk!?
Some people have no business watching children! When you know a cousin just got out of jail, why would anyone entrust his or her child around them? What about a boyfriend or girlfriend who exudes sexuality parading around children with no shirt on or a skirt that you can see her thong? What about those impatient folks who are always yelling and fighting with their partner, lying and cussing, smoking weed and other drugs, or beating on their kids, yet its okay for them to watch children? Please!?
When you warn some of these fools about their actions, they always have an excuse and the minute something happens, "Please pray for me because I'm about to kill..." Why would you keep letting your child go over his or her cousin's house knowing those kids have been exposed to all sorts of things? "Well I needed a break and you don't understand...you going to pay my bills!" Wake up! What would the parent do if his or her caretaker suddenly died? What would the parent do if his or her caretaker said he or she didn't want to watch the kids anymore?
Sometimes excuses just make people look like fools, its better just to keep one's mouth shut!
So I leave you with this, if you know someone who keeps taking a chance leaving their child with someone you know "ain't right" get a list to them as fast as you can of alternative care, share your thoughts, or look the other way -- your choice, but the writing is on the wall when the children start acting distant (rarely laughing/smiling,) acting disrespectful, having sexual experiences with other children and so on. If you know the child is acting negatively and you have children, don't allow that one apple to spoil the whole barrel.
Nicholl McGuire
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