The Attitude - Why So Guarded, Difficult? African American Women

Let me kick this commentary off with, "I am an African American woman with an attitude when provoked."  I have been guarded with people especially folks who didn't look like me at various times in my life and challenging situations.  If you want to say, I have been opinionated every now and again, that is if you personally know me, then yes, depending on what we have discussed.  For some individuals, they like to throw around "difficult" for the strong-willed or strong-minded black woman, and if that's the case, what might have been the circumstances that stirred up an African American woman or man acting difficult?

Guarded because most likely African American women have been hurt by something you or someone who looked like you said.  Difficult because if the challenge is triggering an uncomfortable situation, who is going to behave friendly in it?  Remember an American history of programming that says, "You don't know what you are talking about...You are stupid...You are scary, evil, ignorant..."coupled with images of your modern day relatives and friends disrespected, murdered... and ancestors abused, in poverty, uneducated..."  You never know who or what might come out of someone who may be mentally unstable.  Lots of reasons as to why anyone, not just an African American woman, might not be at ease in your presence.  

I have dealt with and was raised by African American women with attitudes when provoked.  It's no different than a white woman who answers the phone with a short tone in her voice and then hangs up. She sits and pouts while cutting you a look. A white woman who chooses to ignore you with her silent treatment while mouthing off bad words under her breath, yes she has an attitude--a big one!  How about one who gets up and yells or walks away while shouting obscenities because she didn't get her way?  We all have been around her too!

What I know about myself, I am not "always" sassy, spicy, difficult, guarded, defensive...whenever and with whoever on most days.  However, I feel the negative energy or vibe from many of my overworked, underpaid, ill, and stressed black, white, red, yellow, and brown women these days.  I'm empathetic, but what  I'm not is your verbal or physical punching bag just because we might have similar looks or ways about us.  Some women should know better, but they don't--everyone is the enemy in their worlds.  I also noticed the same negative energy from those women, who claim to be blessed, but I can't tell cause their nasty attitudes suffocate what is supposedly righteous about them.  

I get it, Covid 19 has rattled all of us in so many ways on varying degrees, but this doesn't give any woman (or man) a right to repeatedly pop off over simple questions or act meanly because once again you didn't get your way when speaking to someone.  Really?  This "attitude,"  described as angry or mean, creeps up out of nowhere with some folks--what gives?  It's triggered because someone misunderstood you or reaches degrees of madness because for far too long someone has held her grievances inside.  Now she is lashing out, bullying, doing off the wall things to get attention, and telling the whole world how you or "they" hurt her again! 

A fellow brother or sister in Christ (or not) is only going to be long suffering with a woman who has an attitude but for so long!  The truth be told we got some women and men, who inherited their Mamas', Grandmamas' and Aunties' ugly attitudes, that are now very much lonely because they couldn't seem to pipe down.  

The nasty attitude has brought audiences to things like: reality shows, YouTube video views, Facebook pages, and neighborhoods while driving-- you may have observed the head-shaking and finger-pointing of an angry black woman or any woman for that matter.  Quite entertaining to say the least, but not healthy nor functional if you claim to love someone.  Amen?  

This disturbing attitude that some blacks, who haven't been victimized by it, as well as non-blacks, who admire it and think it symbolizes strength, has also broken up friendships, relationships, and business partnerships.  There is nothing cute, nice, or strong about a women with loads of self-esteem issues cussing and fussing loudly for attention while cutting their victims down either in front of them or over-the-phone.

How many African American men and women were cut out of deals, ignored, lied to, or blocked because someone learned early who they were dealing with and wanted nothing to do with these individuals, not because of color of skin, but content of character?  

You will know that spirit when you see it.  The mean attitude provides little or no eye contact.  You hear the attitude in the tone of voice: short, rushed, rude, an annoying high-pitch or low pitch trying hard to be nice, but comes off as fake with critical comments on attack mode...yet she still wants someone to talk to her or help her out regardless of how rude she was.   

In workplaces, we are instructed to hang up on that one with an attitude or shall we say "the difficult customer," to stop serving the one with the attitude, to walk away from her with the loud mouth and the attitude, or call the police on the abusive woman, who not only displays the attitude, but is acting threatening.  Ms. Nasty may have been told by her circle that she is a "Bad B@tch, loved, respected..." for that attitude, but the majority who have had their run-ins with her, don't like her and when she calls or shows up, people often find ways to avoid her.

Now I know I am stepping on someone's toes, 'cause that's what I do with the truth, but I am showing someone her truth and where you are headed as you age.  There are a lot of lonely, broken-hearted African American senior women, who have reasoned in their minds that they are still decent people, despite cutting folks down with their mean-spirited countenance for decades!  I personally had to distance myself from "the attitude," safe-guard my sons from "the attitude," and walk away from decade long friendships because of "the attitude."  

Being around mean people will corrupt your good manners and I simply got tired of having my manners corrupted. When you are trying to live your best life now, you start to push troubled individuals out of your life.  You come to realize that no matter what you say or do, the attitude is there, you can either suffer through it or move on with your loved one or friend.  

One of the major issues is that there are far too many enablers, who think it is okay to act ugly, "She is just trying to get her point across.  That's how we do!  She is a boss!  They should just listen to her and not get her upset.  That's how our people are just live with it.  So what, she got an attitude, you act like you don't!"  

No matter what you come up with to defend that one, who is often mean for any number of things, she is in the wrong and she needs to get help!  Whether that help comes in the form of a pill or seated before someone, no one should be mad about so many things for so long--no one!  

Ms. Attitude wakes up cussing, she goes to bed fussing.  She is blaming everyone for everything that is wrong in her life.  She is looking for emotional comfort from everyone and everything: men, money, addiction, travel, purchases, babies, marriage, religion, or whatever is her vice of the day.  Yet, she still can't find peace!  

Ms. Attitude pretends like she is okay, but spend enough time with her and someone else shows up, her evil twin.  This hurting woman needs to learn how to cope in a difficult world without being labeled difficult, but she has scared so many people with her mouth and possibly her hands into submission.

Stand up to her, you might save her life or someone else's.

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 21:9

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and contributor.  Also, she is the author of She's Crazy (a book about all women who exhibit signs of craziness and the battered men who love them).

Why Are We So Mad?

From a partner to a politician, we can get angry so fast and so often about a little bit of nothing!  No wonder some accuse us of having an attitude and acting mad.  I was sitting back just people watching out my window.  The folks that were doing the most smiling were children.  Bouncing balls up and down the street, talking to one another, even dancing the children were having a good time.  But the adults?  They were just “minding their own business” toss up a hand for acknowledgment and keep walking.  Now I haven’t just watched black folks in my own neighborhood here in Georgia, but I have been around the United States at rest stops, workplaces, restaurants, airports, etc. and there is just a look that many black folks carry that says, “I’m not happy.”  

 I’m sure other cultures have the same look, but I’m not talking about them today.  Not that long ago, I could see the expression on the first lady’s face when President Obama announced he was running for another four years.  Look at the video and see the children’s faces too.  When we are irritated about something or don’t feel 100% confident, it shows on our faces.

So in the words of my grandmother and mother, “Fix your face!”

While you're here leave a comment about what lately has made you mad.

 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and other books, visit Amazon.com today and show your support!

African American Entrepreneurs Why Some of Us Won't Do Business With Us

Over the past 15 years I have given both my money and service on and off to both african american men and women entrepreneurs and the results are in...I understand why a black woman I once knew said, "I'm sorry but I don't do business with our people." When she told me this, I had to catch myself from acting ghetto, "What?! You are a black person you know the struggle. Why would you even put your mouth to say that! Its because of people like you...do you know you wouldn't even be walking down the street with a white man if it wasn't for black people demanding equality! That's what's wrong with our people we don't support one another!" That was then, but this is now, I understand my sister why you said what you did.

Disappointment after disappointment, some NOT All of our people just don't have it together. I wanted to believe in these black entrepreneurs I dealt with in the past, honestly that's why I went to them in the first place. But there is always some fine print somewhere when dealing with some of these black entrepreneurs that lasks professionalism. Here's one example, "I can't pay any of my employees until next month." It was bad enough we were already getting paid once a month. Another black entrepreneur I worked for, "You m*therf*ckers better get it together or I am going to get rid of all of you," this was said to two men who the boss made his friends rather than his co-workers and he wondered why they slacked off. A childhood friend connection, "I'm sorry I forgot to send you what you asked for oh by the way don't do this...oh and don't do that..." If I would have known all the don't dos and the absentmindness before I spent far too much money, I would have never bought the product from this person in the first place! But when I dealt with the white business people they spelled everything out in advance and their prices were actually more affordable. A person who I didn't personally know makes an announcement one day on a social networking site, "I am planning a reunion event and I need everyone to send money," Uh, who are you? Do I know you? Who, what, when, where, why...that's what I was thinking when I dealt with this organizer. Then when I asked her questions she jumped out of her professional suit and became the angry black woman, "I am going to do this event and you are just jealous and blah, blah, blah!" Jealousy has nothing to do with asking you who you are, where is my money going and do I get a receipt! Here's one more situation involving an old mentor of mine, "I have been waiting for hours for you, when are you going to get my project done...I can't look bad, I am a professional." The sad part to this example I was the guilty one some years ago because I learned from the best laid back, "I don't care, take all day to do anything" type of black folks. Luckily, I matured and got mentors who dare I say it wasn't black and learned under them for a number of years only to come back to our people to get what I described previously. Needless to say, if I detect my brother or sister doesn't have their "stuff" together, I am taking my business elsewhere.

Black People Are So Sensitive! Why We Should Hold Us Accountable

Over the years I have heard white people describe blacks as being sensitive. I have been approached by whites asking me why are blacks so sensitive as if I am the ambassador for why some black women cop attitudes, and black men threaten to kill someone for calling them a n*gger! I can't speak for all blacks, nor do I want to but I will say in my experience having to deal with some of my fellow sisters and brothas personally and professionally there is an "attitude."

Now I am not saying that white people don't have their share of attitudes, because I have had to deal with that too, but this site is about African American issues so I will stick with what I know that I know. You see at times, blacks don't know how to have an attitude with a grin. They don't know how to type a professional letter loaded with sugar asking for what they want. Some are all too ready to jump in someone's face or type a quick insulting email; rather than take care of business. Meanwhile, they still hope to get the results they are seeking, even after they are exposed for their ignorance, written up on their job, or some other negative problem befalls them. Why would anyone want to do business with foolishness? When things don't go their way, they resort to "the blame everyone else" mentality. "It's just the devil getting in the way of my plans...I know it's because of the color of my skin...She's jealous...He never did like me," even if there was some truth to that argument, who is really to blame? In other words, could it have been your attitude, the lack of detail in your response, the fact that you are not on their level mentally, or something else? Here's another popular quote I hear when people use "the blame everyone else" mentality, "I wouldn't be acting like this...if it wasn't for him/her." Really?! You sure about that, I can almost bet a person with this kind of mentality lives in a house where people say, "You always want to be right, don't you? Why am I always to blame? Why don't you apologize sometimes for what you do wrong?"

What is it about asking blacks in leadership questions or holding blacks accountable in business that some have to resort to an "attitude?" For example, I wanted to know where my money was going if I donated to a certain event after receiving an email asking me for money, what would be expected of me since they needed volunteers, who would be handling my money, etc. The response I received was shocking, I guess it was because I chose to share public information which included the responders very public attitude (I guess she didn't think I would expose her like I did.) Well of course, she would accuse me of being negative, jealous, attack her, etc. I guess in her haste to ask people for money, she forgot that some people would question her and this "we" group she often referred to.

Some blacks choose to tell the end of the story when they are selling you on their ideas, rather than sharing the details of the business plan that is going to get you there. Let me provide you with a few examples. I remember one day I was walking toward a grocery store and an African American man started running his mouth about collecting money for a charity and how great it was for the children. He never said the name of the charity and never bothered to hand me information about it. All he had in his hands was some candy and some droplets of spit coming from a fast moving tongue. So I am supposed to be gullible enough to hand him some of my hard-earned money toward something I know nothing about. Here's another example. For years I have heard brothers tell me they were working in the studio and they would be "dropping an album," well it sounds good what they are telling me. Sometimes the album makes it to the store, but most often it doesn't. Along the way, someone has forgotten about the marketing plan. Yet, I am expected to give money just because. Listen, whether it is $5 or $30,000, like the rapper 50cent told his contestants on his past reality show, "I need to know what you are going to do with my money!" It's funny some blacks won't hesitate to give the white man a neatly, organized, business plan and a well-thought out answer when asked, but us, we get vague details, unanswered questions, disrespect, but you want someone's time, talents, money, etc. As my mother says, "N*gga please!"

So now you have called this unprofessional, disorganized African American out on their bs (while your friends say, "well the brotha or sista is trying," but your friends aren't investing too much of anything while their talking though.) So what do unprofessional, disorganized, highly sensitive black people do? They resort to the race card, name-call, make false accusations like calling other blacks sell outs (I wonder how many blacks accused President Barack Obama of that before he came to office), jealous, or some other put down. They rally up some supporters who agree with them, at least to their face, that you are a troublemaker, negative, etc. Then there is always one or two ignorant blacks or those with a special interest in mind (usually having something to do with money), come into the dispute as false peacemakers. "Why can't everyone get along!" Oblivious to the negative spin attempted to quiet you for sounding the alarm or making them work, the ignorant black will say, "Yeah why are you being petty? Why you troublemaking?" I can't help but think is that how our ancestors were treated when they opened their mouths and questioned authority? I could hear the cowardly negroes say, "Now just be quiet. We eating real good. Don't make masta' beat us! With all your trouble-making...Shhh!" Go along just to get along!

I was encouraged to write about this topic after seeing enough examples around me of blacks wanting to do business without a license, collect donations for causes without details, name drop without wisdom, market their social networking pages without a plan (like requesting friendship without introducing themselves,) and so on. Why should anyone offer a service, money, time, eyes, contacts, friendship or anything else when the writing is on the wall, "Be discerning when allowing this person into your life." So I call people out, more specifically the African American populace, I admit it, because I am in the process of selecting who I want to take with me on my ride of life. My days are numbered just like yours.

Like President Barack Obama stated in past speeches, "Change begins with you." Obama didn't get to where he is in life simply by going along to get along especially when people are doing things that they may have never been questioned about before (ie. wasteful spending.) I'm not interested in favor with everyone. If the truth is going to hurt someone while provoking change well I'm all for it. I come from a long line of strict teachers and I can't help but treat others like I have been treated and hold people accountable. I thank God for the School of Hard Knox!

Some of these disgruntled, stressed out black folks need to avoid getting a job in customer service, seriously! I'm tired of seeing the frown and the crinkle in someone's forehead while they are looking a customer up and down behind their back. I know you saw or met these people I'm describing somewhere and they act as if they are the nicest people to your face until there is a problem then their whole facial expression changes, the body language becomes defensive, "What ya asking me for? That's not how we do it. Save your questions for after the meeting!" The movies aren't that far off from the truth. We see the same character played over and over again. He or she is usually working behind a fast food counter or talking over the phone, cussing, fussing, gossiping, name-calling, you name it, all because of one thing, he or she can't handle the truth!

So the next time you have to deal with a stubborn, neck-rolling, eye-popping, finger snapping, bossy, highly sensitive woman or man (or shall I say girl or boy), make them accountable. Loose lips, do sink ships! Sometimes our people just want the title in front of their name, but forget what they will have to endure to earn the title.

Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://nichollmcguire.blogspot.com