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Beware Pride for Being Black Comes Out More When Dating Non-Black

Some people just don't anticipate what might occur when dating outside of their ethnicity.  They assume that everyone is the same and overlook the potential challenges.  They convince themselves that racial issues will never be an issue--that is until one reminds some of these naïve folks of who they are.

As much as we all would love to live in a world as one big happy family, it ain't happening!  There will always be some situation, system, or snide remark that will anger a black man or woman to the point that they can't see their non-black lover in the next room while they are running off the mouth.  Just a friendly reminder, your non-black partner can't relate!

I recall a time when I had experienced a prejudice moment with someone and I was fuming.  I went home to my white boyfriend at the time tripping out.  He didn't know what to say.  He looked confused.  He sat there.  He reminded me he was white.  I think I got a wake up call that very moment.  Why was I acting so emotional about being black and why was I trying to make a non-black person understand what was going on within?  I had a reality check.  I had been lost in a sea of not wanting to be anything but a person that I forgot about racial bias, ignorance, disharmony, etc.  I had taken a sabbatical into a land where people who date outside of their ethnicity go when they don't want to deal with something that they have been repeatedly reminded about, "You are black."

Being black isn't just a skin tone, but a lifestyle.  It is a complicated culture that redefines itself when we get mixed up in everyone else's worlds.  Then when we start to lose our ground, we want to come back home.  I've been home for over 20 plus years and I haven't left.  But I recall the need to want to draw on all things black while being in love with someone non-black.  I remember wanting to read all things black.  I didn't forget times when I loved being around like-minded black folks far more than I did with others.  There is indeed something unique within when you just know that there is a black void developing as you connect deeper and deeper with someone who just might be leading you away from what you always knew to be black.

Nicholl McGuire

Interracial Couple Arguing: Would You Intervene?

Are White Men Attracted to Black Women? Yes and No

The truth is, if you are a black woman, not all white men will be attracted to you. Not all black men will be attracted to you either. That's just common sense.

Many people believe that white men don't find black women attractive. Actually, that statement is just a bullet point under the wider belief that no men other than black men are attracted to black women. The fact of the matter is, white men are attracted to black women. This understanding follows from one fundamental truth: Men are attracted to beautiful women.

If you hear someone say that white men aren't attracted to black women, that can only be taken as an insult since it implies that there aren't any beautiful black women. Of course, that's not the least bit true. Black men are much more likely to make the statement that men of other races won't find a black woman beautiful out of a sense of entitlement (even if they have no intentions of being with a black woman themselves) or to protect their egos.

More white men than you think are attracted to black women. White guys are attracted to black girls of all shapes, heights, and shades. They don't all want a black woman who is very light skinned with "white" features and long, straight hair. Don't confuse what society's ideal of beauty is with what an individual man's type is. Think about it. Your ideal of an attractive man probably resembles a hairless male model, but that ideal is not necessarily the man you are attracted to in day-to-day life nor is he the type you will fall in love with. The same goes for men of any race. Their idea of ideal beauty may be an actress but that doesn't determine who they fall in love with. It doesn't mean they cannot possibly find you beautiful.

What's so wonderful about the world is that we are all individuals. We are all unique in our preferences, from our tastes in food to our tastes in mates. Every man's ideas about what is sexy, irresistible, and beautiful are different. If you come across a man with a static, unchangeable idea of exactly what his mate's physical features will be, including skin tone, then you have come across a shallow, closed-minded man.

Sure, everyone has preferences and you can't change who you're attracted to, but you can't fall in love with a face or six pack abs, or with the lightness of someone's skin and texture of someone's hair. Looks fade. You ultimately fall in love with who a person is on the inside.

So if a person tells you they are not attracted to anyone at all that is outside of their race you know they are lying. You should hope they are lying, at least. Otherwise that person has a deep hatred for other people or is in deep denial of their own feelings.

All straight men love women. Don't believe that white men, Asian men, Latino men, Middle Eastern men, European men, etc. are somehow unable to be attracted to a black woman. If she is beautiful inside and out then she is beautiful to a wide range of men. Remember, outer beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

If you know of white men who are "not attracted to black women", and haven't seen too many white men dating or approaching black women, don't make a sweeping judgment about all white men. You don't like it when a sweeping judgment, better known as a stereotype, is applied to you, do you? Despite popular belief, it does not benefit you to hate, stereotype or dismiss white men. So don't do it.

Black women should never feel like they are undesirable to all men of other races. If you are open and approachable, you will naturally attract all kinds of men.

Renee LaRuse is a journalism student in Florida working towards a career as a fiction writer and an entrepreneur.

Go to this author's Interracial Ebook website ReneeRomance.com today.

Why Black Men Marry White Women

"Quincy Jones couldn't find just one black woman good enough to marry and bear his children," I wondered out loud while flipping through the pages of his autobiography. He said, "I do" to three white women to formalize a legitimate, committed relationship in the eyes of society. He implied to these women, "You are not just some woman whom I share a bed with when it's convenient. You're a co-partner of my dreams and all that I aim to be." What is missing in the black woman that prevents Quincy Jones from inviting her into his sacred space of matrimony? "What's wrong with us?" I tearfully asked myself.

Maybe Quincy Jones needed somebody to see him as he saw him self, long before there was tangible proof that he would be the revered musician he is today. He was raised in a society that saw him as a black man with boundaries and limitations. I think the average black woman would have been worried about the rent and the baby needing shoes. His role as provider would have taken precedence over some dream to play musical instruments in smoky, dark rooms late at night with beautiful free women; most of us, black women, would have wanted him to get a "real job."

When the wounded souls and broken spirits of black males and females come together, sometimes the union is filled with the heavy baggage of oppression and disappointment; leaving either party with little to give to the other. Because of the emotional, financial and social pressures of today, some blacks are not able or psychologically prepared to give each other the soul food that is needed to nourish our dreams of tomorrow.

I think it's less painful for us as black women to believe that black men desire white women because her hair blows in the wind and her eyes are sparkling blue. We want to believe this because we don't have to look within our own souls for answers that may be painful. We would then have to question our role as "superwoman" and self-righteous, martyrs. We don't want to believe that maybe it's not the stereotypes that we hear about white women being docile and sexually uninhibited. We chant to ourselves how we pay the bills, wash his clothes and cook his dinner, but when he steps out of line we are there with a tongue-lashing to make sure that he recognizes and appreciates our hard work.

As a black women, I wonder if sometimes we are too bitter when sweetness is in order; too stern when being laid-back would suffice and too hard when softness could do it so much better. Maybe it is impossible for us to give our men, what we are seeking to obtain for ourselves. Maybe it's difficult to trust with shattered faith, love unconditionally with a bruised heart and support someone else's dream with a broken spirit. Because the typical American white woman's past did not contain the same type of pain as the American black woman, her vision of the black man is not blurred with criticisms and expectations.

I don't believe that black men date white women because they are American symbols of beauty and feminism. I believe that in Quincy Jones' case he married, not white women, but women who could look within his heart and validate his highest image of himself. Maybe she was able to remind him that despite racial barriers in American society, her love is living proof that his soul is free to be whom and whatever he wants to be.

Cassandra George Sturges Psy.D is a mother of two teenagers, a full-time psychology instructor, advice columnists for Today's Black Woman Magazine, workshop presenter, and publisher of Authentik Beauty Magazine.

Poem: My Black Ken

Alone you sit on the shelf,
the only one of your likeness
among many tan shades, blue eyes,
blond tresses, and smiling faces.

Your sistas stare at you
from across the room between
blonde strands of hair blowing
in your face.

They hope you take notice,
but you continue to look ahead
while wearing a plastic grin
and a plastic fro.

I've caught you every now and then
glancing at the tan Barbie Babes
and I moved you to a different spot.

Your sistas told me to make some room
for you near them, and I did.
But you kept falling over!

I would bend your legs,
support your back,
yet you would still fall!

So I moved you back among the Barbie Babes
and their you rested on their shoulders.

Nicholl McGuire
http://lovepoemsbynicholl.blogspot.com
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