Controlling Mothers Dictate Past, Present & Future - Make a Change, Be Different

"An adult son or daughter has had to deal with the sting of Mama’s words, hands or both. He or she might not have anticipated what was coming and did not feel like that sweet, polite, shady lady could be so bold, devious, and rude. But you know her or have crossed this woman’s destructive path, and to those who lost their moms due to death, you knew her when. You saw how she operated at times. For some of you, because you saw through her act or witnessed her many faces with different people, she did not always like you, because you knew too much! If you commented about the truth, she told you to “Shut up! You don’t know what you are talking about. That isn’t what I said or did. You don’t know anything! Go play!” Keep testing her and she was going to verbally and/or physically beat the messenger down.

So it isn’t any wonder you have many issues with your self-righteous, vulgar, mentally unstable, or controlling mother, grandmother, step-mother, mother-in-law, or guardian. Even if this individual is gone out of your life it will be as if she is still there, because for many sons and daughters they can’t shake their mothers’ voices out of their heads, the memories, and the hurts of yesteryear. You see her in the mirror looking back at you. You hear her voice through others sometimes. You might even think that God dropped the ball, what was he thinking by choosing that woman to be your mother?

Don’t deny your present or past stinking thinking concerning any woman you deem like a mom to you and others. It’s okay to be honest with yourself and your Creator. Mom didn’t always get it right and you are not wrong because of her issues either! Let me repeat that like this, you are not a failure, evil, weak, ugly, or crazy because she had her share of emotional, spiritual or physical challenges!

Some of you readers are mad as hell at a woman or two in your lives and have grown weary of Mother! For others, who have prayed and put your issues about your relatives in God’s hands, you might not be as angry with them like you once were, but you keep taking what you put in the Master’s hands back out again. Then there are those sons and daughters that will nicely say, “Sure, I’m disappointed with some things about my mother or guardian, but it’s all good, right?” Maybe, but that is only if the person’s dysfunctional ways aren’t being passed down to your children and grandchildren through the way you speak and what you do. If one was to interview your loved ones, what might they say about you? Are you just like your mother and are you proud of behaving like her? Are you sincerely over the pain, envy, bitterness, and other negative emotions that your own mother put upon you in the womb, after your birth, and years after?"

This book excerpt is taken from Tell Me Mother You're Sorry written by this blog owner, Nicholl McGuire, available now at Barnes & Noble.   Also as an ebook download on other websites.

No Badge of Honor for the Callous Mother

She expects to be honored, but she doesn't respect others.  She assumes she will receive gifts from loved ones, yet she has stopped buying for others.  She believes herself to be a "good" woman even when she is bad.  Some mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers and others are disillusioned, ill-equipped, and downright crazy to believe that children (young or old) want anything to do with them when they have done their share of dirt to create distance.

We can pray until we are blue in the face concerning some of these mothers who may have once had wonderful relationships with children, but no more.  We can judge, condemn or ridicule children all we want, but we weren't there when a mother used, abused, and did unspeakable acts to her offspring.

As much as we would all like to believe that every mother is deserving of some badge of achievement, our Father in heaven says, "Not so."  Holidays like mother's day and others get so many Christians into trouble because they look through the lens of their personal realities rather than being compassionate and understanding of others' plights.

Some children may not have had a difficult childhood with mother but over time things changed in their relationship with their mother especially once they had children of their own.  There are those sons and daughters who are actually better people because they broke dysfunctional programming from mothers and chose to do more with their lives.  Others may have been abused mentally, physically and spiritually by mothers and so they may try very hard to make up for lost times by pleasing moms or punish them depending on how traumatic the abuse.

In the black community, most mothers are generally esteemed.  However, what tends to happen is that many individuals who are close with their mothers will attempt to encourage those who are not to reconnect or stay connected with their mothers even when it is better that people separate. 

Without educating one's self on the sensitive issues involving families, the personal challenges and more that comes with staying in contact with toxic people, the well-meaning individual could actually aid in the problems between mother and children.

Not every mother is sane, functional, and healthy emotionally or physically to take on children and grandchildren and not every mother wants a relationship with all either. 

Nicholl McGuire author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, When Mothers Cry and other books.

When Mothers Cry a book excerpt by Author Nicholl McGuire

Tis the Season - Not Every Mother is Nice, Sweet

You have only one mother.  You best honor her.  She is all you got.  I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my mother.  You heard it all, but you are not like the rest of them.  You know that Mother's Day means only one thing to you, "It's just another day."  In the African American community as well as others around the world it is expected to honor one's mother.  This can be done without a man-made holiday.  It simply means to respect your mother, but it doesn't mean you need to put up with those manipulative tactics that some do.  The following is a book excerpt from Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire.

"Reflecting back on childhood memories can be quite painful. No one really understands just how much it hurts to see a mother you love go to great measures to try to be everything to everyone, good, bad or otherwise. Sometimes she goes above and beyond for others, but for her children not so much. Of course, troubled mothers have their reasons for treating their children wrongly sometimes, “My kids are unappreciative…They don’t come around…They don’t like me” while never bothering to check her self as to why that is. There are no perfect people and some mothers and children fail to truly realize this about one another. From cooking to advising others, demanding mom may be a kind-hearted and seemingly sweet soul sometimes, but then there are those moments—the ones that leave children ashamed, spouses angry, and others secretly wishing never to be in her presence again.

Before judging those who feel this way, know that individuals, who have been repeatedly driven mad when it comes to their mothers’ issues, have their reasons why they choose to safeguard their hearts. It doesn’t make their emotions right or wrong, they just are. Until there is healing within and around them, it will be a difficult and long journey to love one’s toxic mother or mother figure now or ever. If a troubled Mom wasn’t pretending to like this person and that one, she had those she genuinely favored and oftentimes it wasn’t her own child. There was something odd, mysterious even scary about a Mom like that. Sitting back with a smirk on her face, she seemed to have taken great pleasure in someone else’s suffering, she may have said something like, “You reap what you sow. You should’ve listened to me…serves you right. Always listen to your mother. Mother knows best. God don’t like ugly. Don’t come crying to me!” Disappoint her enough times and she just might start bragging about others to you or comparing what they have to what you don’t have.

For some readers who are African Americans, you might have experienced “the attitude” or the “I know you didn’t” kind of stare from Mama. She warned you about acting like Ms. Nice Nasty a time or two and how “You are not too old to get your a** beat!” Ms. Nice Nasty was just another personality of a sassy mother who projected her woes onto her children. These women could be nice one minute and nasty the other. She accused others of her own bad behavior and then punished daughters and sons for it; rather than straightening her personal issues with self out, she felt she had to check others. It was Ms. Nasty’s attitude that some of you worked hard to avoid. If she asked or demanded you do something, you did it or else experience the consequences. Like a child, some of you are still fearful of Mama’s dark side coming out. It was her evil twin. Some of you may have called her, “The devil, a witch, evil, crazy…” Buy  your copy of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire

Back off Moms:Overly Controlling Mothers

Tis the Season for Mama's Foolishness

When I started writing Tell Me Mother You're Sorry was a few months after completing a memoir about my grandmother in 2015.  The information that I received from her over the years, dating as far back as childhood prior to attending school, was the inspiration for this self-help guide. 

I still love my deceased and well-respected grandmother and miss her dearly, but she was a master at persuading people to get her needs met and not always fairly or nicely--she was almost too good at times in getting things done her way when she was younger especially during holidays. 

At times, this woman would quite boldly tell me what her intentions were with some family members and I laughed and didn't think much about what she was doing.  As far as I was concerned if game couldn't peep game, you got what you deserved!  I for one was a victim for a long time, but woke up!  The woman, who was also a serious prayer warrior, exposed some regrets and cautioned me about people playing me toward the end of her life and why I shouldn't behave in certain ways with my own children.

Tell Me Mother You're Sorry is a powerful self-help guide written not to bash mothers (I am one), but created to teach what should have been taught by wise women in many families, How Not to Manipulate Your Children.  There is a lot of mind-controlled adult sons and daughters that can break programming based on the content in my book.  However, it is such a pity that many children and grandchildren are too blind to see when game is being run on them from the "I won't always be here" guilt-trip to using others to punish you for not doing for Mama. 

Open up this blueprint that exposes mother manipulation not just in some black families but in communities around the world!  Get Tell Me Mother You're Sorry today and be one step ahead of the game!  Just when you think you know those controlling, needy, or crazy women in your life, you get sucked in again and again! 

The holidays are always a perfect time for deceptive Mamas, Mothers, Mommies and anyone else with a mother or grandmother role to play mind games such as:  the guilt trips about visiting their homes, buying gifts for them, using purchases or lack thereof to show favor between siblings, bad-mouthing relatives and in-laws, and most of all exercising power and control tactics to keep children under thumb. 

Some of you reading this are probably already deceived and partners are looking at you like, "You fell for your mother's tricks again!"

Far too many families have been divided behind many toxic mothers, step-mothers, and mother-in-laws who were taught by their tricky grandmothers, aunts and other manipulators with huge attitudes, egos and possibly wallets too!

Wake up Black Family--wake up!  And if you married into a black family, you really need a wake up call!  This book might save you much time, energy and money in the future.  Remember, game knows game and if you are running it, a clever Queen with an ugly heart will reverse the script-- getting everyone around them to sooner or later break the victim down mentally, physically or possibly spiritually. 

SPECIAL NOTE:  Don't buy this book for the manipulative mother, she doesn't need any more ideas--lol!

Nicholl McGuire's book may be downloaded with free samples here or purchased in print here. 

Mother Manipulation: Dad's Girlfriend, Ex Wife, and Play Mother

No Love for the Children? When Some Black Mothers Go Off

You have heard the stories of mothers killing their own children.  It seems in each story, no one noticed any signs or discovered anything a bit strange leading up to the incidents.  But I personally believe that some family members and friends knew these mothers were unstable before the murders took place.

Having been around mothers and grandmothers who had the following issues: tough childbirths, challenging menstrual cycles and menopause, many children living in the home, a history of parenting siblings at young ages, and a negative attitude when it came to being around children, I could see why some new mothers and veteran ones got away with hurting children.  These emotionally beaten mothers were too tired, impatient, broke, busted, disgusted, and more to care too much about what was going on with other mothers in the community.  Some responded when told about a depressed daughter, post-partum relative, menopausal mother, etc., "That's her business...I got enough problems of my own.  She wanted them d*mn kids, what did she expect?  I ain't got no time to be watching someone else's kids!"  One told me when I mentioned a past story about a mother murdering her kids, "That's so sad, some of these women need to close their legs...it don't make sense!"  The keep-it-real type will not empathize about a troubled mother's state of mind.  Some critics will not look at the fact that some relatives and friends have mental issues and may not know that they have them.  How is Crazy supposed to take care of Crazy?

Sometimes the writing on the wall doesn't show up with some mothers and their children until years later.  It isn't until something bad happens that folks will say things like, "I thought she was a little crazy.  I wondered where the father was and why she had to do so much by herself...There was something not quite right with that one..."  Well if one suspected all of this, then why didn't he or she bother to reach out and help?  Why didn't the know-it-all witness make some phone calls and send some assistance to that address?

Not every child will keep their mouths closed about a mother's gradual mental and/or physical breakdown.  Some will share details about what they see, hear, and feel concerning their mothers, but are relatives and friends really listening?  Do they even care about what is happening or more concerned about how someone else's issues might inconvenience them?  Some loved ones might confront the mother, yet the meeting turns from good to bad in an instant, because quite frankly there are those black folks that just don't know how to be loving and kind toward one another.  They are quick-tempered, rude and insensitive.  Therefore, much attention is placed on whether the atmosphere is clean, organized and children fed, meanwhile no one sees the crazed look in a mother's eye that can't take another day in a miserable relationship, parenting unruly children, and counting money that isn't there in an attempt to pay bills.

So how do you know when a mother is ready to go off and do something crazy?  You have to be observant and listen to what she is saying about herself, children, partner, job, etc.  If some are too busy running their mouths about what a mother should and shouldn't do, you will overlook the signs.

1.  Did she use to keep the house clean but no longer does it?
2.  Did she threaten to hurt herself, children or partner?
3.  Does she own a gun or a weapon that she periodically talks about using but then covers up what she has said with statements like, "I'm just joking...You know I wouldn't hurt those kids or their daddy..."
4.  Does she frequently leave young children home while she goes out to party, hang out over a friend's house, do drugs, shop, etc.?
5.  Do you often get the feeling that something bad might happen?
6.  Does she have bruises, scratches, bites, and other markings on her body?
7.  Does she cry, complain, or curse often about her partner and/or children?
8.  Do you find yourself having to keep secrets about bad things she has done to the children?
9.  Is there someone in the home (other than the mother) that has a known track record of being verbally and physically abusive to the family?  Has she said anything about paying this person back for all he/she has done?
10.  Have you noticed how she handles her children or looks at them?  Does it creep you out or make you feel uneasy?

Notice patterns in one's behavior before jumping to conclusions.  Do your homework when it comes to personality disorders, known health issues, and other things that might run in the family.  Never assume that children are safe when they are often crying, complaining about pain, clinging on to someone who is not the parent, and refusing to go home especially after they have gotten in trouble about something.  Chances are there will be severe punishment awaiting them at home.

Take the time out to pay attention to those around you, pray for them and offer your service when you can.  Sometimes the issue might be as small as helping a mother with a bill or as big as needing to be separated from children for awhile.  But whatever the case, don't ignore the signs!  Save not only a child's life, but mothers too!
 
Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry, see blog here.  Check out audio/video messages on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Ron G - Christian Mom (Stand Up Comedy)

When Mothers Cry: A Lesson on Being Positive by Nicholl McGuire - YouTube

When Mothers Cry: A Lesson on Being Positive by Nicholl McGuire - YouTube

"The Joys and heartbreak of Motherhood"

"The Joys and heartbreak of Motherhood"

Something for the Mothers...

Some of you may already know that this blog as well as many others on Blogger are maintained by Nicholl McGuire Media named after an African American writer, author and poet originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, now in Los Angeles. You can learn more about her at: nichollmcguire.blogspot.com The mother of four sons offers opportunities for writers to periodically contribute to this blog as well as others including: http://whenmotherscry.blogspot.com The blog was turned into a book that you may find on Amazon.com. The book and blog was created based on McGuire's experiences attempting to raise a newborn, a toddler and tweens all at the same time while dealing with internal struggles with motherhood and external influences that weren't always positive. Other mothers' from all nationalities have contributed to this blog over the years.

Recently, a blog caught the eye of Nicholl and she wanted it to be known to readers on this site (specifically the mothers) about Mahogany Momma's Black Parenting Blog. Insightful information, at times humorous, with some parenting experiences an African American mother can nod her head in agreement. This blog may be found at: http://blackparenting.blogspot.com/ Definitely worth checking out!

Special note: There is no compensation or free gifts received for mentioning this blog.

Is African American Mothers to Blame for Out of Control Men?

She did the best she could to raise her son without his father. You see, his dad and most of the young boys in the community, grew up without a father. When you spend some time interviewing mothers like her, she will tell you that her child's father was no good! He would cheat on her, sell drugs, drink too much, run with his friends, etc. You may feel for our sister and tell her how great she was for raising this child, but there is something you may not have thought about...why would she select a man like that anyway? Oh she may tell you, "He wasn't like that when we first started dating." He may not have been as bad, but certainly there were some signs to suggest she would eventually have a real problem on her hand. Now if she chose to ignore the signs, she not only put herself at risk to be hurt emotionally and/or physically, but her child was put at risk before he even got here!

So now this innocent child who came from a seed who didn't want him, or wanted him but chose not to raise him, is suceptible to all sorts of problems as a man and when he gets in trouble no one wants to take responsibility (noticed I didn't say "take the blame.") The truth of the matter is once the damage is done, the blame game does nothing more than name a person, it doesn't put his mother in prison, it doesn't make her pay monetarily, and it doesn't heal anyone. So can you blame her? Some will say, "Blame the daddy, he wasn't there!" His absence may have impacted or increased the chances for his child to do wrong, but when it all comes down to it, the child/man is responsible!

It's so easy to blame the mother for her out of control son, the woman for the mate she chose, the girl for being abused and misused, the ignorant for not getting a good education, the family for everything that is wrong with America! But when will society wake up and realize that pointing the finger is not going to make an out of control boy or man, become better! Tearing down a family, a career, and a life is not going to help matters!

Lazy, critical, racist, and foolish people will say that "if it wasn't for...they all are alike...that's why we can't get...that's why they won't..." and other statements like these, because they aren't intelligent enough to come up with a solution. So what is the answer when a young man becomes out of control? Where does he get help? What do we look for in childhood, to not only determine which category he should be placed in, but what should he and us be doing to help him while he is still young, and where do we get the money to pay for the top of the line care? See, there are plenty of resources, but money ultimately determines who gets the best care. So if you don't have the income, nor can you travel to the best resources, you are stuck with whatever the free program around the corner can give you!

You see, there is a lot of talk in the African American community about the almighty butt whippin', but what isn't being said is "what do I do when the butt whippin is ineffective?" It may have worked for you, but there is a new generation of children that isn't even a little bit fazed by the mighty butt whippin'. Some children are retarded, hyperactive, disabled, and other similar things, how does a butt whippin' get through to a child who goes from one mood swing to the next? It may work temporarily on him or it may never work! Now you have a bitter, angry, and resentful young man who can't wait to hold a gun in his hands! It's unfortunate, but many parents from the ghetto in New Orleans to the mansion in Beverly Hills, don't know how to balance punishment with love! Lots of hitting and sassy talking, but not enough hand holding and walking!

So I close with this, it's time that society get it right! Put a halt on passing judgment on these young boys and men who entertain us, work for us, help us, and love us! It isn't just about his momma, wife, or girlfriend, when he gets in trouble! It's about the choices he chose to make (good, bad or otherwise) and when he makes the wrong choice, which one of us will step up to the plate, not talk about him, give a brotha a hand, not slap him!


Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://nichollmcguire.blogspot.com