Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Wednesday
Thursday
Wednesday
He Doesn't Have to Hit You to Be Abusive
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: He Doesn't Have to Hit You to Be Abusive: When most people think of abuse in a marriage, they naturally figure that the man is beating the woman (in some cases, the woman actuall...
Sunday
Friday
Feeling Abused, Used for Skin Tone, Wealth
A child is told by his parents that he is not to date a certain type of woman, live in a certain type of community, and act in a certain type of way...get the picture? But years later, he is faced with a dilemma, "Should I date this woman...Can I trust this man...Do I really want to do business with that particular group?" Now you plug in whatever ethnicity, religion, age, creed, sexual type, etc. in the blank and what might you get? A man (or woman) with a limited view when it comes to dealing with people. "They are okay, but those others...well, I recall my parents telling me..." The child turned grown up has allowed his programming to dominate his lifestyle. He prejudges people, assumes the worst, causes chaos (even when there is no necessary reason), and he does these things because, "Mama said...Daddy was right...I knew I wouldn't like that type..."
If he should meet a spoiled one in the group, he deems the whole group as "No good, you can't trust them. I would never date their daughters..." It's unfortunate but some naysayers will abuse the ones they don't like much until they can be with the one or group that they like more. They seek out "a type" or special preference above others just so that they can obtain and keep favor, wealth, and more with the favored individual or group. These selfish manipulators know that lying, covering up, cheating, and doing negative things to the unsuspecting is wrong, but what do they care? Their greatest concern is getting their needs met. For example, if a white man (who doesn't particularly care for black, brown or any other ethnicity but his own) finds that an award-winning, financially successful black individual is going to benefit him, then he would work hard to achieve one's trust. Once the closet racist has a satisfactory relationship with the individual, he can then do the kind of things to the person that look abusive to outsiders, but to the black, wealthy man, he doesn't feel that anything is wrong with how he thinks or what he does to self and others all in the name of the dollar bill. The poor man has a limited view on what abuse looks like. Therefore, if it doesn't look like his painful past, then it isn't so bad.
Think of the many broken, black men and women who run into the arms of everyone who doesn't even come close to looking like anyone in their own family. To be fair, let's assume that the idea of being with someone who looks like one's relatives make these run-away blacks feel uncomfortable. But what if these same blacks grew up with the kind of programming from parents or guardians that preached something like, "Our people ain't sh*t and will never be sh*t! Go find you someone, anyone, but one of our people!" Then it would be fair to assume that there is more going on in these run-away blacks minds besides just loving someone for who they are. Although most parents wouldn't say something so harsh to their sons and daughters; however, if they desire to communicate a similar message, they know how to do it by isolating themselves from people who look like "those people."
Some of my readers have been abused and used for their looks, money, power, connections, and more and for some, they never bothered to think of how they got here from there. But I will tell you, somewhere along the way, there was a rebellious spirit that rose up within you that didn't want to listen to authority and didn't care what anyone thought about your life choices. When you used and abused others whether emotionally and/or physically, someone or a group came along to use and abuse you. The cycle keeps going until someone checks his or her ignorant mindset and puts off negative programming from childhood. How many times have you bailed someone out of financial trouble, car trouble, jail trouble, job trouble, mama and 'em trouble? You are being used. How often is someone name-calling, shoving, threatening, or doing other things that hurt you? You are being abused. Are there times when someone is mentioning something about the color of your skin and how it benefits you? Does this person seem jealous?
Whatever your skin tone or someone else's doesn't give you or someone you know the right to use it and abuse it for selfish gain. Whatever is in your bank account (or someone else's) doesn't give you the right to brag about your wealth (or someone else's) and think that there are no consequences. The day a person realizes they are being abused and used, is the day that they will start cutting away and cutting off.
I have personally witnessed African American men and women who cried broke, with wealth in their bank accounts while asking others to help them for free or at a significant discount, then one day these same people experienced financial hardship. Users and abusers seek others to assist them with everything from errands to bills all in the name of so-called "love" and "family." They used their speech to persuade, their private parts to please, and their beauty to lure the gullible, the Christian, the broken, and the "Easy."
Some of our black relatives, exes, friends, and enemies used what they learned from childhood programming to strategically build a bridge leading to "white" money (whether through marriage, theft, lying, kissing a##, snitching, selling out, etc.) while denouncing most things black--the music okay, black connections and community not so much! For some blacks, they have such a hatred for their own kind that they would throw them under the bus if they could while pretending that they are not what you see. Then there are those who are victims, played like a fiddle. I was once one of them, used because of what a name represented, admired for skin tone, and then abused because of the same skin tone, disrespected because I was more educated and spiritual...and what hurt the most is when it is your own people who do you wrong.
And so life being black goes on...
Nicholl McGuire
If he should meet a spoiled one in the group, he deems the whole group as "No good, you can't trust them. I would never date their daughters..." It's unfortunate but some naysayers will abuse the ones they don't like much until they can be with the one or group that they like more. They seek out "a type" or special preference above others just so that they can obtain and keep favor, wealth, and more with the favored individual or group. These selfish manipulators know that lying, covering up, cheating, and doing negative things to the unsuspecting is wrong, but what do they care? Their greatest concern is getting their needs met. For example, if a white man (who doesn't particularly care for black, brown or any other ethnicity but his own) finds that an award-winning, financially successful black individual is going to benefit him, then he would work hard to achieve one's trust. Once the closet racist has a satisfactory relationship with the individual, he can then do the kind of things to the person that look abusive to outsiders, but to the black, wealthy man, he doesn't feel that anything is wrong with how he thinks or what he does to self and others all in the name of the dollar bill. The poor man has a limited view on what abuse looks like. Therefore, if it doesn't look like his painful past, then it isn't so bad.
Think of the many broken, black men and women who run into the arms of everyone who doesn't even come close to looking like anyone in their own family. To be fair, let's assume that the idea of being with someone who looks like one's relatives make these run-away blacks feel uncomfortable. But what if these same blacks grew up with the kind of programming from parents or guardians that preached something like, "Our people ain't sh*t and will never be sh*t! Go find you someone, anyone, but one of our people!" Then it would be fair to assume that there is more going on in these run-away blacks minds besides just loving someone for who they are. Although most parents wouldn't say something so harsh to their sons and daughters; however, if they desire to communicate a similar message, they know how to do it by isolating themselves from people who look like "those people."
Some of my readers have been abused and used for their looks, money, power, connections, and more and for some, they never bothered to think of how they got here from there. But I will tell you, somewhere along the way, there was a rebellious spirit that rose up within you that didn't want to listen to authority and didn't care what anyone thought about your life choices. When you used and abused others whether emotionally and/or physically, someone or a group came along to use and abuse you. The cycle keeps going until someone checks his or her ignorant mindset and puts off negative programming from childhood. How many times have you bailed someone out of financial trouble, car trouble, jail trouble, job trouble, mama and 'em trouble? You are being used. How often is someone name-calling, shoving, threatening, or doing other things that hurt you? You are being abused. Are there times when someone is mentioning something about the color of your skin and how it benefits you? Does this person seem jealous?
Whatever your skin tone or someone else's doesn't give you or someone you know the right to use it and abuse it for selfish gain. Whatever is in your bank account (or someone else's) doesn't give you the right to brag about your wealth (or someone else's) and think that there are no consequences. The day a person realizes they are being abused and used, is the day that they will start cutting away and cutting off.
I have personally witnessed African American men and women who cried broke, with wealth in their bank accounts while asking others to help them for free or at a significant discount, then one day these same people experienced financial hardship. Users and abusers seek others to assist them with everything from errands to bills all in the name of so-called "love" and "family." They used their speech to persuade, their private parts to please, and their beauty to lure the gullible, the Christian, the broken, and the "Easy."
Some of our black relatives, exes, friends, and enemies used what they learned from childhood programming to strategically build a bridge leading to "white" money (whether through marriage, theft, lying, kissing a##, snitching, selling out, etc.) while denouncing most things black--the music okay, black connections and community not so much! For some blacks, they have such a hatred for their own kind that they would throw them under the bus if they could while pretending that they are not what you see. Then there are those who are victims, played like a fiddle. I was once one of them, used because of what a name represented, admired for skin tone, and then abused because of the same skin tone, disrespected because I was more educated and spiritual...and what hurt the most is when it is your own people who do you wrong.
And so life being black goes on...
Nicholl McGuire
Saturday
Dead End, Abusive Relationships All in the Name of Black
He, a black man, told what he called his, "Mocha, Loveboat, Shawty" that he loved her just the other day after he hit her repeatedly because she was talking to a man. She, also known as, Sweet told her man of five plus years that she was his "ride or die chick" after scaring him with a knife. Crazy people in so-called love do crazy things. Frequent yelling and cursing, cheating, lying/covering up truth, fighting, or simply being unavailable emotionally or physically is abusive. Staying with someone, who might put you in jail one day, just because the pickings are slim where you are from when it comes to black men and women is crazy!
Days or even weeks of disrespecting a person will create an intense environment that might result in repeated emotional or physically abusive episodes. Claiming to love someone while flirting and/or having sex (or wishing to be with another) is setting yourself up for unnecessary drama in your household. It doesn't matter who started what, who is to blame, or what they said or did in the past, retaliation will only get someone hurt.
How long will a sweet woman live in misery before she turns sour? How long will a couple lie to one another about where they have been and who they have been seeing before one or both starts walking around with bruises on their bodies as a result of physically fighting one another?
As much as you wish to keep someone close to you or far away depending on the situation you or someone you know might be in, it is up to you to stay in control of your life--not theirs. You can't make anyone love you, like you, or want to be with you for always--no matter how hard you try.
I have learned after years of watching men and women within my family and outside of it that no matter what some do, you can't keep a troubled mind acting right. You can suggest counseling, buy gifts, create a stress-free atmosphere, snitch and let the police take that person away, leave the person repeatedly...only to find yourself one day asking, "Why am I here?"
No mentally disturbed individual on the face of this earth is worth giving the best of who you are or what you have become! No excuses will hide crazy. No prayer will cure the ones that God has not chosen. When the writing is on the wall, we survivors know, to read it and then prepare to follow the directions.
Before the year is out, listen to that wise spirit within and make the kind of decisions that will free you from a dead end relationship. Avoid those feelings that tell you to stay, because "there is no good black men...I don't know if I could ever find a black woman that will do XYZ like her...."--no one is worth the kind of drama that robs your peace of mind. There are others--better than the familiar spirit that keeps one on his or her knees hoping, wishing and praying even God turns a deaf ear to some folks.
Nicholl McGuire
Days or even weeks of disrespecting a person will create an intense environment that might result in repeated emotional or physically abusive episodes. Claiming to love someone while flirting and/or having sex (or wishing to be with another) is setting yourself up for unnecessary drama in your household. It doesn't matter who started what, who is to blame, or what they said or did in the past, retaliation will only get someone hurt.
How long will a sweet woman live in misery before she turns sour? How long will a couple lie to one another about where they have been and who they have been seeing before one or both starts walking around with bruises on their bodies as a result of physically fighting one another?
As much as you wish to keep someone close to you or far away depending on the situation you or someone you know might be in, it is up to you to stay in control of your life--not theirs. You can't make anyone love you, like you, or want to be with you for always--no matter how hard you try.
I have learned after years of watching men and women within my family and outside of it that no matter what some do, you can't keep a troubled mind acting right. You can suggest counseling, buy gifts, create a stress-free atmosphere, snitch and let the police take that person away, leave the person repeatedly...only to find yourself one day asking, "Why am I here?"
No mentally disturbed individual on the face of this earth is worth giving the best of who you are or what you have become! No excuses will hide crazy. No prayer will cure the ones that God has not chosen. When the writing is on the wall, we survivors know, to read it and then prepare to follow the directions.
Before the year is out, listen to that wise spirit within and make the kind of decisions that will free you from a dead end relationship. Avoid those feelings that tell you to stay, because "there is no good black men...I don't know if I could ever find a black woman that will do XYZ like her...."--no one is worth the kind of drama that robs your peace of mind. There are others--better than the familiar spirit that keeps one on his or her knees hoping, wishing and praying even God turns a deaf ear to some folks.
Nicholl McGuire
Tuesday
Friday
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
You may have heard a story about domestic violence, been a victim yourself or just don't understand why women stay, whatever your reason for being interested in Domestic Violence Awareness, you are at least making an attempt to educate yourself and possibly help someone else and that's all anyone who once was a victim and those who are now deceased would want, but for those people who want to do more, the following are tips to help you get started.
First, conduct research about domestic violence. You should be able to answer some of the why, how, when, what, and who questions related to the subject. Also, read about others' plights. Even though many of the stories have similar patterns, there is always something new in each that may stimulate thoughts of " I never knew that."
Second, be sure that you are sincerely empathetic and not judgmental about those who have been in violent relationships. You will know if you have resolved your own issues about women who stay, by how you react when listening to their stories. If you find that you are pushing down negative feelings and trying hard to refrain from making harsh comments, then it would be best that you don't attend any events or visit places where people are sharing their traumatic ordeals until you can get a command over your own feelings. The last thing that any victim or survivor wants is another person telling them "how stupid" he or she is for staying.
Third, conduct research in your community of existing events about domestic violence awareness. Are there any groups hosting a vigil for the deceased? What about workshops and seminars? Are there any advertisements, public service announcements, fliers, or some other literature readily available and widely seen in your neighborhood to call attention to the problem.
Fourth, find out from local police how they respond to domestic violence calls and what you should do if you hear or witness someone being abused.
Fifth, create a list of ways you may be able to let people know about domestic violence. You may want to distribute information and trinkets with a hotline number and/or create a fund-raiser and give the proceeds to a local women's shelter. Take out ad space in your local newspaper. If you are affiliated with a church, find out how leadership handles domestic violence cases and offer to speak about the issue. You can also work with schools and local colleges to appear as a guest speaker.
Sixth, pen your experience in a form of a book or record your story on audio. Let people know how you overcame your own situation. Then offer your book or audio to individuals or organizations who might be interested in your subject matter. A local theater may be interested in performing your life story in play form.
Lastly, be a good listener. Know what to say and how to say it when someone shares details of their life. Be ready to provide advice. You can obtain information from any women's shelter or simply type in "domestic violence" along with your state's name in your search engine window. A list of organizations are already established with free information to help you.
Nicholl McGuire, Author
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306
Watch the video about Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtUMok1h1cE
First, conduct research about domestic violence. You should be able to answer some of the why, how, when, what, and who questions related to the subject. Also, read about others' plights. Even though many of the stories have similar patterns, there is always something new in each that may stimulate thoughts of " I never knew that."
Second, be sure that you are sincerely empathetic and not judgmental about those who have been in violent relationships. You will know if you have resolved your own issues about women who stay, by how you react when listening to their stories. If you find that you are pushing down negative feelings and trying hard to refrain from making harsh comments, then it would be best that you don't attend any events or visit places where people are sharing their traumatic ordeals until you can get a command over your own feelings. The last thing that any victim or survivor wants is another person telling them "how stupid" he or she is for staying.
Third, conduct research in your community of existing events about domestic violence awareness. Are there any groups hosting a vigil for the deceased? What about workshops and seminars? Are there any advertisements, public service announcements, fliers, or some other literature readily available and widely seen in your neighborhood to call attention to the problem.
Fourth, find out from local police how they respond to domestic violence calls and what you should do if you hear or witness someone being abused.
Fifth, create a list of ways you may be able to let people know about domestic violence. You may want to distribute information and trinkets with a hotline number and/or create a fund-raiser and give the proceeds to a local women's shelter. Take out ad space in your local newspaper. If you are affiliated with a church, find out how leadership handles domestic violence cases and offer to speak about the issue. You can also work with schools and local colleges to appear as a guest speaker.
Sixth, pen your experience in a form of a book or record your story on audio. Let people know how you overcame your own situation. Then offer your book or audio to individuals or organizations who might be interested in your subject matter. A local theater may be interested in performing your life story in play form.
Lastly, be a good listener. Know what to say and how to say it when someone shares details of their life. Be ready to provide advice. You can obtain information from any women's shelter or simply type in "domestic violence" along with your state's name in your search engine window. A list of organizations are already established with free information to help you.
Nicholl McGuire, Author
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306
Watch the video about Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtUMok1h1cE
Tuesday
What Can We All Learn From the Chris Brown & Rihanna Situation?
African Americans in volatile relationships isn't nothing new under the sun. I'm not suggesting all African American couples, because that wouldn't be the truth. But if some of us aren't in crazy relationships at this very moment, at some point in our lives we either will be or already been there and done that when we thought we were in love, when in fact we were really in lust!
You see, I am angry at both of them, the parents, their business team, the paparazzi, the people around them and anyone else connected to all the Chris Brown and Rihanna madness! The main reason I'm upset is because no one can claim, "I didn't know." There were Internet reports from various media outlets describing the relationship as being volatile. There were also stories about Chris Brown growing up in an abusive atmosphere. And finally, there were photos taken of him losing his cool at a club in Germany (mind you they weren't serving nonalcoholic beverages either.)
Now let's just use a little common sense and say, that Chris is an underage drinker (might be an alcoholic)a victim of an abusive past with a proven temperament -- put it altogether and see what you got?
Now on to Rihanna, there have been Internet reports circulating about a particular love interest that she had been involved with before she met Chris, does anyone know why they broke up? It may play a part as to what type of girlfriend she can be, did anyone bother to seek out any past boyfriends or girlfriends of either Chris or Rihanna? Some sites report that Rihanna's friends actually talked about how she can't be anywhere without Chris and she has been known to keep the fans (girls) from seeing him backstage. Words like "obsessed" were used to describe her side of the relationship, hmmm?! Not only that a source told the Chicago Sun Times that Rihanna hired a private investigator and an additional "mole" to be a part of Chris' team. This was to be sure Chris was behaving himself during his European tour back in January. Smells like obsession to me!
Now I don't know about you, but I haven't been around enough Caribbean women to call them "hot heads" or "hot bloods," but some online sources say she has another side to her (well don't we all?) There are also online photos of Rihanna holding up a champagne glass the night of the incident, before the altercation, which also tells me that she too is a drinker (mind you before the legal age as well.) Lastly, she has a history of herpes and well in some photos you can clearly see Chris isn't happy. Check out Mediatakeout.com. One photo taken looks as if he is looking at her mouth with a "don't kiss me" look.
Now let's just put it altogether and see what we got, Rihanna a jealous girlfriend with a temper, known to drink alcohol with a health ailment that tends to make one become very moody?
Now throw in their young ages (19 and soon to be 21 years) into the mix, money, fans, no family support system nearby...tension is building, hormones are raging, and one day someone is going to snap!!!!
The lessons to be learned from their situation go like this:
+Relationships are not for people who are just starting to peak in their careers.
+Alcohol is not for people who don't know how to drink it responsibly let alone aren't of legal age!
+Men and women who are loved by a large following of people need not get into relationships with one another, because feeling secure in a relationship of Chris and Rihanna's kind of magnitude is beyond challenging -- it is a downright assault on one's emotions. One man commented in a forum discussing the Chris and Rihanna situation, he said "I know how it can be Chris with so many men wanting your lady...that thing is powerful...it will make a man go crazy...hang in there Chris."
+Ladies (and gentlemen): avoid dating temperamental people (especially those who haven't had any counseling after growing up in abusive households.)
+Men: Don't ignore signs of a jealous, insecure woman such as: "I need you...I can't live without you...who is that?...What does she want?" statements just about every other day!
+Finally, think real hard whether you want to take a chance with your health dating someone with an STD.
Feel free to conduct your own research using keywords like: Rihanna boyfriend, Rihanna herpes, Chris Brown domestic violence, Chris Brown fight...
Written by Nicholl McGuire
You see, I am angry at both of them, the parents, their business team, the paparazzi, the people around them and anyone else connected to all the Chris Brown and Rihanna madness! The main reason I'm upset is because no one can claim, "I didn't know." There were Internet reports from various media outlets describing the relationship as being volatile. There were also stories about Chris Brown growing up in an abusive atmosphere. And finally, there were photos taken of him losing his cool at a club in Germany (mind you they weren't serving nonalcoholic beverages either.)
Now let's just use a little common sense and say, that Chris is an underage drinker (might be an alcoholic)a victim of an abusive past with a proven temperament -- put it altogether and see what you got?
Now on to Rihanna, there have been Internet reports circulating about a particular love interest that she had been involved with before she met Chris, does anyone know why they broke up? It may play a part as to what type of girlfriend she can be, did anyone bother to seek out any past boyfriends or girlfriends of either Chris or Rihanna? Some sites report that Rihanna's friends actually talked about how she can't be anywhere without Chris and she has been known to keep the fans (girls) from seeing him backstage. Words like "obsessed" were used to describe her side of the relationship, hmmm?! Not only that a source told the Chicago Sun Times that Rihanna hired a private investigator and an additional "mole" to be a part of Chris' team. This was to be sure Chris was behaving himself during his European tour back in January. Smells like obsession to me!
Now I don't know about you, but I haven't been around enough Caribbean women to call them "hot heads" or "hot bloods," but some online sources say she has another side to her (well don't we all?) There are also online photos of Rihanna holding up a champagne glass the night of the incident, before the altercation, which also tells me that she too is a drinker (mind you before the legal age as well.) Lastly, she has a history of herpes and well in some photos you can clearly see Chris isn't happy. Check out Mediatakeout.com. One photo taken looks as if he is looking at her mouth with a "don't kiss me" look.
Now let's just put it altogether and see what we got, Rihanna a jealous girlfriend with a temper, known to drink alcohol with a health ailment that tends to make one become very moody?
Now throw in their young ages (19 and soon to be 21 years) into the mix, money, fans, no family support system nearby...tension is building, hormones are raging, and one day someone is going to snap!!!!
The lessons to be learned from their situation go like this:
+Relationships are not for people who are just starting to peak in their careers.
+Alcohol is not for people who don't know how to drink it responsibly let alone aren't of legal age!
+Men and women who are loved by a large following of people need not get into relationships with one another, because feeling secure in a relationship of Chris and Rihanna's kind of magnitude is beyond challenging -- it is a downright assault on one's emotions. One man commented in a forum discussing the Chris and Rihanna situation, he said "I know how it can be Chris with so many men wanting your lady...that thing is powerful...it will make a man go crazy...hang in there Chris."
+Ladies (and gentlemen): avoid dating temperamental people (especially those who haven't had any counseling after growing up in abusive households.)
+Men: Don't ignore signs of a jealous, insecure woman such as: "I need you...I can't live without you...who is that?...What does she want?" statements just about every other day!
+Finally, think real hard whether you want to take a chance with your health dating someone with an STD.
Feel free to conduct your own research using keywords like: Rihanna boyfriend, Rihanna herpes, Chris Brown domestic violence, Chris Brown fight...
Written by Nicholl McGuire
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Based on a work at africanamericanplanet.blogspot.com.
