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Is African American Mothers to Blame for Out of Control Men?

She did the best she could to raise her son without his father. You see, his dad and most of the young boys in the community, grew up without a father. When you spend some time interviewing mothers like her, she will tell you that her child's father was no good! He would cheat on her, sell drugs, drink too much, run with his friends, etc. You may feel for our sister and tell her how great she was for raising this child, but there is something you may not have thought about...why would she select a man like that anyway? Oh she may tell you, "He wasn't like that when we first started dating." He may not have been as bad, but certainly there were some signs to suggest she would eventually have a real problem on her hand. Now if she chose to ignore the signs, she not only put herself at risk to be hurt emotionally and/or physically, but her child was put at risk before he even got here!

So now this innocent child who came from a seed who didn't want him, or wanted him but chose not to raise him, is suceptible to all sorts of problems as a man and when he gets in trouble no one wants to take responsibility (noticed I didn't say "take the blame.") The truth of the matter is once the damage is done, the blame game does nothing more than name a person, it doesn't put his mother in prison, it doesn't make her pay monetarily, and it doesn't heal anyone. So can you blame her? Some will say, "Blame the daddy, he wasn't there!" His absence may have impacted or increased the chances for his child to do wrong, but when it all comes down to it, the child/man is responsible!

It's so easy to blame the mother for her out of control son, the woman for the mate she chose, the girl for being abused and misused, the ignorant for not getting a good education, the family for everything that is wrong with America! But when will society wake up and realize that pointing the finger is not going to make an out of control boy or man, become better! Tearing down a family, a career, and a life is not going to help matters!

Lazy, critical, racist, and foolish people will say that "if it wasn't for...they all are alike...that's why we can't get...that's why they won't..." and other statements like these, because they aren't intelligent enough to come up with a solution. So what is the answer when a young man becomes out of control? Where does he get help? What do we look for in childhood, to not only determine which category he should be placed in, but what should he and us be doing to help him while he is still young, and where do we get the money to pay for the top of the line care? See, there are plenty of resources, but money ultimately determines who gets the best care. So if you don't have the income, nor can you travel to the best resources, you are stuck with whatever the free program around the corner can give you!

You see, there is a lot of talk in the African American community about the almighty butt whippin', but what isn't being said is "what do I do when the butt whippin is ineffective?" It may have worked for you, but there is a new generation of children that isn't even a little bit fazed by the mighty butt whippin'. Some children are retarded, hyperactive, disabled, and other similar things, how does a butt whippin' get through to a child who goes from one mood swing to the next? It may work temporarily on him or it may never work! Now you have a bitter, angry, and resentful young man who can't wait to hold a gun in his hands! It's unfortunate, but many parents from the ghetto in New Orleans to the mansion in Beverly Hills, don't know how to balance punishment with love! Lots of hitting and sassy talking, but not enough hand holding and walking!

So I close with this, it's time that society get it right! Put a halt on passing judgment on these young boys and men who entertain us, work for us, help us, and love us! It isn't just about his momma, wife, or girlfriend, when he gets in trouble! It's about the choices he chose to make (good, bad or otherwise) and when he makes the wrong choice, which one of us will step up to the plate, not talk about him, give a brotha a hand, not slap him!

Written by Nicholl McGuire

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