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Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire - book excerpt - Prideful Fathers

As I discovered more about myself, I observed that some men and women I knew personally and professionally had some daddy hang-ups too. Some of us weren't children of divorce and didn't have Dads that weren't living outside of the home, yet we had emotional issues. There were those of us who were looking for surrogate fathers through marriage, others who tried to make peace with the past after dads had died by leaning on many lovers and addictions, and those who had no clue where to begin when it came to connecting with their fathers because of old wounds, so they either created false stories or exaggerated events to ease the pain. Then of course, there were daughters who didn't have any problems that they could think of concerning their fathers. As for men I knew with broken relationships with their fathers either they didn't have their fathers around, didn't know him or he was around but was very demanding or ineffective--one of two extremes.

I didn't breathe a word to those who had what were seemingly healthy relationships with their fathers about anything negative concerning my family, because I didn't need or want their advice or pity. As far as they knew, "I have a good family...nice, kind, loving." Some of this had long been seeded in me by my parents even when I didn't always agree. Were they really as positive as I made them appear to be? Every so often, but the old mantra, "What goes on in this house stays in the house," played like a broken record in my head, because their parents told them the same thing. Even when I was really young, I knew there were some things being covered up, and my eyes didn't deceive me. I saw my parent's personality issues and weaknesses. I couldn't help but feel different, from time to time confused maybe even jealous when some friends talked so positively about their Dads and were all smiles when they hugged and joked with them. Many Dads, with military programming, come with much baggage and their families suffer more than they will ever tell. Throw alcohol in the mix with loved ones and you are in for a treat! When I was a child, there wasn't a family event that didn't include men pouring strong drinks and a few women taking their sips.

My book Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire touches on Daddy problems and solutions that will help disappointed sons and daughters get past personal pain and struggles and on to a path toward some healing and understanding! The daddy issues presented are those past offenses, unresolved dilemmas, hidden emotional pain, and memories of verbal and/or physical abuse that didn't easily go away no matter how old you are or how much you visit and/or talk with a father(s). Those daddy issues also come in the form of dating and marrying mature men old enough to be a Dad's brother or worse close to a grandfather's age. You might lean on these men for support and/or companionship. You look to them for comfort. But for many young, frustrated women they get nothing more than controlling partners who aren't interested in nothing more than someone to care for them like a daughter, have sex, or a baby.

During my college years, I had no clue that some of my life choices were directly connected with a lack of a father-daughter bond. I had some idea I was in trouble when I wrote Chapter Six: Crying to Be Loved by Men in my book When Mothers Cry back in 2009. "Daddy issues become our man's issues whether we choose to admit it or not. They become his issues because if we don't make peace with what Dad did or didn't do, we will take it out on the man who says, 'I love you!' Women who have trust issues just didn't get them since dating men, they started before the dating years with (their) dad(s)," I wrote.

I think of the older men I attracted in my youth. I wanted very much to get rid of these guys after a short time of dating. I didn't want to experience rejection. I worked hard to avoid that point in the relationship where the guy is not being affectionate, finding fault with his girl, and then eventually ignoring her while he focuses on someone else. So I made a point to break up when I saw the first signs of disinterest. A couple of lovers admitted I was too young after they got what they wanted from me--I felt used.

I realize now that what I was really avoiding in those short-term dating relationships was a repeat of an on again off again connection with my own dad. As long as I did what was expected, all was cool with Dad, but break the rules, go rogue, or declare one's independence and there wasn't too much of anything coming from him. No eye contact, no messages through mom, no once in a blue moon conversation on the phone, or a gift from Dad--nothing! Play the game his way you win with a periodic acknowledgement, play the game your way, and you lose. Gifts and service had strings attached. As I matured, I gradually stopped playing stressful, mind twisting games and started centering my world on someone greater than my dad and that began with Jesus Christ back in 1997. I appreciate my father's support when he did provide it in my life from relocations to money, and I know he was grateful for the times that I acknowledged both him and my mother, but like he changed so did I by the time the 2000s came around.

There are fatherless daughters and sons who are grieving not just because their dads have died, but because they never truly had a bond with them. As much as a parent/guardian would like to blame children for a lack of relationship with him or her, the reality is that the individual must be the one to initiate a relationship and teach children what it means to love. As long as there is breath in his body, a father must be willing to connect with his son or daughter in a way that will encourage and strengthen, not only a bond with him, but others in their lives too. Far too many prideful fathers drop the ball because they feel it is more important to build connections outside of the home like: camaraderie between teammates, professionals at the workplace, and their favorite people than with loved ones. Now and then broken-hearted mothers are left out the loop and other relatives, because they are guilty of not being proactive themselves in the lives of their children, participating in petty misdeeds, and other things they have done to push children away while angering the fathers. Sometimes Dads want relationships with children, but busybody, bitter wives or exes won't let that happen as will be discussed in this book.

There are those fathers who are selfish and don't want anyone influencing their sons and daughters. On the other hand, there are cold-hearted dads who could care less about their children. Some dads believe that as long as bills are paid, along with some sort of feminine assistance in the nurturing department, they don't need to do much else; you will read more about this in a later chapter.

What is it about your dad that keeps you up at night? What would you like most from the first man in your life? If he passed away, what do you think you would miss about him? If he has already passed, do you have any regrets and what have you done to make peace? Are there things you feel you missed out on from the past that is presently affecting your present? What could Dad have done to bridge a gap with you and what could you have done to help? For some fathers, they are willing to do what it takes to help their children find solace...

There are many factors that ruin chances to bond with sons Say Goodbye to Dad. Demanding dad won't stop pressuring children, critical caretaker doesn't know when to shut up, strict stepfather provides no breathing room, and other similar fathers just don't bother to put themselves in their children's shoes. Further, these troubled men don't know how to discipline in love consistently and unfortunately have taught sons and daughters to behave just like them. They either caution too much or too little about their children's misdeeds. They provide just enough or nothing at all toward their offspring's basic needs. They are too self-absorbed, impatient, or downright mean to instruct their kids on how to do some useful things, but in public view you would never detect their flaws since they act well-adjusted and helpful with other people's children.
and daughters as you will read in

You will learn more things you can do to protect yourself and family emotionally and physically from what you have experienced as a result of a Dad not doing his part in your life. As for the ineffective dads, the ones I heard a few people describe as "good for nothing" or "lazy," these guys could care less about their sons and daughters, because they have written themselves out of their children's lives or vice versa. One father said, "I have a child, but no one needs to know about that." Another said, "I don't have any that I know of," while all along he knew he had a child. Some fathers were well-aware of all their children, but caring for them wasn't on the agenda, "That's what their mothers are there for...I didn't want any children." You will read how some of their children handled them over the years.

Get your copy of Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire here.

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