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Tuesday

What About Daddy? The African American Father is Accused of Not Being Bothered with His Children

I was talking to an older relative not that long ago about what I noticed when observing black men with their children and I was disappointed with what I saw.  Some were in their children's lives, but not really doing much with them.  Others were not in their children's lives and acted as if they had no children.  So the listener told me, "Oh, you didn't know?  Black men don't play with their children.  Take up time?  They don't do that." 

I must admit I was angered by what I saw and what the relative said.  Is this true?  Most black men don't have time for their children.  Is this something that non-blacks know and capitalize off of it?  Are those in powerful positions constantly at work to ensure that the black man doesn't have time for his children?

This wasn't one of those blame it on "The Man" moments for me, so I threw that thought out of my head.  It was evident upon closer inspection of my own personal experiences and others, that many, definitely not all, black men were not the kind that was going to get off the couch and play with the kids.  "I don't do that," one father told me.  He felt like bringing home the money was good enough.  So was this really an issue of laziness?

What is so difficult for a man, any man, to stop watching TV and go take the kids somewhere or get a ball, toy or game and just sit down and play with them or better yet teach them something school-related?  Now some men would say, "Well I take up time with my child.  We play video games.  We go places."  That's good for your household, but seriously that isn't enough.  But there are many men who rarely (if ever) do even that much!  Ask the single African American mothers who are raising little black boys and girls by themselves, Where is daddy and if he is around, what exactly is he doing to contribute to the lives of his children mentally, physically and spiritually?

Oh, we know where some daddies are, don't we?  Sometimes he is in the bed of his other woman or women.  Sometimes he is too busy making money to give a "you-know-what."  Other times he is at the bar, the club or just out in the street.  There are those times when he is working the field selling whatever to whoever or he is at the plant, the site or corporate office just doing his thing.  Meanwhile, his children are driving mama crazy with all their requests!  "Mama would you play with me?  Mama could you take me to the mall?  Mama when is daddy coming to get me?" 

When Mama drops the ball when trying to fulfill all her children's demands, she is considered "a bad mom."  I ask again, "Where is daddy?"  We all should be asking this question.

Daddy may be right there in the home, but this doesn't mean that daddy is doing anything with those kids, but maybe disciplining them.  "Take your...to bed!  Sit your...down!  If you come over here one more time..."  He is watching the game, his movie, listening to his music, talking on his cell phone, or out in the garage working on his car.  He has no time for kids and he isn't ashamed to tell you.  "I work all d*mn day!  I ain't got time for these children!  They better go somewhere and sit down and play!"  Daddy was raised by old school parents, "Children were made to be seen, but not heard."
So is daddy's lack of taking up time with the children really an issue of acting selfish?

There is something wrong when we have so many black males acting feminine.  The absentee father or overly macho dad plays a part in the effeminization of the black male.  Don't blame mama when Johnny is switching his tail and throwing up his hands!  There is also something wrong when we have daughters trying to act like sons.  His daughter is dressing like a boy, talking like boys and wishing she was a boy, uh oh!  So many fathers of these children blaming "their mama."  But what about you, brotha?  What are you doing or not doing?  That's your sissy son and Tomboy daughter you talk negatively about and then you want to blame their mama?! 

Fathers, are you really sitting down with your children on a regular basis teaching them life lessons or are you leaving it up to the schools and the local civic groups (which I might add are primarily run by non-blacks?) 

When I talked about this issue of some, once again not all, black men not spending time or playing with their children with men and women over the years, there were excuses.  Some said, "He's in jail, can't do anything when he's in jail.  He don't have any education.  He don't make much money.  He is busy doing other things.  He works all day.  He's tired."  The men that were in some of these women's lives got the pass on not taking time with the children, because he was a good provider.  "Hey, he brings home the money!  I'm not complaining," a mother of two told me once.  However, the men who weren't in the family's lives, didn't get a break.  "He was a no good $^%#!  Ignorant son of #$%^&!"  and whatever other name they could come up with.

I personally believe it is up to each father to seriously take a look at how much time he is spending doing other things on and away from the homefront as compared to how involved he is in his children's lives.  Children grow up fast!  They only ask parents to be a part of their world's for a time and then one day they aren't asking anymore.  They start not caring whether mom or dad shows up to their events.  Their progress in school starts to take a slow decline.  Before long, they start acting sneaky, lying and doing other things to get the attention from someone or some group since dad couldn't care less because his job, TV shows, his women, his friends or whatever else are more important. 

Nicholl McGuire
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African American Planet: Relationships, Education, Products & Lifestyle by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at africanamericanplanet.blogspot.com.

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