Some black folks just don't know how to give it or get it -- constructive criticism! When it comes to providing feedback or receiving it, we don't know how to do it! Blame momma and 'em with their sharp tongue, sassy hand on the hip attitude, eye rolling, heavy sighing, or loud voice. Must we have a negative disposition when talking to the offender or an over-the-top, "I will kick your a** temperament?" Some of us won't say anything at all; rather we go home and dump our issues on family and friends, "He is lucky I am a Christian because if I wasn't I would have...I don't know who that b*tch was talking to she better be glad I don't hit women."
The sad part is most of us are in the wrong and we know it, but we just won't accept it. When the truth comes out what do we do? Whether on the job, online or offline, we look for something negative we can dig up on people then throw their faults back up in their faces. This happens all too frequently in our intimate relationships too. You may have told your man weeks ago about how he didn't do something right, then weeks later he is talking about "remember that time when you..." because he is still fuming about how you didn't like a certain something that he did or didn't do. We think by taking on this attitude of "what can I find on you" it will somehow make us feel better maybe temporarily, but not for long. The truth is as an old wise woman once told me, "You are hurting yourself. Don't no man or woman want someone telling them what they are doing wrong all the time!" But what if you are dishing feedback out or receiving it in limited doses and you or the person still has an attitude? Get ready to play the "blame game." Someone will be lying, exaggerating or covering up faults to take the sting out of the feedback. For example, I say to you, "I would appreciate it if you could arrive earlier when we attend different events; rather than showing up late." What is the typical response? "Well you know the last time, what had happened was...anyway you was late that one time remember last year and I didn't say nothing to you...you always getting on me about being late!" See how our people can be?
Some of us will never accept criticism from our partners no matter how gentle, polite, or careful we are about giving it! Simply because we or our partners don't know how to give positive feedback on a good day. For example, from how we look to what we do to maintain house, our partner may say nothing or comment positively few and far in between. It is assumed you and I know we did a good job or we look nice. What is the excuse we give? "Well I didn't want to say anything because he might get all cocky..." or "she already think she cute, she don't need me to say anything!" How can you trust someone giving you so-called constructive criticism when you don't bother to provide them with any positive compliments? I would be more likely to accept one's constructive criticism if they were going to say something positive too. This teaching is easily accepted in Management Training 101 it should also be readily used in Intimate Communication 101 -- start with a positive before talking about the negative.
In many of our relationships with others, some of us are starving for a compliment. Some black folks won't part their lips to say anything good to save their lives! "She lucky I told her thank you, I'll be d*mned I tell her much else so she can get full of herself!" one might comment. Some of us have a serious problem giving good or bad feedback, but here are some things we can do to put our "attitude" in check before someone else checks us.
Change your outlook. We falsely assume the negative criticism will affect our relationship with the one giving the feedback as a whole and for the long-term. This only happens when you know this person doesn't mean you well from the start of the relationship. However, those who say they love you and sincerely care abut you don't want to do or say anything to keep you away. Those people on your job who value you will only say the things that will make their life easier. It doesn't always mean he or she wants to get rid of you! So change your outlook on what you "think" they are trying to do with their criticism and stick to fact. If the facts show this person has a long list of disrespect, being mean spirited and so on, take what he or she says and let it go in one ear and out the other!
Don't immediately obligate yourself to make changes. Anything that affects your career, family, dreams, etc. should be wisely considered. Allow your emotions for but a moment to move you, but don't stay emotional for long, move on to other things that need to be done and come back to that negative comment when you are ready to deal with it. Once you come down from the shock and/or anger, ask yourself why does what they say bother me so much? It may not be constructive feedback, but a deliberate comment to make you feel bad, because they didn't like what you said. You will need to also examine the person giving you the feedback, does he or she have something to personally gain? Does this person actually care about you? Do you have something that he or she wants? Delaying change will keep you from making potential mistakes and will allow you the time to orchestrate your own plan for change. The kind that will make a positive difference in you or what you do with this person.
Stand up for yourself. When you feel like one's comments are not justified, kind, polite or anything that helps you, speak up when necessary. Sometimes there will be times when it's best just to "lay low" or be quiet. However, if you believe you must speak up then by all means do it in a professional way being careful not to name-call or threaten.
Nicholl McGuire is the creator of this blog and has received all sorts of negative (and positive) comments on other websites from being called the N word to having her life threatened, but it doesn't keep her down. She does what she must because there is a higher calling on her life that man nor woman couldn't fully understand. Be blessed!
