2019 would be the last time that I felt completely like myself. It wouldn't be until early 2022, that I would feel like my old self. What happened?
When my personal, as well as professional challenges, were increasingly becoming more demanding and I didn't seem to feel
any better with on and off again illnesses, I visited a doctor in February
2020. I found out that I had needed a hysterotomy and learned around the
same time that many of my coworkers had covid symptoms.
I suspected I had covid too back when we called
covid symptoms "a bug" or "flu," our staff didn't know what
the illness was that gave us a variety of symptoms including loss of smell and
taste during December 2019 January 2020. Meanwhile, as parents
were told that our children were to remain at home for the rest of the school
year. Of course, most students began to perform poorly. As if that
wasn't enough, at my former apartment management job around that time, I
received visits from parents who wondered what local colleges and universities
were going to do if covid cases increased, because they didn't want to be
responsible for apartment lease contracts if the schools were going to close
and send their children home.
I as well as others I knew seemed to be feeling
out of sorts, not ourselves. Our minds were confused at times,
forgetful. We were unhappy at times more than happy. Our futures
were uncertain. Then people started dying.
In 2019 according to Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration, 6.5 million African Americans had a mental illness and/or substance use disorder (SUD), an increase of 10.1% over 2018 composed of increases in SUD and mental illness.
There was only so much that I could take into my mind. I felt
like I was sinking fast at the time. However, as more people began to
talk about what they were going through in media, gradually I saw some positive
changes in some people including myself.
Since 2020, it has been a breath of fresh air to
see that life coaches, doctors, counselors, psychologists, ministers, and
others are doing more to support people specifically the African American and
Latin communities who suffer with things like anxiety, and emotional instability,
nervousness, and fear. However, the Band-Aid fixes using prescription
medicines, well depending on the person, don't always have the benefits that
outweigh the risks.
As my own personal and professional challenges
began to mount during 2020 going into 2021, one of the doctors I visited, prescribed
“magic pills," an antidepressant, and an estrogen supplement back in February
2020. A dentist prescribed more pills that same year for infection and
painkillers until I could get an appointment for my root canal (a previous
dentist drilled too deep in my mouth to fix a cavity). Yes, the pain, the
pain! All of which I got taken care of that year.
I remained on the antidepressant for about eight
months (from February to September 2020). The other pills about a
month. Three times a day taking an antidepressant to get through the day
and all the rest to help manage pain and infection, I was having an out-of-body experience most days.
I must admit I was not who I had been prior to
taking all those medicines. The antidepressant had brought on its share
of mania including trouble sleeping, excessive happiness, and racing
thoughts. It also gave me unusual behaviors like believing I was someone
else and feeling confused at times when people spoke to me and what I was
supposed to do next. It also brought about more vision problems to the
point that now I wear glasses. There was also one very important thing that the
antidepressant did, it caused me to no longer write like this. A simple
sentence was okay, but a blog post, article, a report, a poem, a song...no
way! It was too much effort to sit and concentrate on creative
tasks. I recall spending way too long trying to fill out a template for a
creative flier even with the words present to copy.
Creativity is no more when you are
medicated. You also don't have much feeling for others. I was
pretty much ready to delete everything that I created while on the
medicine. In 2021, I began withdrawal, I had fought with all sorts of
emotions including paranoia and unusually grand ideas that I couldn't recall
weeks later. In addition, while taking the medicine, I learned that I had
high blood pressure, and heart palpitations every now and again and felt tired more
so after eating initially, because something was happening with my blood sugar
that hadn't occurred prior to taking the medicine. There was no off
button prescribed as to when I was done taking the medicine. The comment
from the doctor was, “Why were you ever off any of it, to begin with?”
Years ago, I was given different types of antidepressants,
and each gave me similar side effects. One was so bad that all I ever
wanted to do was sleep and I had no sex drive and no orgasm while on that
medicine. One doctor thought it was necessary to prescribe it because I
was going through postpartum like behaviors for months after the babies had been
born. I never understood why they thought just one week of highs and lows
and I, or any mother, would just be fine afterward so they had sent me home
with babies and no medicine until I showed back up with a lot on my mind,
read When Mothers Cry.
Anyway, I took the pills--for how long I don't
remember exactly (less than a year), but what helped me more so was getting
away from the babies for months to collect myself and manage my own mind, body,
and soul so I could return to care for them. Fast forward to February
2020, almost two decades later, there I was told to take pills again with no cutoff
date.
What I have learned is that pills, like
counselors, have their place for a time in your life (if you are willing to
accept) depending on one's condition, but they are not meant to be used often,
in excess, or for most people, for the rest of their lives. There are aids
for a season in your life, but once a person has demonstrated that they are
perfectly capable of caring for themselves, there are healthy alternatives that
don't involve pills and controlling people.
All pills and caretakers don't fit all.
When you can manage your life, you are also able to make the kind of decisions
that are most beneficial for yourself such as having faith, and a support system
that is more concerned about your health and not so much about your money or
service.
Your peace of mind and the free time to think
apart from others is most important, so take care of yourself when you
can!
Nicholl McGuire has an online store of beautiful
artwork and useful household products, Stillness Gifts.
She is also the owner and contributor of this blog.
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