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Friday

Fatherless Son, Know When to Let Go: 7 Tips on Beginning the Path Toward Healing from an Emotionally Absent, Physically Distant Father

Jacob never knew his father. He died in a car accident before Jacob was born. His mother never talked about him, and when Jacob would ask, she would just cry. So, Jacob grew up without a father figure in his life.

As a child, Jacob always felt like he was missing something. He didn't feel complete. And because he never had a dad to look up to, he found it difficult to form relationships with other people. He always felt like he was on the outside looking in.

As an adult, Jacob decided to do some research on his father. He found out that his father was an emotionally absent and physically distant father to children he had with other women. This information made Jacob realize how much he really hadn't missed out on, he wasn't there for his sons and daughters either. Although Jacob wished he could have had a relationship with his father, but it was too late now, the man died.

Jacob decided to make peace with what his father could not do for him which was be present in his son's life.  He also made peace with his father's untimely death and chose to continue to move on with his life. He knew that it would be difficult, but he was determined to find contentment. And eventually, he did, he had his own children with a lovely wife.

Although this fictional example does not speak to the countless challenges fatherless and daughters encounter as a result of their dads not being emotionally and/or physically present in their lives, the impact can not be ignored.

Consider the following:

1) Take the time to acknowledge the pain.  Speak out loud to yourself.  Interview you like someone would trying to get to the root of the problem.  What hurts?  Why does it hurt?  Do you blame you, your father, your mother...?  Why do you blame?  What could have been done differently?  Do you understand what your father's challenges were at the time?  Would you like to move on?  What do you think you should do to begin the path toward healing? Questions and responses can be penned in a journal to reflect.  You can also use these in a therapy session or when writing a personal memoir.

2) Find out areas where you struggle with personal and professional relationships and work to be a better person.  Chances are you broke up with someone, may have quit or lost jobs, and had other challenges that looked a lot like some of the men in your family or neighborhood. There may be other mounting issues that are stagnating mentally and spiritually growth that tie back to childhood.

3) Avoid dwelling on what your father did or didn't do for you. Instead, choose to say something positive about yourself and what your goals are in life.  Often bringing up how your dad "wasn't there, he was on drugs, he left you and the family hungry, he cheated, he this...he that..." does nothing more than set you back and irritate those around you who want nothing more than for you to live your best version of yourself!  Negative conversations in the long term bring you and your family down.

4) Apologize whenever possible if you have upset your relatives and friends by lashing out or saying or doing something similar to your father or other negative men. Work hard not to repeat the toxic behaviors.

5) Seek counseling whenever possible. Professionals are experts in problem-solving and provide effective ways of coping when the past has a way of triggering you emotionally.

6) If you feel that nothing is working, visit a doctor.  There may be health challenges you inherited from your father that you are not aware of as to why he was not the best partner to your mother (or other women) or a good worker at his workplace.

7) Don't give up on striving to have a quality relationship with your wife or children's mother.  You can do this by listening rather than arguing--not every response deserves an answer.  Remember your children (and possibly grandchildren) are watching and listening. You want them to see a father who shows love rather than make war with those he claims he cares for.

With these tips hopefully you will be the one that your loved ones will remember you by saying, "He was a great dad and he showed just how much he loved us.  He listened and genuinely cared about our feelings and what we wanted out of life.  I am so grateful to have known this man!"

Nicholl McGuire is blog owner and contributor of this blog.  She is also the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

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African American Planet: Relationships, Education, Products & Lifestyle by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at africanamericanplanet.blogspot.com.

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