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Tuesday

Defending a No Good Man/ No Good Woman will Cost You

She has a problem with her man so she confides in a friend about this often difficult person to live with, talk to, etc.  Her friend is growing weary of these conversations about a man who has cost her best friend years of happiness, so she says, "Can I tell you something without you getting offended?"  Her friend responds, "Yes, go ahead, because I know you will keep it real!"  So her friend starts with, "I am so tired of you telling me about your no good man, I mean..."  Uh oh.  Now the friend could have phrased her words differently and been nice about it, but the truth is, her friend's sad relationship stories was making her start to think about ending her friendship with this woman she has known for 20 plus years! 

You can only imagine where this conversation was headed after the best friend's statement!  The friend, with the no-good man, starts defending him.  The bold friend shares a few more things that was on her mind.  Before long, the two hang up on one another.

Then across town there are two brothers spending some time eating a meal and talking about women.  The young brother becomes visibly irritated with the other about referring to his fly-by-night romances as "no-good and scandalous and that's why mama never likes the women you pick..."  Uh oh, we have a problem.  Of course, the younger brother starts bad-mouthing his brother's relationship of 10 years to a successful entrepreneur.  "Check please...man you done lost your mind," says the older brother.

So I have to share this point with some of my readers who are in the bed with someone who you know isn't right for you, "That man/woman is going to cost you in more ways than one!"  From a loss of friendships to a loss of income, some don't get it!  I recall my days of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, where I lost everything that I deemed lovable, respectable, and more including my mind trying to appease a man who was obviously suffering from some childhood trauma involving his mother that he never got over.  All women who crossed his doorstep and stayed had to pay sooner or later.  I didn't know this until I stayed awhile.

No good men and women are labeled "no good" by exes, mamas, papas, and siblings because they have a long track record of lying, cheating, deceiving, and more in order to get selfish needs met.  These cold-hearted people don't care who they hurt to get what they want!  So that fine looking man or woman ends up being a bitter, angry, and selfish person when he or she no longer sees you acting generous, kind, and loving toward him or her.  Eventually people, all but the lovers, see through the smokescreens.  Now some who have seen the no-good type in a past life do see true colors and know what they got, but they just don't know how to let go.  They rather push everyone else away, find fault with other's relationships, or do other things to keep from facing the truth!

One of the worst things that we do in the black community is defend our no-good relatives, mates, friends, bosses, etc. but put down the do-good types.  Those do-good types are the ones who play by the book, have decent lives, and help others even passing over relatives and friends who have been in their pockets more than enough wanting hand-outs.  The minute the Good Samaritan in the family messes up, the firestorm of gossip starts.  Haters start talking about how this person should have and could have, but when that smooth-talking, nice-looking, no-good uncle, aunt, cousin, co-worker, or whoever acts up, they are given a pass because, "Well you know, he messed up...he can't keep no woman, but he helps out...Yeah, well she might be bad when it comes to men, but she alright."  Meanwhile, children are learning who knows what living with that one who refuses to leave his or her no-good mate.  The sad part is many do-good types stay because of the children.  But if the children had a say, many would cry out, "Just leave him mama....Why we have to stay here daddy with her, you know she crazy?"

A leopard doesn't change his spots, so the old adage goes.  As much as you pray, attend church, and do whatever else you think might help some men and women, we just have to face the truth that there will be those who will not change.  Notice I didn't say all.  Sometimes a little medication, some rest, and proper eating and exercise is all many need to have a better perspective on life, but for others, nothing helps!  From rehab to jail, they are lost!  The demons go into hiding for a time, and then they come out when provoked.  "You don't tell me what to do...I know my man...Don't tell me about my woman!" the "I love my no-good man/woman" type screams.  Yet, some of you reading this, the one with the relationship drama has come to you and asked you for advice, needed a place to stay, your money, time, and whatever else.  Stop enabling these people who refuse to come up higher!   You don't need to keep assisting people who want to defend their no-good mates.  And if you are the one with someone who doesn't mean you well, isn't it time for you to do something different?

It takes one to know one.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry and other books.


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African American Planet: Relationships, Education, Products & Lifestyle by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at africanamericanplanet.blogspot.com.

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