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Slow Down Before Ending Black Love

With so many people getting married and then later divorcing across the color lines, it isn't any wonder that the children grow up not having healthy relationships.  But all too often, some African American sons and daughters are realizing later in life just how dysfunctional their households were during childhood and why they can't ssem to get along with their own ethnicity of people.  From repeated emotional and physical abuses to absentee parents, a single man or woman is bringing a whole lot of baggage into his relationship when he or she doesn't spend enough alone time to sort out his or her life and heal from painful experiences.

A young black man reasons in his mind, "I can't get along with black women...they are all the same!" So off he goes trying one ethnicity after the next (like slipping on pairs of sneakers) in the hopes that he can find someone outside of his skin color, culture and neighborhood that can complete him.  In time, he learns how to adapt to his surroundings and will even alter his voice, attire, and other things just to get along with his non-black partner and her family.  Self-hatred runs wild with some of our people; therefore, we can't wonder why some black couples can't get along.  Black parents still encouraging sons and daughters to choose white, live where there is white, shop where there is white, and do what's right for white, are helping perpetuate racism!  So they can't keep blaming "The Man" for anything when you are programming children to think that there is nothing better than white being alright--what!?  With this kind of programming, if a man or woman always wanted to pick from a different tree, no amount of sweet-talking, loving, or buying for them, black woman and black man, is going to make either one of them stay in the marital relationship. 

Black love can be especially difficult when everyone around the couple are at war with one another or has a long history of love interests gone wrong.  The so-called foundation for some of these couples is built on nothing more than dry land full of tumbleweeds.  Love's rain showers hasn't been seen in months!

The black woman too emotional, the black man too critical is a common look for many.  This isn't to say that non-blacks don't have that problem, but for purposes of this blog, this writer is not talking about them.  The black woman desires her man be more pro-active in their relationship; rather than being interested in this lady (or man) and that one outside of the relationship.  The man makes excuses.  While his woman is trying to heal from past abuses.  This is just a reflection of what the state of black love looks like for many as you read this.  If some, who call themselves children of God, would take a moment with Him, they could truly see what many of our black sisters and brothers relationships really look like behind closed doors!

Black couples will not get along with one another as long as there are two individuals living separate lives, unwilling to share too much of anything, distrust one another, and are overall disappointed in their life's decisions.  For instance, a wife persuades her husband to do something that he really doesn't want to do, then years later, he suddenly realizes that he has been living his life in the way his wife wanted him to.  A husband demands that his wife stop doing something that is beneficial to the community, for one reason or another.  Rather than support her, her husband is often very critical.  In time, the wife resents her husband for not being there for her.  Once again, don't wonder why you will see more of us in the future going off the deep end due to unresolved relationship issues whether married or not?  Sure, how one starts a relationship is a good indication of how the future might look, but what is really happening between two people who supposedly love one another?  There is no honest communication--people are avoiding the issues that make them feel uncomfortable.  Couples don't know how to be loving, but they have years of experience knowing how to fight one another--am I right?

It is challenging enough being black and not welcome, even today, in some groups, workplaces, and neighborhoods, but when you can't sit down and converse with your man or woman about the ills of the day, it's sad.  He is fearful that his woman is going to go off like she did the last time when he brought up XYZ.  She is worried that he is going to threaten her like he did last year when she said ABC.

Somehow some way we all have got to shake off past offenses, look beyond our hurt feelings, and do what's right in the best interest of our relationships, because if we don't, the alternatives aren't much better ie.) black women and white men, white women and black men, Asian and black, Mexican and black, etc.  It really doesn't matter the skin hue they all have issues, but what does matter is the culture and what is being taught in one's family in regard to what exactly does it mean to be a black woman or man in America and then it gets more complex when you are a spiritual black man or woman.  The answer to this question is more than what you look like (even though some racists would like to keep you in that frame of mind.)  Personally, for me I answered this question based on what the world around me thought of me for years until I managed to get comfortable in my own skin by appreciating blacks who came before me and broke glass ceilings.   However, it is a non-issue for some because they are far removed from all things black, so when one is treated differently than those who aren't black, then the ignorant will ask, "Who am I really?"  He or she doesn't know and when one doesn't know anything about self, he has no cause to stand on!  There is no custom, tradition, language--nothing!   No matter what ethnicity you connect to through sex, marriage or both, all people have something wrong with them, some more than others!  So why not stick it out with the one who knows you--really knows you, black skin and all!   

If you were to envision a real future with that hot looking mama or fine looking man it would consist of more drama, inner conflict, family objections, false assumptions, health issues, just another myriad of things that once again you would have to deal with in a new relationship (sigh).  So if the black man isn't whipping on you, and your not dead yet from your woman's hurtful words, why not work together to make your relationship work; rather than going elsewhere?

There are all sorts of programs out there to help us with relationship challenges.  There are books, videos, and music that encourage us to stay together.  There simply is no excuse why we can't make it when help is out there, but you have to be willing to come up out of your shell, put away everybody's ignorant opinion of "What I would do if I were you..." and just do the d*mn thang!  But keep in mind, there are all sorts of programs in place to keep us at war with one another too.  Watch out for people who are all-too-eager to help you break it off with your man or woman especially if he or she is non-black. 

So with that said, if you were one of my readers who was thinking about breaking it off with your man or woman, be sure that you have done everything you could in your current relationship, before focusing all your attention on a new face at your job, church, civic group, or somewhere else.  You never know if the next apple you bite is the one that will kill you.

Nicholl McGuire

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