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Sunday

They Want You to Be Nice, Be Sweet - Self-Important Black Family Members

Agree with them, be quiet on matters, do as you are told, and follow whatever plan they present in front of you, and the narcissistic black leader, parent, businessman, pastor, etc. is okay with you.  However, if you deviate from the script, expose lies, or do something else they feel is going against them, then there will be backlash.  No matter how criminal, wrong, evil, or crazy the event, statement, or misdeed, you are prohibited from being the snitch, truth-teller, deep throat, or whatever else some would call you for speaking truth.

Many of us black children grew up in homes where you were told, "What goes on in this house, stays in this house."  But if nothing is really going on, why bother to threaten a child?  If everything is all good in the 'hood so to speak, why be so harsh on the child?  "Let me hear that you told anyone, anything about me and I will hurt you, you hear?" says the demanding parent.

Being nice, sweet, and quiet is what you learned would win you favor with a few as you grew up and once you reached adulthood, things were different.  Some parents and others expected you to remain child-like--you know, "Stay in a child's place."  But as we all soon discover, we grown now and so we learn people doesn't matter if they are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, etc.  We realize that some loved ones just don't love us like they claim.  Some are nothing more than users and abusers, hustlers, pimps, players, and more.  They don't care about anyone but themselves!

If you should confront the narcissist and tell him or her how you really feel--no more suppressing your feelings, the individual will want to make an example out of you in front of others or behind closed doors.  Sohe or she will shout you down, threaten to hurt you, and do other things to instill worry and fear while bystanders will say to themselves, "I know not to get him/her angry...I don't want him/her treating me that way."  Then there are those black narcissists who will treat you so nicely in front of others, but when you get home, they treat you like a black sheep.  You are shunned, ignored, disrespected, and told in so many words, "I'm not speaking to you."

Those who are not enlightened to dysfunctional relationships with a self-absorbed black person don't know exactly how to deal with such an individual.  They get caught up in a web of "He's so nice...She's so smart...They would never hurt me."  But in time, these naive and gullible types learn the hard way.  Self-important folks look for someone to blame, accuse, feed off of, vent to, perform tasks, etc.  Little do they know that narcissistic black men and women have a serious personality disorder that isn't to be taken lightly.  Another description to add to the narcissistic black individual would be the ghetto snob.  That one who feels like he or she has to impress you with his or her clothes, house, and other items.  Did you ask how much he or she paid for something?  Do you care where she bought her clothes?  Does it matter whether he owns or rents?  These self-absorbed, ghetto snobs tell you how much they paid for something, how good their relationships are (even when they are not) and how well their children are doing in school and more.  If you should talk about what you are doing, they cut you off, are easily distracted, and look to turn the conversation back on themselves.  These ghetto snobs expect you to worship, praise and fear them.  If you don't, they figure out ways to put you down, kick you out of their circles, or do other things to exercise their authority over you.

If you find yourself put often in a position where you feel your head hurting, your stomach churning, and other signs that you are stressed around certain people, know that you are in the presence of someone who isn't much interested in making you feel good about yourself.  In time, you will find he or she will drain you of mental, physical and spiritual energy.

Nicholl McGuire author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and other books.

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