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This site was created by Nicholl McGuire, Inspirational Speaker and Author. Feel free to comment, share links and subscribe. If you have a business or would like to guest post feel free to contact. Check out topics on this blog and select what interests you. They are found at the bottom of this page. Peace and Love.

Thursday

Chronic Jealousy Exposed: Some Black Americans Just Don't Get It

Don't agree with the header?  Then good for you, because chances are you don't bother with the eye-rolling, deep sighing, stare you up and down type who blurts out how he or she truly feels about you doing well in your business, with your family or anywhere else.  With a head tilted to the side or looking down on you, "Hmmm.  That's nice...I guess you did okay.  Good for you." or they are quiet, so quiet that if you deliver news over the phone you have to ask, "Are you there?"

Congratulations to those who have completely severed ties from envious relatives and friends so that you can prosper in life.  But for those who haven't, you have your work cut out for you if you really want to be delivered from jealous emotions.  Ask yourself, "Why can't you be happy for others?"

I have a little more cutting away to do myself.  Facebook created reunions with a simple click of a button and then I was quickly reminded why some folks were not supposed to be back in my social circle.  So glad to see the restrictions and limitations on the site--they are godsend!

I specifically address jealous black folks because I am an African American woman who sees a pattern with many professionals and not-so professionals.  In addition, I was influenced during my teen years by envious black (and white too) relatives and friends.  There are a lot of jealousy related issues that many black folks will never completely reveal to psychologists, social workers, or even members of their own family.  Years of pent up envy!  The negative seeds provided by whoever, whether parents or guardians favoring other children or intimate relationship problems, they grew into roots, and those roots cultivated weeds and sprouted everywhere from workplace dramas to television reality shows.

That "attitude" people like to speak of that many black men and women have is directly rooted in jealous emotions.  Someone does better than another, the negative statements and cold-bloodied behavior starts to arise and then it spits out covertly or overtly dysfunctional stuff from narcissism to passive-aggressive foolishness!  People stop talking to the one they are envious of, they don't want to celebrate their achievements for no apparent reason or for an imagined one, and they can't part their lips to treat the individual well.  But they will put a genuine smile on their face or laugh boldly when the individual is failing at something.

Husbands are jealous of wives and vice versa in some of these dysfunctional relationships and then throw in control issues as well.  A partner can't achieve much because his wife or her husband is putting up all sorts of blocks.  "We can't do that Baby, tell them...I'm sorry I can't help with...I want to be close to my family...You know I love you, but I don't want you doing that... What about my job...Do you have to take that offer?"  Years of declining and denying for a partner and what happens?  The successful partner is working a job that is beneath him or her and broke as a joke!

Then there are those relatives who compliment others far too much (they are usually the pretenders) or not at all.  The new house, car, boat, designer clothes, jewelry, and other purchases can't be mentioned to some loved ones due to overt almost abusive types of jealousy while making a scene to shame someone.  "That boat ain't that big...My cousin's house is bigger than that...Why ya'll waste money on all that stuff?  Your car is better than mine?"

Throw in those jealous and blaming friends who are often bad-mouthing whenever someone in the group is distancing his or herself from them to achieve goals.  "Why is he acting like that...I remember when we were so close.  You know it's that woman making him like that...I mean she is nice and all, pretty, you know educated...They got a big, beautiful home and nice-looking kids..." So what's the problem?

You see, jealous folks aren't happy for you, don't want you doing much more than what they are use to seeing you do, and when you are down and out, now they have time for you or if they need something they know how to pick up the phone.

Envious people look for something to go wrong in your relationship with them (as well as your personal and professional ones too) so that they have an excuse to say and do mean things to you as well as talk meanly about you behind your back to others.

People, who are not discerning of jealous people, don't realize that all their negative talk of someone is a result of their inferiority complex (low self esteem), poverty, or hurtful past experiences.  Moms, grandmoms, dads, and grandads are just as guilty at times as the young people, so don't think for one minute you are safe with jealous elders.  They should know better, but many still don't!  Most individuals conversing with jealous folks aren't thinking beyond the scope of the topic when they should be asking their selves, "Well why would she talk badly about her daughter...her niece or nephew...Why is that so-called best friend talking so ugly about his boy?"

Then if you spend some time with the victims of the gossip, you will find out that the accusers are often jealous but the envious people have to come up with excuses to hide their evil emotions stirring within them.

You know when you have a problem with jealousy when the following happens:

1.  You have trouble delivering someone a compliment.
2.  You do much eye-rolling or deep sighing when someone, whether you know them or not, shares an achievement and the person is not the boastful type (So what is with the attitude)?
3.  You know you have issues when you can't let a partner leave your presence without suspecting he or she is up to something (that is if the individual hasn't cheated before, but if he or she has then it is understandable why you would feel insecure).
4.  You notice yourself finding fault with anything a person does whether it is artwork, a shopping purchase, or who they select as friends.
5.  If you could tell the person how you really feel about all the good things happening to them, you would make yourself sick. (You probably did once and still regret opening your big mouth when you should have been quiet).

One way you can get over jealous emotions is to create a long list of the things you hope to achieve in life and focus on them and not people on Facebook and elsewhere.  If you are busy taking care of your business, why worry over what someone else is achieving, where they are going, or who they are talking to?

Live in the "now" and not what your past told you about people, places, and things.  Take control over your mind when it wanders into old memories that upset you.  Tell yourself, "I will not think like that today...I need to start appreciating others...Put more love, joy and peace in my heart God!"

The problem with many chronic jealous black folks is they are wired with ignorant programming passed down from individuals who didn't bother to improve themselves, could care less about education, and was far too concerned about showing off like how they styled their hair, what cars they drive, and how they clothe themselves; rather than work on the issues going on inside them.

You can obtain new wiring and make a difference in your life and the lives of others if this work describes you, but if not, share it with someone who does reference.  Start listening to positive, inspirational music that celebrates your life.  Put your eyes into a good book or moving documentary that moves you toward a path of healing and bettering your sense of self! 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, She's Crazy and other books.

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