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Wednesday

How to Know He Still Loves His Ex

The quickest way to rip your lover’s heart out is to tell them that you are still in love with your ex.  However, some people think they are sparing themselves and their lover the dreaded “let’s sit down and talk” scene by simply not saying anything at all.  The following relationship scenarios are true and the names have been changed to protect the identities of those who have actually been hurt by men who still love their exs.  

Meet Darius, he has been in various short-lived relationships while dating his on again off again girlfriend, Tina.  The problem is Tiffany doesn’t know that Darius is not only still in love with his girlfriend, but he is still having sex with her.  After spending much time with Darius, going to restaurants, hanging out at his mother’s house, attending social events, Tiffany begins to notice that Darius is becoming difficult to reach by phone.  His excuse, he has been working long hours and promises they will go out again.  Being a busy college student herself and working, she understands and isn’t demanding about the two of them spending time with one another.

Then there is Kane, unlike Darius; he has shared with his girlfriend of almost two years, Leslie that he is still in love with the mother of his child, Fatima.  Despite his efforts to break up with Leslie, he can’t seem to let her go and neither can he let Fatima go either.  He always finds a way to get away from Leslie so that he can see the mother of his child.  He tells Leslie he is going to his friend’s house, and then when she calls him he can’t be reached.  One day Leslie discovers a Facebook page of a young woman left minimized on her computer.  She asks Kane about it.  He says that it is just Fatima’s page and that she just wanted him to check it out.  Leslie bothered by it, begins to question whether he still loves his child’s mother.  He admits he does, but there is nothing to their relationship anymore.  Meanwhile, he tells Leslie that he will be going to pick up his daughter from the mother’s house.  Leslie at times doesn’t see him for days.  His excuse, “I have been working…I had to help my brother with a few things…I needed some space…I have been spending time with my daughter…”

Both women are obviously under the impression that these men care for them.  They choose not to press the issue of what their gut may be telling them, “He is seeing another woman.”  Even if they find out the truth, the question remains will they allow themselves to break up with their men or will they ride the merry-go-round of break up to make up?

Tiffany eventually finds out about Darius, the hard way.  During a trip to the mall, she notices a tall man from a distance wearing what appears to be a rather unusual shirt she has seen before.  The man is standing with a woman who looks oddly like her.  The woman wears her hair back like her, her skin tone is the same color, she stands about the same height, and has the same build.  To be certain the man isn’t whom she thinks it is, she walks closer and unfortunately discovers that it is indeed Darius and his girlfriend whom she had never seen before.  Tempted she begins to walk over to the couple, but realizes she doesn’t want to make a scene; she stops close enough for Darius to get a view of her.  He sees her, he appears to look as if he is suddenly in a rush to usher his girlfriend Tina off, taking her by the arm affectionately.  Tiffany stands there appearing as if she is shopping, before she can raise her head, Darius is gone out the mall with the woman, her heart has sunk into her stomach.

After several months of allowing Kane to visit his ex, Leslie can’t do it anymore.  She has become bitter and resentful and has often picked arguments with Kane.  “Where are you going?   What are you doing?  Who are you doing it with?”  She tells him she wants him to quit seeing his ex.  Kane finally admits that he won’t stop and that he will have to end the relationship.  By this point, Leslie is not letting Kane go without a good fight.  She yells, cries, and cusses.  She reminds Kane of the sacrifices she has made to help him sort out his feelings.  After a few more times of breakup to make up and excuses of “coming over to pick up my things so I can have more make up sex,” Kane finally puts an end to the relationship.  Leslie is devastated, because through a mutual friend she has learned only weeks later after their break up, Kane is getting married.

What were the early signs that both women could have paid attention to that said, “I still love my ex?”  Let’s review.

He doesn’t make time for you when he has in the past.  Whenever you plan to go somewhere and he says, he can’t do it, he is too busy, we will catch up, etc.  He is saying these things, because he doesn’t know the other woman’s schedule, so he has to be available to her as well when she calls.

He is more interested in himself and his needs than yours.  If every time you want him to do something for you and he can’t, he is letting you know that what you want from him is unimportant.  He may also be needed by the other woman and may feel stressed with having to share money, time, sex, and other things.

He always has an excuse for being away, tardy, or breaking off engagements. (This sign is obvious if he is normally on time for everything.)  Look for patterns in his behavior.

He makes light of your “other woman” discoveries.  You find intimate notes online, offline, or text messages and he says we are just friends.  Someone tells you that they see him driving his ex’s car or riding with her and he makes an excuse such as “She needed a ride so I was helping her out.”  He doesn’t know how something owned by a woman got in his car, coat pocket, office, briefcase, or somewhere else.

He has sex with you without putting any future plans in action.  For instance, he promises to stop seeing an ex, yet you discover he is still seeing her.  He tells you that he loves you, but he is still doing things that hurt you.


He admits that he still loves her. When he is truthful about his feelings he has given you an option to stay with him or go.  He is hoping that you will stick around so that he can benefit from the both of you.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of many books including: She's Crazy and Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men.
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African American Planet: Relationships, Education, Products & Lifestyle by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at africanamericanplanet.blogspot.com.

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