Thursday
Saturday
Friday
Fatherless Son, Know When to Let Go: 7 Tips on Beginning the Path Toward Healing from an Emotionally Absent, Physically Distant Father
Jacob never knew his father. He died in a car accident before Jacob was born. His mother never talked about him, and when Jacob would ask, she would just cry. So, Jacob grew up without a father figure in his life.
As a child, Jacob always felt like he was missing something. He didn't feel complete. And because he never had a dad to look up to, he found it difficult to form relationships with other people. He always felt like he was on the outside looking in.
As an adult, Jacob decided to do some research on his father. He found out that his father was an emotionally absent and physically distant father to children he had with other women. This information made Jacob realize how much he really hadn't missed out on, he wasn't there for his sons and daughters either. Although Jacob wished he could have had a relationship with his father, but it was too late now, the man died.
Jacob decided to make peace with what his father could not do for him which was be present in his son's life. He also made peace with his father's untimely death and chose to continue to move on with his life. He knew that it would be difficult, but he was determined to find contentment. And eventually, he did, he had his own children with a lovely wife.
Although this fictional example does not speak to the countless challenges fatherless and daughters encounter as a result of their dads not being emotionally and/or physically present in their lives, the impact can not be ignored.
Consider the following:
1) Take the time to acknowledge the pain. Speak out loud to yourself. Interview you like someone would trying to get to the root of the problem. What hurts? Why does it hurt? Do you blame you, your father, your mother...? Why do you blame? What could have been done differently? Do you understand what your father's challenges were at the time? Would you like to move on? What do you think you should do to begin the path toward healing? Questions and responses can be penned in a journal to reflect. You can also use these in a therapy session or when writing a personal memoir.
2) Find out areas where you struggle with personal and professional relationships and work to be a better person. Chances are you broke up with someone, may have quit or lost jobs, and had other challenges that looked a lot like some of the men in your family or neighborhood. There may be other mounting issues that are stagnating mentally and spiritually growth that tie back to childhood.
3) Avoid dwelling on what your father did or didn't do for you. Instead, choose to say something positive about yourself and what your goals are in life. Often bringing up how your dad "wasn't there, he was on drugs, he left you and the family hungry, he cheated, he this...he that..." does nothing more than set you back and irritate those around you who want nothing more than for you to live your best version of yourself! Negative conversations in the long term bring you and your family down.
4) Apologize whenever possible if you have upset your relatives and friends by lashing out or saying or doing something similar to your father or other negative men. Work hard not to repeat the toxic behaviors.
5) Seek counseling whenever possible. Professionals are experts in problem-solving and provide effective ways of coping when the past has a way of triggering you emotionally.
6) If you feel that nothing is working, visit a doctor. There may be health challenges you inherited from your father that you are not aware of as to why he was not the best partner to your mother (or other women) or a good worker at his workplace.
7) Don't give up on striving to have a quality relationship with your wife or children's mother. You can do this by listening rather than arguing--not every response deserves an answer. Remember your children (and possibly grandchildren) are watching and listening. You want them to see a father who shows love rather than make war with those he claims he cares for.
With these tips hopefully you will be the one that your loved ones will remember you by saying, "He was a great dad and he showed just how much he loved us. He listened and genuinely cared about our feelings and what we wanted out of life. I am so grateful to have known this man!"
Nicholl McGuire is blog owner and contributor of this blog. She is also the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.
Saturday
Thursday
Friday
12 Popular African American Business Websites and Entertainment to Help You Connect with Other Black Business Professionals
There are a number of popular African American websites that people can use to connect with others and get information on issues that matter to the black community. Consider using these websites, which also are available as apps, to connect with other black businesses, learn about black history, and find solutions to current issues that affect the black community. These apps provide a space for African Americans to come together and support one another.
1.Buy Black Movement: A website that unites black business owners and customers. Surf the site and check out great products! Let them know that you support black businesses.
2. Ebony Magazine: This website offers access to the latest issue of Ebony magazine as well as back issues, special features, and more. Enjoy reading feature articles and videos about African American culture, news, and issues.
3. Black Wall Street: A website that celebrates African American business and entrepreneurship. It also provides information about the historic black neighborhood in Tulsa, Oklahoma that was destroyed by a race riot in 1921. It includes photos, video footage, articles, and more.
4. Calendly: This app helps you book and organize those meetings. You will need this as your network grows!
5. Black Shopping Networks: A shopping app that connects shoppers with black-owned businesses around the country. It includes a directory of businesses, event listings, and news.
6. Black Enterprise: This app provides access to the latest issue of Black Enterprise magazine as well as back issues, special features, and more. The content is geared towards African American entrepreneurs and professionals.
7. The National Urban League: This app provides information about the National Urban League, its mission, and its programs. It also includes news and event listings in African American communities and provides resources and support to urban residents.
The following apps provide different levels of information regarding African American history.
8. Black America Web: Provides news and historical information specifically for African Americans.
9. The Grio: Offers news, opinion, and entertainment specifically for African Americans.
10. TV One: Targets African American viewers with programming that includes both classic and contemporary black films, documentaries, and series.
11. Black Planet Connects African-American singles who seek friendships, networking or finding love.
12. National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP): Works to end racial discrimination and ensure equal opportunity for all people.
Of course, other popular social apps with huge African American community networks include: Twitter, Instagram, Linked In, and Facebook for connecting with African American business owners and other communities. Check them all out, they have been instrumental in building social networks around the globe!
Nicholl McGuire is the owner and contributor of this blog, author of Floral Beauty on a Dead-End Street, and other nonfiction and poetry publications. Follow @nichollarticles on Twitter.
Wednesday
Thursday
Happy Black Business Month!
Black Business Month is celebrated annually in the United States to honor the contributions of black-owned businesses to the economy. This year, the monthlong celebration runs from August 1st to September 30th. During Black Business Month, businesses and consumers are encouraged to support black-owned businesses through increased spending and investment. This is a vital time for black-owned businesses, as they are often undervalued and underserved by the mainstream business community.
In the United States, black-owned businesses make up less than 5% of all businesses. However, these businesses generate nearly $300 billion in annual revenue and employ over 2 million people. While black business owners have made significant strides, there is still room for improvement. In particular, black-owned businesses tend to be smaller and have fewer employees than their white counterparts. Additionally, they often struggle to access capital and face barriers to growth. Nevertheless, Black Business Month is a time to celebrate the successes of black entrepreneurs and look forward to a bright future. By patronizing black-owned businesses during this month, we can help to close the wealth gap and create more opportunities for black entrepreneurs. So, let's celebrate Black Business Month by supporting the businesses that are powering our economy!
Take the time to put in the search window "local black businesses" in your city, state. Visit the business and interview the people who work there to see if it is in fact a black-owned business. Unfortunately, we did find several businesses online and one offline was not a black-owned business even though all businesses did sell merchandise that appealed to African American shoppers. Be mindful of the deception out there.
Happy shopping!
Wednesday
Black Excellence or Ignorance? Which Do You Prefer to Lead in Your Organization
I'm here, down in the dirty south! I hear the dirty talk, I see the dirty walk, and I shudder at the thought that some dirty people might get hit by cars if they continue to walk dressed in all black on these here dirty roads with no sidewalks--but I digress.
So, you stopped by the blog today, thanks! Black excellence, let me pause. Black ignorance, still pausing. I'm not feeling some of our people right now especially those in hire and fire positions with little management experience, no moral compass, and way too many distractions including what they do in their free time that eats up their brain cells daily--some of ya'll know what I'm talking about!
Here we go again, writing about nasty attitudes coming from our people! What's up? Someone spray painted around town, "Smile N*gga!" and drew a long nose that looked like a male body part. I guess he was thinking what I was thinking, "Does it hurt to be nice?" A gentleman was shocked that my sons asked him, "How are you?" A woman at a store was impressed that I greeted her all cheery and stuff, so she said--lol! "I hope you stay that way, where you from?" She hadn't seen my kind in these parts, and she was black--you thought I was going to say white, nope!
Is it just me or is the "excellence" and "ignorance" morphing together into some kind of hybrid that is creating a mean monster? A kind of person who is smart, but ignorant at the same time, because they feel they have to be? A type of evil that is more wicked than the last. So hurt, confused, used and abused that he or she will do or say almost anything to be happy for two minutes before plummeting to death his or her fellow brother or sister with curse words or worse gunfire over a mistake or an insult?
There has always been the lingering thought, among some of our people, that in the black community in order for the professional black man and woman to co-exist among the brethren, who are not-so blessed, one must dumb his or herself down at times--"keep it real" every now and again to remind offenders that he or she has a background "in these streets" then proceed to act tough. Shall we ponder that for a moment?
I liked the way "black excellence" was once promoted by elitists, A-listers, pastors, and the fraternal groups, where we don't let the world know or show everything dirty. Instead, we put our best and brightest out there to shine and represent for us all. Yet, ignorance has their platform filled with silly, stupid, ignorant, stereotypical, and so on kind of folk! They get views, they sell products and services, they help you half-ass at the service desk, the local restaurant and wherever dollars are accepted without a smile or so much as a "Thank you for your business, please come again!" Some of you still support the foolishness anyway because of the color of one's skin not the content of their character. MLK is probably rolling in his grave!
Those of you whose parents were strict with you growing up, showed you what black excellence looked and acted like by embodying black excellence--can I get an amen? Those of you who remembered the consequences of acting "simple, stupid dumb, foolish..." in their presence recall the pain. Some of you parents and grandparents fought and continue to fight to prevent such tomfoolery from entering your camps! However, it is a landslide victory these days that ignorant, rude and uneducated people are being promoted for nothing more than cheap wages and the color of their skin because supposedly they are relatable. How about they were forced on us by using powerful tools to tell us all about them?
Some of these foolish men and women are all-too willing to take low-paying jobs, because they are just "grateful," "never made that kind of money before," "never lived or shopped in a community like this..." So, the poor and uneducated are relatable to those who are like them and entertaining to those who are not.
"Where's your manager? No, you don't understand what I'm asking nor what I need. Please don't fake that you know, you don't. Where's your manager? You are the manager...what?!"
We are all suffering because a group mixed up giving one a chance with giving ignorance a chance. It isn't any wonder why there is a high turnover at many of the establishments we shop, now is it? We don't want to work with "a chance," trust our hard-earned dollars with "a chance" or invest in "a chance." What we want is to work with knowledgeable professionals who know what they are doing and if not, retrain or terminate--just that simple!
Pay black excellence what they are worth in every industry and just maybe they will return back to workplaces all across our land, but if not, then we all continue to suffer in checkout lines, over-the-phone and out in these streets!
Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and the author of Know Your Enemy the Christian's Critic and When Mothers Cry.
Wednesday
Pills to Help Cope with Personal Challenges - My Experience
2019 would be the last time that I felt completely like myself. It wouldn't be until early 2022, that I would feel like my old self. What happened?
When my personal, as well as professional challenges, were increasingly becoming more demanding and I didn't seem to feel
any better with on and off again illnesses, I visited a doctor in February
2020. I found out that I had needed a hysterotomy and learned around the
same time that many of my coworkers had covid symptoms.
I suspected I had covid too back when we called
covid symptoms "a bug" or "flu," our staff didn't know what
the illness was that gave us a variety of symptoms including loss of smell and
taste during December 2019 January 2020. Meanwhile, as parents
were told that our children were to remain at home for the rest of the school
year. Of course, most students began to perform poorly. As if that
wasn't enough, at my former apartment management job around that time, I
received visits from parents who wondered what local colleges and universities
were going to do if covid cases increased, because they didn't want to be
responsible for apartment lease contracts if the schools were going to close
and send their children home.
I as well as others I knew seemed to be feeling
out of sorts, not ourselves. Our minds were confused at times,
forgetful. We were unhappy at times more than happy. Our futures
were uncertain. Then people started dying.
In 2019 according to Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration, 6.5 million African Americans had a mental illness and/or substance use disorder (SUD), an increase of 10.1% over 2018 composed of increases in SUD and mental illness.
There was only so much that I could take into my mind. I felt
like I was sinking fast at the time. However, as more people began to
talk about what they were going through in media, gradually I saw some positive
changes in some people including myself.
Since 2020, it has been a breath of fresh air to
see that life coaches, doctors, counselors, psychologists, ministers, and
others are doing more to support people specifically the African American and
Latin communities who suffer with things like anxiety, and emotional instability,
nervousness, and fear. However, the Band-Aid fixes using prescription
medicines, well depending on the person, don't always have the benefits that
outweigh the risks.
As my own personal and professional challenges
began to mount during 2020 going into 2021, one of the doctors I visited, prescribed
“magic pills," an antidepressant, and an estrogen supplement back in February
2020. A dentist prescribed more pills that same year for infection and
painkillers until I could get an appointment for my root canal (a previous
dentist drilled too deep in my mouth to fix a cavity). Yes, the pain, the
pain! All of which I got taken care of that year.
I remained on the antidepressant for about eight
months (from February to September 2020). The other pills about a
month. Three times a day taking an antidepressant to get through the day
and all the rest to help manage pain and infection, I was having an out-of-body experience most days.
I must admit I was not who I had been prior to
taking all those medicines. The antidepressant had brought on its share
of mania including trouble sleeping, excessive happiness, and racing
thoughts. It also gave me unusual behaviors like believing I was someone
else and feeling confused at times when people spoke to me and what I was
supposed to do next. It also brought about more vision problems to the
point that now I wear glasses. There was also one very important thing that the
antidepressant did, it caused me to no longer write like this. A simple
sentence was okay, but a blog post, article, a report, a poem, a song...no
way! It was too much effort to sit and concentrate on creative
tasks. I recall spending way too long trying to fill out a template for a
creative flier even with the words present to copy.
Creativity is no more when you are
medicated. You also don't have much feeling for others. I was
pretty much ready to delete everything that I created while on the
medicine. In 2021, I began withdrawal, I had fought with all sorts of
emotions including paranoia and unusually grand ideas that I couldn't recall
weeks later. In addition, while taking the medicine, I learned that I had
high blood pressure, and heart palpitations every now and again and felt tired more
so after eating initially, because something was happening with my blood sugar
that hadn't occurred prior to taking the medicine. There was no off
button prescribed as to when I was done taking the medicine. The comment
from the doctor was, “Why were you ever off any of it, to begin with?”
Years ago, I was given different types of antidepressants,
and each gave me similar side effects. One was so bad that all I ever
wanted to do was sleep and I had no sex drive and no orgasm while on that
medicine. One doctor thought it was necessary to prescribe it because I
was going through postpartum like behaviors for months after the babies had been
born. I never understood why they thought just one week of highs and lows
and I, or any mother, would just be fine afterward so they had sent me home
with babies and no medicine until I showed back up with a lot on my mind,
read When Mothers Cry.
Anyway, I took the pills--for how long I don't
remember exactly (less than a year), but what helped me more so was getting
away from the babies for months to collect myself and manage my own mind, body,
and soul so I could return to care for them. Fast forward to February
2020, almost two decades later, there I was told to take pills again with no cutoff
date.
What I have learned is that pills, like
counselors, have their place for a time in your life (if you are willing to
accept) depending on one's condition, but they are not meant to be used often,
in excess, or for most people, for the rest of their lives. There are aids
for a season in your life, but once a person has demonstrated that they are
perfectly capable of caring for themselves, there are healthy alternatives that
don't involve pills and controlling people.
All pills and caretakers don't fit all.
When you can manage your life, you are also able to make the kind of decisions
that are most beneficial for yourself such as having faith, and a support system
that is more concerned about your health and not so much about your money or
service.
Your peace of mind and the free time to think
apart from others is most important, so take care of yourself when you
can!
Nicholl McGuire has an online store of beautiful
artwork and useful household products, Stillness Gifts.
She is also the owner and contributor of this blog.
Friday
Ginuwine, R.L., Tyrese, Case - The Best Man I Can Be [positive music]
Jaheim - Put That Woman First (Official Music Video) | Warner Records
Saturday
Behind the Dreaded Will Smith Slap - The Academy Didn't Forget
Years of being America's apple pie, Will Smith, took a career step backward with one slap! Innately he had had enough of the act, you heard the speech. It was all there! The pain, anger, confusion, abuse...laugh it off, right? In a moment of rage, after witnessing his wife's demeanor, he chose to take it all out on the court jester. The dark side could not be contained especially when you play the role of a man who had quite the challenge trying to gain the respect and attention of white people in a primarily white world and using his black daughters to do so!
"This fool is running his mouth about my wife...I guess it's not-so funny, she's not laughing." It was apparent from Will's laugh turned frown as he walked up to that stage.
When I witnessed, like many of you, the slap scene, I thought of the men and women who dress in costume ready to entertain people only to be a punching bag for a few. People look for a target to unleash their fury on and that night Chris Rock was it! There is always more behind a joke than meets the eye! Had it been anyone else, he would have been arrested on the spot. These men had a history maybe a personal beef. Both have been used pawns in the game and pawns know pawns. There are some things and people you just don't talk about.
In order to fully understand the tension in the room one would have to revisit 2016. Back then, non-white actors had not been nominated for a single award. This wasn't a first-time, there is a long history of black and brown being casted for roles but overlooked no matter how good you might think their performances. Therefore, a plan to boycott the Oscars was erected that included Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, Spike Lee, and others. These award show creators, investors, and attendees didn't forget the shame casted on them!
Back in 2016, Chris Rock knew exactly what he was doing to trivilize Jada and others' efforts to bring attention to the biasness with his jokes. He was quite the grateful one during that not so distant past! He was making his own personal strides by being the first black emcee to host the Academy Award Show. So of course, a boycott being organized the same time when a successful black comedian was making history, well that's not good for him or the historically prejudice establishment that hired him. So what does a vengeful group/individual do? Be vengeful, cast shame on those ungrateful ones! You have a black emcee, what more do you want? Jada, Will and Chris had all worked together as actors on other projects in the past. Therefore, they were aware of the many struggles in entertainment world and most likely had shared their personal opinions with one another off-camera. Naturally, if you knew your coworkers and/or friends' woes you wouldn't want to be teased about them, now would you?
Fast forward to 2022, Chris Rock didn't forget about the boycott plans and neither did Will Smith or Jada Pinkett forget what he said back in 2016 about her. However, it wouldn't have been so bad had the comedian kept the entertainer's wife's name out of his mouth. There was no reason to joke about Jada since it wasn't her night, but was there? Chris Rock knows all-too-well how the hidden hand rejoices in insulting behaviors and mean-spirited roasts, and he fed into it and so did Will!
We viewed two black men: one insulting the wife and the other insulting his jaw. Now what do you make of that? Who was talking to both men out of view before that night? Who stirred up the pot? Who was aware that Jada would be very angry about this? Think of this, a shamed white organization, a shamed black comedian and a disappointed black group turned angry because they aren't in the club but of the club...what do you think a powerful white group who doesn't agree with how they are being labeled is going to do under pressure? They will find a way to shame you later rather than sooner. They don't forget either i.e.) 911 never forget.
By instigating anger already hidden within and then that anger reaching an apex, one feeds into the angry archetypes depicted by other ethnicities who have already envisioned what that looks like and who will find a way to justify why those people were not invited or recognized at their establishment in the first place! To gain control of the rage, black fellow helping hands are used to calm the storm that white power players create. It doesn't take much to rile sensitive blacks up so they have learned, so they know to get people who look like them around to manage the situation. It also doesn't take much to pit black people against one another especially when they already have beef i.e.) Tupac and Biggie. Finally, it doesn't take much to keep black people in their place i.e.) Bill Cosby, Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson.
This new generation coming along sees whatever is before them such as two men fighting rather than two rich, powerful, aging, out-spoken black men fighting at an award show that has been predominately white for decades. What that means is that these men will be put in their graves prematurely along with whatever accomplishments they have achieved by their associations. These men will also have to deal with financial setbacks that will not empower the next generation because their money tree will be plucked to do activities that don't make long-lasting wealth. They will be mentally and physically drained so much as they age that they will not be able to join forces with powerful back groups to continue to cast the bright light on America's dark history.
The new age young blacks are simply embarrassed by events. They are less likely to think deeply regarding such incidents, because they consider themselves equal to whites. Those who know better, know that there are some things you just don't say or do especially if you are black if you want to protest, win favor, shine the light on lies, coverups, and secrets in white circles. After all these years, these men failed miserably.
Rise up new generation and realize when you want to get something done, don't forget there is a "white" way to do it in a white club/organization/workplace/group! Recognize the tricks and treats early on to sabatoge efforts to promote change. Resist the temptation to fight your brother in the process. You may all have a common foe so stay focused on the end goal and don't be distracted by teasing, lies, losses, and an embarassing personal history.
Nicholl McGuire
Friday
Remember the Celebrities who Adopted Black Babies?
When we saw more and more white celebrities adopting black babies during the 90s and 2000s, some of us didn't think too much of it. "That's good...Our people aren't doing too much to help those poor black kids in other countries, we have enough problems in this one." However, fast forward and have you noticed some odd things about those adopted babies back then and now?
Think of this, those poor black children are now rich with may things that we can only imagine, but beneath the surface they have not only past traumas but new challanges they face in a world that still isn't so embracing of African Americans no matter how much education, training, opportunity, and connections they have obtained.
Of course, not all of these children turned adults are far-out there in the way they dress, speak and behave. Feel free to think about some of those behaviors on your own and please don't reason that what you see is the natural order of life. I couldn't help but think of psychological brainwashing, media manipulation, celebrity power and control used to separate them mentally and physically to push the public to support hedonistic lifestyles, push political agendas and to meet occultic groups private fetishes. Poor children in more ways than one!
What type of things did these celebrity kids witness in their parents home and elsewhere? What or who influenced them while their parents were performing around the world? All-too-often we hear of children in celebrity world used and abused. I pondered on what the intentions were, from the start, of specifically targeting black babies for some A-listers who were already going through their share of personal challenges. Those black babies weren't pets, the latest trend-setters, or something to keep around just so that you could say, "I have a black child." The purpose was greater in the eyes of a view, "I could use my child to break the mold..." but at whose expense and what exactly are you breaking, Celebrity parent? The hearts of many who can see that you recruited a puppet just like yourself!
What better way then to groom these black babies to grow up to be influencers who look just like you and me? Therefore, what is being pushed is easier to digest because they assume we are simple-minded enough to accept just about whatever is put in front of us given the history in how easily we embrace ignorance and foolishness in music, fashion, movies, sports, etc.
Put yourself in their shoes, these celebrities--many who have personality disorders, you adopt a rainbow of children who will then be hand-picked to be used to push controversial agendas, sell strange products and services, teach disturbing things, preach convulted messages peppered with religious statements, invent hurtful devices in the long or short-term, and do much more that supposedly "help others". The unsuspecting public will go along with programming because you, the child or both are likeable. But what if you aren't? Be sure to either never assume the last name of the parent or leave it out so as not to be connected to the not-so agreeable celebrity.
These black babies were not only adopted but brought into the fold of a sinister system. One that is known for it's various new inventions and programs that are tested on people all-too-willing to be a part of many things that have yet been received by the majority and would be considered highly risky and controversial. Why would any parent whether biological or not sign up their child for such things? Simply put, they are accustomed to their lavish lifestyles, social connections, and favor among powerful groups. Therefore, if the child can be of benefit to the establishment, then why not?
During biblical times, it was common among those who worshipped false gods to sacrifice their children. This hasn't changed! If you have ever been exposed to an impovershied community or a rich one, children for many selfish individuals are not that important unless they can make money for the family and not be a burden. They are trained so as to not speak out about their abuses and are reminded that if it wasn't for their rescuer they would still be out in the street, left for dead, or with the troubled parent back in their hometown that didn't want them. Constant belittling statements that make these adopted black children feel inferior will break their wills and cause abnormal dependence on their abusers.
Looking back, we may have thought it was so kind of the rich, white celebrity to do such a wonderful thing, but now I see, with many, their so-called humanitarian effort, to help those poor black children, through a different lense. Hats off to those who genuinely protect, love and care for these children, but woe to those who don't!
Yours truly with both eyes wide open,
Nicholl
Thanks for reading :)
African American Planet: Relationships, Education, Products & Lifestyle by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at africanamericanplanet.blogspot.com.
