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Tuesday

When They Want to Be Your Friend...


"I don't think I have ever been friends with a black person before," she told me a few weeks into my stay at a college in a rural town outside of Chicago back in 1992. "Really?" At 18 years old, a freshman, I was still naive about what white people and other non-blacks' experiences with African American people (or lack thereof) was really like. I mean, in my mind back then, I thought that all whites had associated with non-whites at some point in their lives, but I was wrong. These white people I encountered were from some of the smallest towns in the United States and I would be the first black person they would meet in person. The most the young white woman knew about black people was from watching a show called, Martin, back in the early nineties and viewing MTV. "So why do black people wear so much jewelry...is it true they all like watermellon and chicken...my dad would kill me if I ever went out with a black guy...I don't trust them, I mean not you, but those others--they steal..."

Back in my early college years, I felt I had to represent for all black people. I was the only black in a double suite that I shared with three white females. I was one of three blacks who lived on our floor and on most days I didn't interact with blacks since many of my classes I was the only black. So when you aren't socializing much with your own kind, you tend to gravitate to those around you and adopt some of their mannerisms whether you know it or not. I will never forget when I came back to my small town and visited my grandmother and she said, "You talk funny now." Some of you know exactly what that means, "You talking white." Hanging out with non-blacks was somewhat of a benefit for me, because I was beginning to learn more about them and they seemed to be genuinely interested in being my friend back in college.

During those early 90s, I realized why mega African American stars like Oprah got so far in life--they knew how to adapt. Toss back that hair, laugh the corny laugh, kiss a cheek or two, flatter someone, wear something appealing, and talk money, people will listen! It doesn't matter that you didn't use a preposition in a sentence that needed one in your conversation or forgot to enunciate "the" and "this" and instead it came out duh and dis when you talked, just keep on smiling, "Make 'em laugh!" I learned quickly. Before long, people wanted me to join their groups and come with them to happy hour. Was I a sell-out back then? Not quite, because I found a few campus groups eventually that did have some black representation.

There were plenty of invites from non-blacks to attend alcohol serving social events--that's where I drew the line and even now I'm not interested. Some of us know how folks act when they drink too much and I wasn't about to get turned out by someone in their dorm, raped at a party, or used for entertainment for some racist non-blacks to tease. I recall a black friend telling me once, "Watch out they might slip up and call you a n*gga!" Funny, one of my friends at another college had that happen and she blackened the white boy's eye. They both got suspended for a time, but by the time the college investigated the matter, he was still on campus and she was permanently expelled. Go figure!?

I don't mind being an acquaintance in any relationship, but a friend...hmm, I have to think about that one. It sounds so personal to me nowadays. It means that I have to open up to folks, I don't know in order to start a friendship. It's easy to type something on a screen, but sit down and seriously befriend someone, while praying they won't be offended by every little thing that comes out of my mouth, well I don't know. It was stressful back then trying to stay on my best behavior for our people while standing before non-blacks. Now that I am older, I don't know if I even care anymore.

When I think of my children, I try my best not to inundate them with a whole lot of "us" and "they" conversation, but I do find myself reminding them who they are and how the world sees them and it isn't always about being an athlete or a musician either. (Oooo, I'm so tired of that!) As quick as some people want to be your friend, they can also become an enemy of yours for a number of reasons based on the ignorance that their grandparents and parents passed down to them. So I advise my children to keep their eyes open and not be so trusting of everyone no matter how nice whether black, white or otherwise. And most of all, I tell them you don't have to sing runs, act simple or play ball to win anyone's approval either.

Nicholl McGuire
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African American Planet: Relationships, Education, Products & Lifestyle by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at africanamericanplanet.blogspot.com.

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