Thursday
Wednesday
"I'm Not Asking, I'm Telling You to Go" When Relationships Take an Ugly Turn
He said that he loved her, would take care of her, and help his woman through a tough time, but his empty promises have left her bitter.
She claimed that she was a good woman, and would appreciate her man, and love him, but it wasn't that long ago when she was spotted kissing another dude.
There comes a point when the threats of breaking up, become real! "I'm not asking you to go, I'm telling you to!" a partner says. There is no more hoping, praying, wishing, and waiting for someone to change, you just draw the line in the sand! Enough is enough! Yet, our people, that is black folks, will keep beating a dead horse so to speak. Some will literally beat one another up!
For days, weeks, and even years, a couple will cut each other the eye, lie to one another, bad-mouth each other, and cheat, while still promising to be that "good man" or woman to one another. The cycle of emotional and physical abuse goes around and around. He hits her, he apologizes, then he treats her nicely for a time, and then they are back at it again. "I hate you! I wish your ugly a^* would just leave! Stop coming around! Go to that b*tch! Leave me alone!" Then the screaming match ends, both individuals separate for a time, and then one day they see one another. "Hey, how you doing? Looking good. What you been up to? How about we get together and catch up?" The door is open then Crazy and Stupid get back together again while hoping relatives and friends give their blessings.
If this sounds like your relationship, sorry I don't mean to offend, but everybody needs a wake up call every now and then. Someone in the maze of break up to make up has to stop the game-playing and ask one's self the hard questions, "What is wrong with me that I keep letting this person back in my life again? Why do I believe what he/she tells me when I know that it is a lie? Why do I feel the need to be with someone right now? Is my life just that bad? Can I do some things differently?"
Many educated African American men and women could do so well in life if they didn't have partners who were envious, bitter, broken, angry, and more. Some of these couples are mentally disturbed. Years of drug use have corrupted their minds and bodies. So a person who is illogical, irrational, and ignorant is not someone who has a proper understanding of what a functional relationship looks like. Sure, they might know how to pass a college exam, but when it comes to Relationship 101, they are dumb. The only thing they can do is think of people they know or watch television shows to get some idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. Then they attempt to emulate what they see and far too often their efforts are an epic failure!
When the time comes to have "the talk," be sure that if you are the one who is in a dysfunctional relationship with a troubled individual that you are indeed ready to leave. So many people end up creating even more drama for themselves, because they lead a partner on, they act as if they can be friends after being lovers for a time. This doesn't work when someone is emotionally and physically tied to another to the point that they can't even give the person breathing room.
Most people who are still in love with their partners will not act rationally at least not in the beginning of a break up, so prepare yourself. It takes some time to get over someone, but the key is to get over, so you can move on! "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you to leave...and I don't want you anymore--I mean it this time." Let your actions, speak louder than your words.
Nicholl McGuire, see other writings here. Listen to audio here.
She claimed that she was a good woman, and would appreciate her man, and love him, but it wasn't that long ago when she was spotted kissing another dude.
There comes a point when the threats of breaking up, become real! "I'm not asking you to go, I'm telling you to!" a partner says. There is no more hoping, praying, wishing, and waiting for someone to change, you just draw the line in the sand! Enough is enough! Yet, our people, that is black folks, will keep beating a dead horse so to speak. Some will literally beat one another up!
For days, weeks, and even years, a couple will cut each other the eye, lie to one another, bad-mouth each other, and cheat, while still promising to be that "good man" or woman to one another. The cycle of emotional and physical abuse goes around and around. He hits her, he apologizes, then he treats her nicely for a time, and then they are back at it again. "I hate you! I wish your ugly a^* would just leave! Stop coming around! Go to that b*tch! Leave me alone!" Then the screaming match ends, both individuals separate for a time, and then one day they see one another. "Hey, how you doing? Looking good. What you been up to? How about we get together and catch up?" The door is open then Crazy and Stupid get back together again while hoping relatives and friends give their blessings.
If this sounds like your relationship, sorry I don't mean to offend, but everybody needs a wake up call every now and then. Someone in the maze of break up to make up has to stop the game-playing and ask one's self the hard questions, "What is wrong with me that I keep letting this person back in my life again? Why do I believe what he/she tells me when I know that it is a lie? Why do I feel the need to be with someone right now? Is my life just that bad? Can I do some things differently?"
Many educated African American men and women could do so well in life if they didn't have partners who were envious, bitter, broken, angry, and more. Some of these couples are mentally disturbed. Years of drug use have corrupted their minds and bodies. So a person who is illogical, irrational, and ignorant is not someone who has a proper understanding of what a functional relationship looks like. Sure, they might know how to pass a college exam, but when it comes to Relationship 101, they are dumb. The only thing they can do is think of people they know or watch television shows to get some idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. Then they attempt to emulate what they see and far too often their efforts are an epic failure!
When the time comes to have "the talk," be sure that if you are the one who is in a dysfunctional relationship with a troubled individual that you are indeed ready to leave. So many people end up creating even more drama for themselves, because they lead a partner on, they act as if they can be friends after being lovers for a time. This doesn't work when someone is emotionally and physically tied to another to the point that they can't even give the person breathing room.
Most people who are still in love with their partners will not act rationally at least not in the beginning of a break up, so prepare yourself. It takes some time to get over someone, but the key is to get over, so you can move on! "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you to leave...and I don't want you anymore--I mean it this time." Let your actions, speak louder than your words.
Nicholl McGuire, see other writings here. Listen to audio here.
Saturday
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: How to Know Your Boyfriend Doesn't Love You
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: How to Know Your Boyfriend Doesn't Love You: What is your definition of love? How do you determine whether a person loves you or not? Many people define love based on what they have wi...
Friday
Sissy, Punk, and Mama's Boy - When Junior has His Daddy's Ways
Unfortunately as a child, I heard male relatives raised by their moms and grandma be called things like, "Sissy, Punk, Mama's Boy..." and also that other word that begins with an "F." It was sad to watch a few of these boys walk away from adult bullies with tears in their eyes while others tried to prove they were tough with fists up.
As I grew older, I could see why some of those boys turned men were called such bad names. It was as if they lived what they had been called out. The Sissy was just like the women he grew up around. The Punk would back down from any confrontation. The Mama's Boy was always doing what his Mama told him even when he didn't want to and sometimes he acted just like his Mama.
Although the issues were real and true, the name-calling was unnecessary. Funny, some of these young males had their daddy's name! So there was a deep-rooted anger there with some of the fathers. Junior didn't turn out to be like his daddy or he was either too much like his daddy depending on who you spoke to.
As much as I wanted to believe that some of these young men were going to be okay later in life, I later learned of the damage of their fathers not being pro-active in their lives. Daddy was either too busy chasing skirts, money, or a new opportunity, he didn't believe that he needed to spend quality time with his sons--that was Mama's job. However, Mama was cooking, cleaning, working outside the home, helping with homework, assisting other relatives, and more, how was she supposed to keep up? A few too many dads had the luxury of coming home from work and plopping in front of television screens and coming and going as they pleased while leaving an already frustrated and tired mom to care for kids.
There is a serious epidemic within the black community that is still very much present and it always comes back to fathers needing to spend time with children. The epidemic is no love, no patience, and no time. The poison spreads into intimate relationships, parenting, work performance, Christian counseling, and more. When related issues are raised Junior's dad becomes defensive. He acts rude and threatens to walk away. He doesn't want to face the truth. He places blame, fights with the mother of his children, and takes out some of his issues on others. He believes that a drink, a new woman, and more money will solve every problem he has including a poor relationship with his children.
It is my prayer that African American men who have watched their prideful, selfish and ignorant fathers over the years handle women, money, children, and more will stop deceiving themselves! Stop believing that emulating and being obedient to the man who called you a Sissy, Punk or Mama's Boy will heal the absence of love within. You just can't win a father's love by acting abusive mentally and physically like him to those who really do mean you well. Humble yourself and love and respect your wife/baby's mom and children--it isn't their fault for why you feel the way that you do about family. Lastly, be genuinely active in your children's lives (not just for lights and cameras, public opinion and holidays), life is too short!
Nicholl McGuire also maintains Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate blog.
As I grew older, I could see why some of those boys turned men were called such bad names. It was as if they lived what they had been called out. The Sissy was just like the women he grew up around. The Punk would back down from any confrontation. The Mama's Boy was always doing what his Mama told him even when he didn't want to and sometimes he acted just like his Mama.
Although the issues were real and true, the name-calling was unnecessary. Funny, some of these young males had their daddy's name! So there was a deep-rooted anger there with some of the fathers. Junior didn't turn out to be like his daddy or he was either too much like his daddy depending on who you spoke to.
As much as I wanted to believe that some of these young men were going to be okay later in life, I later learned of the damage of their fathers not being pro-active in their lives. Daddy was either too busy chasing skirts, money, or a new opportunity, he didn't believe that he needed to spend quality time with his sons--that was Mama's job. However, Mama was cooking, cleaning, working outside the home, helping with homework, assisting other relatives, and more, how was she supposed to keep up? A few too many dads had the luxury of coming home from work and plopping in front of television screens and coming and going as they pleased while leaving an already frustrated and tired mom to care for kids.
There is a serious epidemic within the black community that is still very much present and it always comes back to fathers needing to spend time with children. The epidemic is no love, no patience, and no time. The poison spreads into intimate relationships, parenting, work performance, Christian counseling, and more. When related issues are raised Junior's dad becomes defensive. He acts rude and threatens to walk away. He doesn't want to face the truth. He places blame, fights with the mother of his children, and takes out some of his issues on others. He believes that a drink, a new woman, and more money will solve every problem he has including a poor relationship with his children.
It is my prayer that African American men who have watched their prideful, selfish and ignorant fathers over the years handle women, money, children, and more will stop deceiving themselves! Stop believing that emulating and being obedient to the man who called you a Sissy, Punk or Mama's Boy will heal the absence of love within. You just can't win a father's love by acting abusive mentally and physically like him to those who really do mean you well. Humble yourself and love and respect your wife/baby's mom and children--it isn't their fault for why you feel the way that you do about family. Lastly, be genuinely active in your children's lives (not just for lights and cameras, public opinion and holidays), life is too short!
Nicholl McGuire also maintains Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate blog.
Thursday
Black Women: Favoring Black Men, Hating their Sisters
They will give a man the pass, make a deal, sleep with him, befriend the player, and all the while hate their own kind, black women who favor men.
"I just can't get along with women...I can't stand them...I mean I can tolerate some females, but you know how they can be." These women-hating women are the ones who will not cut any slack when it comes to dealing with women in fields like: customer service, hospitality, childcare, publishing, law, manufacturing, housekeeping, and any other industry. They just love men! They favor them so much that they will even risk their jobs just to cut a man a break!
When a woman who has the same problem/concern that a man has approaches the women-hating type, she will cut him slack on a bill, give him the best part of the meat, serve him with a smile, laugh at his jokes, and offer him additional assistance including sex. But when it comes to her sister, her attitude is negative, she doesn't care much about the quality of work she is providing, and will not bend the rules under any circumstances to help her sister like she did her brother.
These women, who favor men, often find themselves having to: cover up their schemes, unfair treatment, gift-giving, trickery, and more. They will throw anyone under the bus who questions their actions. They are typically careful about hiding their true feelings about other women, but sometimes they slip up in the way that they respond to other women. A happy greeting toward a man and small talk, quickly leaves when she is expected to perform the same action with a woman. She is often fault-finding when it comes to women at the workplace, church, and even in her own family. She will lie or exaggerate stories to cover for a man she has "hooked up." She will pretend as if she treats everyone the same.
Watch out for women who are all smiles when it comes to men and all frowns when it comes to their own kind. The minute you cross them, they will find a way to pay you back. It is best not to accept their so-called favors.
Nicholl McGuire
"I just can't get along with women...I can't stand them...I mean I can tolerate some females, but you know how they can be." These women-hating women are the ones who will not cut any slack when it comes to dealing with women in fields like: customer service, hospitality, childcare, publishing, law, manufacturing, housekeeping, and any other industry. They just love men! They favor them so much that they will even risk their jobs just to cut a man a break!
When a woman who has the same problem/concern that a man has approaches the women-hating type, she will cut him slack on a bill, give him the best part of the meat, serve him with a smile, laugh at his jokes, and offer him additional assistance including sex. But when it comes to her sister, her attitude is negative, she doesn't care much about the quality of work she is providing, and will not bend the rules under any circumstances to help her sister like she did her brother.
These women, who favor men, often find themselves having to: cover up their schemes, unfair treatment, gift-giving, trickery, and more. They will throw anyone under the bus who questions their actions. They are typically careful about hiding their true feelings about other women, but sometimes they slip up in the way that they respond to other women. A happy greeting toward a man and small talk, quickly leaves when she is expected to perform the same action with a woman. She is often fault-finding when it comes to women at the workplace, church, and even in her own family. She will lie or exaggerate stories to cover for a man she has "hooked up." She will pretend as if she treats everyone the same.
Watch out for women who are all smiles when it comes to men and all frowns when it comes to their own kind. The minute you cross them, they will find a way to pay you back. It is best not to accept their so-called favors.
Nicholl McGuire
Wednesday
Selfish, Controlling Black Folk Pushing and Pulling Relatives and Friends
Consider what the agenda might be of a loved one or friend who insists, "You don't go here...Stay there...Don't marry this one, choose that one...Buy that, put this one back...and Give me this and you keep that." Right away, you might recognize someone you know. But the agenda, what might it be? To get you to do what they want. Selfish, controlling, ignorant black folk on a mission to push you when it suits them and pull you back to them when it is convenient. Some will drive you far away, so much in fact that you never want to see certain relatives and friends again in life--nothing wrong with that!
Some of the most successful people in this world whose relatives said, "You will need me one day...no good will come to you if you forget about me..." funny, good stuff just keeps happening to the black sheep of the family.
Selfish, controlling people with little going on for themselves and far too much time on their hands to think about everyone else, work out plans in their heads to benefit them. They think of what they are going to say to you the next time you come around. Bring up the past whether what you said was good, bad or otherwise, they will comment, suggest, advise, and hopefully control you in a way that you will feel obligated or guilty to do something for them while reminding you of their titles.
Holidays can bring the worst out in ignorant black folk who are still mad about one thing or another. Knowing that they are to be on their best behavior in front of certain family and friends (you know the ones they think they might get something from), they will talk in a way that sounds like they respect thoughts/beliefs/plans/decisions when they really don't. Sooner or later someone will reveal the truth about Mama, Auntie and Unc's sudden interest in you.
When one desires to break from toxic relatives, pushy friends, and everyone else in between who is controlling, the main thing you don't do is cave into the pressure. You don't go back to family when you really don't want to go back. You don't argue with them over something you know is meant to get you to react. You allow space and your desire to be free from negative situations to motivate you to do something different in your life. Before long, you won't have to worry anymore about petty people and petty things!
Nicholl McGuire author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic
Some of the most successful people in this world whose relatives said, "You will need me one day...no good will come to you if you forget about me..." funny, good stuff just keeps happening to the black sheep of the family.
Selfish, controlling people with little going on for themselves and far too much time on their hands to think about everyone else, work out plans in their heads to benefit them. They think of what they are going to say to you the next time you come around. Bring up the past whether what you said was good, bad or otherwise, they will comment, suggest, advise, and hopefully control you in a way that you will feel obligated or guilty to do something for them while reminding you of their titles.
Holidays can bring the worst out in ignorant black folk who are still mad about one thing or another. Knowing that they are to be on their best behavior in front of certain family and friends (you know the ones they think they might get something from), they will talk in a way that sounds like they respect thoughts/beliefs/plans/decisions when they really don't. Sooner or later someone will reveal the truth about Mama, Auntie and Unc's sudden interest in you.
When one desires to break from toxic relatives, pushy friends, and everyone else in between who is controlling, the main thing you don't do is cave into the pressure. You don't go back to family when you really don't want to go back. You don't argue with them over something you know is meant to get you to react. You allow space and your desire to be free from negative situations to motivate you to do something different in your life. Before long, you won't have to worry anymore about petty people and petty things!
Nicholl McGuire author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic
Saturday
Friday
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African American Planet: Relationships, Education, Products & Lifestyle by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at africanamericanplanet.blogspot.com.
